#3cwrites

It’s back-to-school season again, and this marks my one year of being a college student. It was exactly August 6, 2019 when I began my college journey as a freshman majoring in international relations. Though equipped with goals and strength from Him, I was unsure of how my life would be away from my parents and the pals I’ve been with one-fourth of my life. But as terrifying as it sounds, I actually had the best freshman year. And here are some of the things I learned on my first year in uni. 

1. Do not get SO attached the first time. 

College is going to be filled with a lot of whirlwind instances. It’s hard to not get attached most especially if the connection is so strong but you have to keep in mind that it’s not going to be like that all the time. Many will shift, transfer, and leave (for good). Don’t get so attached to your roommates, you never know when your dinner will be the last you’ll ever have as one will move out. Don’t even depend your entire college life on your blockmates as some of them will shift courses or transfer schools, some even drops out and you don’t even get to know the reason why. College puts great emphasis on the saying “people come and go”. Sometimes, their leaving doesn’t even have closure and you have to be prepared for it.

2. Don’t underestimate your classmates’ abilities and skills.  When I was in high school, I was known as the smart one — one who always leads the group, has the answers to everything, always gets good grades, the favorite of the teachers, good at these aspects and such. It was like everyone was depending on me as I was seen as the smartest one. But in college, I learned how it’s so different. If in high school you think your classmates aren’t as good enough as you, it’s not always like that in college. You’d be surprised at how many people are actually really smart and it will dawn on you that you are no longer the brightest star in the universe as you thought you were. So don’t underestimate them. Just because they don’t seem like your own doesn’t mean they can’t do what you do. It’s better to enter college thinking you’re just like everybody else instead of thinking so highly of yourself and end up getting disappointed. In other words, ‘wag magmarunong. 

3. Be humble. 

Just because you are the star student in high school doesn’t give you a free pass to rule over others. College is way different and a lot more difficult than high school. Your achievements before do not matter this college. This is one of the things my professor in my major instilled us, because in college, we all go back to zero. We all start from the beginning. 

4. Choose your circle wisely.

Your college squad will determine how your college life will go, and even after that. In addition, this is also the place where you figure out who are worth keeping. Is it still going to be your high school best friends? Or will your college buddies break it off? You will realize a lot when it comes to your friendships once you found a new circle this college. Some people still find their HS friends better, but for the others, it’s their college buds. 

5. Express yourself more and embrace it.

Refuse to be one of those titas or titos who have so much regrets because they didn’t get to do things they wanted when they were young. College is the perfect time for you to be yourself and express yourself. You want to do hosting? Go for it! You want to dance? Join dance clubs! Don’t be afraid to show who you really are and what you want. Go after your dreams! Don’t let your fears fuck you up like how they did in high school. And if you’re scared of what others will say, let me tell you they’re too busy minding their own business, so mind yours too. Almost all of the time, people you meet during college won’t even give a fuck on what you plan to do. They’re busy with their exams, orgs, and social life. So go out there, you do you, and live the best moments of your life before it’s too late. 

“You can’t love someone so hard that you don’t even think of yourself anymore. That’s stupid. You will certainly lose if you do that.” That’s what I thought to myself. And so, I promised myself I will never love hard. I will love but not so much that I’d still have some for myself so as not to lose. Losing is inevitable, it happens but I don’t want to end up loosing nor do I want to be a loser. Hence, the promise which I was able to fulfill.

From this, it’s easy to conclude I am scared to love. I am scared of loving. I am scared of being the one who loves more. Again, it’d be so foolish. As much as I save myself from losses, I also want to save myself from being stupid in a relationship. As someone who has scholastic records and is academically performing, I would never want to subject myself to any stupidity, most especially in love. It would be an insult to my intelligence.

Despite my fear of loving which was disguised by my fear of getting hurt, I still had a boyfriend who loved me so much he was willing to endure anything for me. So to speak, all he ever did was love me for who I am in spite of my imperfections. He embraced my bare skin with his. He loved me more than I loved him. And there, I was easily saved from being the stupid one. I was saved from a potential mishap caused by too much loving.

I was too busy looking for a guy who would love me more than myself.

I was too tainted with saving myself from a heartache and public shame.

I was so fixated on being loved.

That I forgot to love.

We always go for someone who loves us. Worship posts telling every young girl to wait for someone who loves them. Quote accounts reminding us that we should find someone who is like this and that. Society even helps us determine our standards in dating.

But the hard truth is, being loved by someone is not enough to love them. It’s not always about being loved that we need to focus on, rather to love as well. You may have found someone who loves your soul the way you want it to, but if you do not love this person back, it still doesn’t matter. At first, it may feel good but eventually, you’ll lose your care about being loved once you realized you do not love.

Love is not always reciprocated, and it doesn’t always have to be. But to be loved without learning how to love is chaotic. Likewise, loving without being loved is chaotic on its own.

I am scared to love hard, to be a fool for love, to get hurt. But being all those is not bad, it’s not something to be ashamed of.

At this point, I am now coming to terms with the fact that I want to finally love hard even if I’d get hurt. I want to love, I don’t just want to be loved.

I could have wished for you to catch me as I have already fallen, but no. I would rather not wish you anything today. Selfish? Maybe. But one thing's for sure.

Today, I am choosing to let you go, along with all my what ifs and hopes about us. I am choosing to let things be the way they are, not because I am afraid or disheartened, but because I finally came to terms with the fact that my hands are not meant to be intertwined with yours.

I can still feel the weight on my chest as I scramble through answers on why things happened.

Was it only for a lesson?

Was it only for fun?

A catalyst?

Is it only up until this point?

Or is there something else? (I hope)

So many questions I have yet to find the answers to but perhaps, in time, I'll have it all figured out. And I'd finally be able to make peace with it.

If you’re already unhappy, what do you do? Do you just let it be and continue grinding? Or do you fix things to make it happy once more? Do you just set them free? Or is this a waiting game that we all have to wait, and soon, things would go back to the way it was? 

What does one really do when you’re no longer happy? 

For years, I’ve trained myself to leave in situations where my happiness is placed last, or even compromised. To me, happiness matters the most because if I am unhappy, how do you expect me to move or to excel in what I do? Moreover, I’m a firm believer that happiness is the foundation to all success stories, and contentment - something we all need to ensure we’re living the life we want. 

But what if it’s not work you’re unhappy of, rather, a person? A person you’re romantically involved with? Will you still stay?

At such a young age, I learned how to cut off people who no longer give me smiles. There may be guilt but if it’s my peace and sanity I am going to compromise for the sake of the friendship or relationship, cutting ties will always be worth it. Happiness also means caring for your self and choosing yourself. 

So.. we leave when we’re unhappy with a person or our job. Right? 

I can’t wish you the best because that could have been me if only you chose me, but you didn’t.

But that’s okay.

I just wish you happiness and awakening, my almost.

PS: I hope you make right choices.

All the could’ve & would’ve,

Sharing on here the confession letter I wrote to one of my crushes back in high school. The one who made my heart beat again in 9th grade. I sent this to him via email on December 27, 2016 at 11:01 PM. 

To the Knight and Red Lion of my dreams, I have 3 important things to tell you. I like you. You've probably had this idea already as my being expressive shows it - you have mayhap noticed how my eyes beam and how my face forms a sweet and subtle smile whenever I see or talk to you. This has been going on for almost a year now or maybe, a year already and I only had the guts to unfold these, I prolonged the agony due to the fact I was scared to lose you - not as a lover but as one of my great friends. Regardless of my feelings for you, I value our friendship more than the latter. You were such a great friend and I couldn't afford to lose such great friends of mine. Thank you. Thank you for you being my inspiration, you fueled me to continue writing, to study so hard for the light at the end of the tunnel, to better myself in all ways possible. You were the one that made me go through a lot of things but for the betterment of my well-being. You were the one that made me believe in myself. Thank you for being friends with me, I never expected to become close friends with a [redacted]. I'm thankful for the friendship that we have, it is something really special to me and that friendship of ours will always have a special spot in my heart and I hope that after this, we'll still be keeping and cherishing our friendship. You have done so much for me and I couldn't thank you enough for that. You may not have noticed but the little things you do make me happy. Just a simple greeting when we see each other in the corridor, a message from you, it makes me happy. I find joy in the simplest of things and I am glad you are one of it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it's only now that I decided to tell you this when you've already moved away, started anew in Beda. I'm sorry that I had to feel this way for you, I'm sorry that I had to develop feelings for a guy who is out of my reach. As cliché as it sounds, I fought but lost in the end. I did not really want this whole infatuation thing to happen, I knew I do not stand a chance and it's difficult for me to to be in this situation. I hate feelings, the thought of having a crush makes me happy but having it for real makes me sad because here we go again, craving for something I cannot have. Chasing people over and over again. It sucks, it's exhausting. I am telling you all these because unsaid feelings are the worst and I don't want to end this year without being brave enough to confess to someone. I just had to let this out so I can freely move forward and open more doors. Thank you [redacted], you will always be special to me. Read the other letters I will send you, those are written pieces I meant to share with you. They are all for you, written with all cries and smiles. Wishing you good luck in all your endeavors, future Dr. [redacted] from future Atty. Tricia. (i don't wanna put my full name cos it sucks hehe) I'll always be here for you as one of your close friends, one of those people you can rant to about anything anytime, your exhaust fan.