#3446

well. god. imagine you actually decided okay. well it's been some time since the trade and maybe we were a little codependent and he's got a girlfriend now so maybe i should try to move forward. for real this time. and so you text him less and less, or maybe just as much because he doesn't let you pull away that easy, but your answers get more shallow. you don't tell him what's real and raw in your life anymore. and maybe you get a girlfriend and you post about her even though you don't post much at all. you want people to know you're moving forward. you're past confessing quiet truths in spotify playlists, you're bigger than that now. and then, right when you feel like you're finally past. whatever that was. when you feel like you're your own person, independent from him, he's thrust back in your life. it's your territory, you have the upper hand for once, but you can't help but feel knocked off balance. because soon, he will be here, worming his way into your own relationships with the team, flashing white teeth and winning them over. and you know some of the guys, hell, most of the guys are going to be hard asses about it. get annoyed, try to fight it, then melt suddenly and without warning. just like you did. and you know he is going to feel the rejection in his bones, fight it tooth and nail until it lets up. and you brace yourself for the night you know he will let himself into your home, and sit on your couch, and roll his head along the cushions until he's looking up at you. you're going to have to be strong. keep your hands interlaced in your own lap. keep your eyes straight forward, watching the tv. and you also know he's going to whisper "jimmy...hey" into the space between you, get you to flicker your eyes down to his. you know they will be sparkling, even in the low light, and you know you will throw everything you've built here right out the window, and you will lean down and kiss him and ignore the twist in your gut and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him. and in the morning, when he makes you coffee just the way you like it (of course he remembers) and speaks to you gently, with no expectation for you to reply this early (of course he remembers,) you will remember how much it hurt to lose him. and you will sink back into his orbit, willingly.