#3.3.15

first thing i've learned this year: nothing stays. i promised myself i wouldn't get upset over little things like this. nothing was lost, but i feel like i lost everything. people say they're sad but the next day they're so happy and have forgotten about the whole situation/moved on from it. it's the exact opposite for me. i feel like i have a duty for some people. i'm /always/ the person who has to continue a conversation or else it becomes awkward and eventually we stop talking permanently. i just hate that i'm the one who has to do something in order for everything to feel alright for the both of us. i just want things to go about the same even if i go mute for a day. but it seems that things never play out that way- at least for me, and i absolutely hate it. and the worst part is, i blame myself. everything. i'm sorry for not keeping the conversations going because i'm too scared to say the wrong thing. i'm sorry i don't have a good relationship with my family because i feel like they're all attacking me all the time. i'm sorry i picked friends that think the response to "are you okay?" is always "good" and never question anything further. at the end, nothing stays. that's what i've been feeling the past year, and nothing seems to be going away.