#30daysofpridechallenge

Day 8 - Who is your biggest supporter? 

This is a more complicated question than many might think.  See, I’ve had three “biggest supporters” in the past, but I’m no longer close with them.  My original “biggest supporter” was the first friend I came out to, Emma.  But as I mentioned prior, her girlfriend turned her against me, and we’re no longer friends.  So after that,  I developed a strong tie with my then friend, and soon to be girlfriend, Christina. She was the first person to call me “she”, “her”, “Zoey”, and “girlfriend.  She even bought me my own female clothes, which I’m forever grateful for. However, while she has overall been my largest supporter, she left me in January of 2015, and I’ve talked with her little since.  And so after that, my close friend Sarah became my best friend.  And once again, like with Emma, relationship politics turned her against me, leaving me without a really close friend.

And that’s where I am today.  I wish I could say I’ve got one definitive “biggest supporter”.  Perhaps it’s my friend Britton, who’s been one of only consistent friends over the last year.  Perhaps it’s my choir director, Dr. Ferrell, who has been amazing ever since I came out to him in December.  Perhaps it will soon be my dad if I manage to come out to him successfully.  But I have to say, I don’t really have a great answer for this day’s question.  Sorry.

As part of #30DaysOfPride, I am completing the challenge described here http://adventuresofanerd.tumblr.com/post/145264686396/30-days-of-pride. Answers will be tagged #30DaysOfPrideChallenge, should you need to blacklist them.

Day 2 - How old were you when you first discovered you were LGBTQ?

So, there are multiple answers here. I knew from very very early that I wasn’t a boy--I would argue starting around 3-4 years old. I struggle to conceptualize “maleness/masculinity” and “femaleness/femininity,” and for the longest time I completely failed to understand the difference between men and women except in the untrue penis/vagina sense, and even that didn’t feel ‘right’ to me. It wasn’t until I was about 26 or so that I first encountered the term “nonbinary,” however, and I didn’t learn about “neutrois” or “demi-” until I would say around 28. Those at least were the big “aha!” moments, but like I said, I knew what I wasn’t from very young.

As for the sexuality piece, I felt like I didn’t have a sexuality for the longest time. I literally didn’t masturbate until I was 17. I had sexual feelings, but none I understood at the time, and had no desire to act on them, especially with other people. At 17, I came out as bisexual, because I realized that I had romantic attraction to women and men, but I still didn’t really have sexual attractions on which I wanted to act. I just didn’t have the terminology for “grey-ace” or “biromantic.” “Bisexual” later became “gay” around 18, as I started pursuing sexual and romantic relationships with men exclusively, and still presented myself as one at the time. 

As mentioned, my sexual attraction in general very much comes and goes, and I definitely consider myself on the Ace spectrum--hence the ‘grey’ appended to polisexual. I don’t think I conceptualized this out loud until just a few months ago (29 at the time), when I mentioned it at dinner with @allanhamill1979 and some friends. I’m not sure why I felt so comfortable at that moment saying it, when Allan and I had never really discussed it in that sense, but I felt like in that moment we both immediately recognized it for what it was. Similarly, it wasn’t until even just a few days ago that I really recognized myself as not just “gay.” I knew the term wasn’t really right, since I’m not a dude, and had made a comment about that the same night as the previously-mentioned dinner. I had mentioned before finding myself attracted to some women and to a variety of nonbinary people in addition to being attracted to men, and a few days ago, we were discussing that (among other things), and was the first time I really talked about not being exclusively “gay” as an identity, and looking for another term. Hence polisexual.