No.333
I'm so worried and stressed. Feel like looking forward to Christmas holiday for just sleeping all day already (that is if there is nothing to hand in later). I know this is irrelevant and not encouraged. Forwarding to future is what I have always done, which made me overlook the present and never truly live in the moment. But I feel so tired and exhausted somehow with all, even though I chose this. Yes, I utterly know I am following what I decided to take.
I really can't avoid my pressure at the moment. Weird I seem to be craving for romance at the moment, probably as the way of reality escape. This road is tiresome. And scary when it feels so alone, for no one knows and just there supporting you behind. The journey seems so lonely and tough, and when there is no one you share your efforts and achievements, somehow it feels like weird whether or not you actually achieve something or have efforts.
Sometimes I just need one enter my world and all others step out, because it's probably best to have someone you always reach, come to for whatever reasons, rather than equally dividing things to share with people for the sake of balanced relationships. But then again, that was what happened in the past and it led to consequence, so what can be good now. But I crave for the other half that I can lean on emotionally. Ah that means that I should never wish to have one right now, because I fall into the trap of my own mantra again, wishing for certain someone for the sake of companion, it is because of loneliness, and not because of the other. You should love someone for that someone, not love one as a representation of love.
An epiphany occurred to me recent days that, I craved for belonging. Funny how I always assumed I was 'cool' in term that I really need no socialisation as I am fine being alone, but perhaps I said I am fine because I do know there is nothing better. But now I do know there is better than loneliness out there, and I do understand really everyone, including me (me at most) really want to belong. And this time it will be an effort to remain belonged, rather than giving in too easily and self-detach. Just pray I get the right place, right group, right things, rather than blindly attach oneself to something that is actually not mine. Dear instincts, I trust you okay. Guide me please.
I must finish this paper and write it very well. I must submit it by this coming Wednesday. I must. And I want to. Maybe it's just too childish fighting invisibly for this to prove your credibility, but I probably feel better if I am done with this. I think not only I am vulnerable but take so long to be healed. And somehow it feels like weakling unable to face anything. I truly wonder if I ever grow strong at all.
In any case, I have to get back to work...
It will be fine.
Life is just about living. As it is meaningless, any meaning could be given, depending upon you.
