#3.27.25

march touches my lips like a butterfly's wing & a burning coal––a murmur of transformation, a scalding desire to finally be cleansed. every morning i enter the desert to see what company Jesus might provide. most days, i leave His presence with more questions than answers, more sand between my teeth than songs on my lips, but still, there is a breath of wind over the dunes that feels like the Spirit's touch. still, the sun keeps rising in a glowing rectangle across my still-bare wall. i spend my sundays lonely and in tears. i buy myself a bouquet of flowers because it does not need to be my birthday for me to still want something beautiful. i have dreams of friends i have not seen in over two years. i hear my brother on the phone with the man i hate, his voice drifting over from the living room. i ask God to take my hatred. i ask Him to take my bitterness & my selfishness & my doubt. i walk to the grocery store just so i can speak to someone, anyone, for the first time in two days. on the way there i beg God to give me a glimpse of His presence; when i help the man in front of me empty the groceries from his wheelchair's hand-bag, i hear Him reply that He lives inside my hands too.

as always, i am in love with sunlight & spring. unlike other years, i am hesitant for the arrival of april & the poetry it will require of me. i've been writing in circles for months now, ever since something broke in me on my childhood bed last november & kept unraveling for nine long hours on a train. i don't know how to respool it, how to mend whatever snapped inside before i hurt anyone else with these sharp pieces, how to gather up the pools that have been leaking from my heart. the one rule i have for my lenten journal is that i must be honest. the one rule i have for april is that i must keep being brave. birdsong helps with that, & the crocuses i pass on the uphill climb as i search for jobs.

i'm tired of my brain, as always, & the tears press at the back of my throat for no reason on a thursday afternoon when i'm trying to laugh with a friend. i don't know what i'm doing wrong & i still haven't gotten a list of what i'm allowed to want or need. but my tea is warm & the sun is my friend. i'm confused & hopeful & grateful & sluggish & steady & slow. &, maybe most importantly, i am almost actually content. that was the goal of this month, to inch closer to contentment. one night at a time, writing lists of gratitude in my head whenever the obsessions & compulsions play tug-of-war; one morning after another, watching the rectangle of light climb across my wall & daydreaming of all the photos i will soon frame & finally display.

drew: it gives you hope for the future, without a doubt, when you see that the way that they're playing - the way that macklin has - every game, [he] does something really special. but every game his intensity and competitiveness doesn't waver. but now when you watch will and william, they have both been terrific. they just - again, that is a fun group to watch. I'm excited.

dan: you could make an argument that, since january 1st, will smith might be one of the best rookies in the nhl, the way that he's playing. but one thing about macklin is I think that he's doing this better right now - he's controlling his aggression. in other words, he's not complaining to the referees. he's more focused. he's doing - he is, [but] not as much, anyway. and maybe not as openly. and I think that that's something that's really important. I mean, what do you see from the bench when you're down there?

drew: I won't tell you who, but - [laughs] uh...last game, or two games ago, macklin is complaining to one of the linesmen regarding, uh, dropping the puck. it was during a tv timeout. and they're having quite the discussion. and one of the guys on the bench, a veteran hockey player, looks at me, and he goes, "18-year old working the refs."

I went, "mm-hmm."

he goes, "don't see that every day!" [drew laughs]

but he was better! and wasn't complaining. he was having a discussion. and, you know, he was definitely working the linesman, trying to get a favorable draw next time.

dan: no problem with having a sales pitch.

drew: no, exactly. that's what it was. but it was - [laughs] it was - he used to be, earlier...because of how hard he competes, how much he wants to win - sometimes the emotions would take over. but, yeah, I thought that was a funny moment pointed out by a veteran player who'd been around the league for a while.

dan: it's interesting how will smith deals with his challenges a little differently. he's more likely to shrug it off and say, "well, I'll get you over here," and he'll out-think you in the next shift. and he often does.