Am i sinking in chronic depression again? likely its the case i came back from taiwan on monday morning of 21st, till now which is 23rd, im not really doing anything productive, not even writing to update the taiwan adventure
ah i want to have a boyfriend lol no no not because i want to love i just want someone to experience relationship with and to grow out better and stronger, i become better of myself and more independent once i learn to be with someone i guess
in other words what im saying is that i want a boyfriend for the sake of experiences and stories and new things to learn because after going on a trip with Rachel and learnt a lot from her, including photography, her independent thinking and all, i have found something new to “copy” yet remake the copy to create new ones new habits that suit me, so what I copy from her is her independent feeling and cold-hearted attitude towards who she doesnt care, that she would think of herself first and over anyone else before going to please someone whos not even worth the time
yes i need to learn to be meaner, im too much easy falling into pleasing others for the sake of...whatever i cant understand, like wanting to be ‘loved’ by others? or just to be ‘accepted’ but the thing is you should learn not to care whether of being accepted or not, and you don’t need to crave for acceptance or whatever acknowledgement from others because you yourself know the best and accept yourself the best
im still easy to go back to my social body and start being pleasant for the sakes of others, not knowing what i want nor following what i want, then in turn feeling suppressed to the extent i just snapped once in a while and broke off everything
i will be stronger, more independent, and more cold-hearted, i wont crave for acceptance nor pleasing to be loved, i dont need try all to make everyone love me, i just need love myself, and i can do that well, we are all alone in the end, we dont need anyone or anything to prove us to love us to make sure we are living. we just need ourselves and prove to ourselves that we are all worth it, no one, NO ONE is worth our efforts for pleasing
LIVE TO LOVE YOURSELF. NOT LIVE TO PLEASE OTHERS.
I won’t be no one anymore. Now, from now on, I will be myself, just myself. And no more craving for acceptance and recognition. I myself can acknowledge my own value and existence. I need no one else to tell me who I am
NO ONE CAN DO IT. NO ONE CAN DEFEAT ME
