#3.21.20

Normally I go and sit under The Green Man’s tree as I visit with him; today I decided to do something different. I gave The Green Man my offering, and then we talked in the astral as I hiked through the forest. It was a beautiful morning, about 54 degrees and sunny, and I wanted to get some exercise in. He was amiable to this.

We had some good conversation, and he gave me some good advice:

“You cannot have good times without bad times. If you spend all of your time waiting for the good times, you will truly be miserable. You need to learn to live in and accept both good times and bad times; a tree does not wish for better or worse weather or conditions; it simply exists, for better or for worse. You must do the same.”

After visiting with The Green Man, I decided to spend some time with Prince, since I was in his neck of the woods, literally. As I hiked further into the forest, I actually perceived a change in energy as I entered the more fae part of the forest, since they both share territory.

I met him in our intermediate space, and he was excited and in a hurry. He told me to get dressed up; this time I wore a darker suit with a glowing green bowtie. Then, he pulled me into the fae realm. 

We went to the court. We were introduced, as always. It was thriving. It appeared almost like a meadow this time, green and hilly, with budding wildflowers. The energy was much higher than last time I was there. However, we didn't stick around; he told me he wanted to show me something.

He took me to the royal garden. I had been there before. It was beautiful; everything was blooming. There were large plants and flowers that I had never seen before. There were individual pixies tending to each plant, which was interesting. As we walked about in the realm, Strix and Trixie hovered above me on either side, almost like guards.

Prince and I had many conversations. We actually haven’t hung out and spent time together like this in a long time. He was very energetic. He said that he is excited that the land was waking up. There is much to do and see.

Afterwards, we went back to the court. I had some fae noble approach and speak to me. I didn't catch all of it, but I sensed it was condescending as they looked down on me.

Then I left.

Also, bonus pictures from the forest today!

I really needed that. I’m going to continue visiting over the next couple of weeks. 

Anyways, that’s it, for now at least. I hope that everyone has a good day!

Drew my cat as an animal crossing villager

now i have nothing. and i still love loving you, but for what? if i told you how important you are to me, how much i care, what would you say? if i told you what it’s like for me to lose you--and not just lose you, as i always knew i would, if i could even say i had you in the first place, but to lose my chance to say goodbye and make my peace with it--what would you tell me in return? that i’m still young, that i have my whole life ahead of me yet? but i know already that it’s just four short years in the youth of my life. i know in the end i might look back on it all and say it didn’t matter, that i was young and naive and shouldn’t have cared that much, but it matters to me now. you’re important to me now and my world is crashing down on me now and i can’t think about a big picture. i can’t know what the future holds and i can’t change what’s been locked in the past so my life in the present is all i have to hold onto and the present hurts because you are my life and you aren’t here and you can’t be. and it’s not fucking fair. 

or maybe you’d tell me that you know already. maybe, despite my best efforts, you’ve seen the way i shelter you in my heart. maybe, even though you can’t give me what i need, you’ll be kind, and you’ll say that you know, and that it’s not okay right now but it will be, and maybe you’ll tell me to hang in there because i’m strong and it’s not fair that i have to be but i am, and then i’ll grit my teeth and straighten my shoulders and lift my chin and hang in there like you told me because i love you and i’d do anything for you and if you believe i can do it then i must be able to.

i just miss you. i miss you so much, my love, my dearest, and you’ve done so much for me and i love you and you’re the only person who i’ve said out loud that i’ve loved because i’m healing from my past but those words still leave my throat raw. and i’ve said those words about you but i can never say them to you. i can never tell you, even though i think maybe you know already. i think that might be the worst of it. even here, at the end of it all, when everything is going to shit and it seems like the world is falling apart, i still can’t say a word. because the world has taken so much of you from me already, and maybe you’ll be kind but maybe you won’t be, and i’m afraid to lose what little i have left. 

because that’s it, isn’t it? two paths to choose from. one tells me that life is short, that i can never know what’s going to happen, that i should speak before it’s too late because god knows it’s been too late too many times already. and the other tells me to wait, to be careful, to treasure the little gift i’ve been given with you because it seems little from the outside but to me it’s everything, and that the gamble isn’t worth it because to lose would mean losing it all. and i’ve been starting down the second path but i don’t know which one is right, and i’m afraid to choose the wrong one because i’m done with regrets and too-lates and should’ve saids but more than that i’m scared of losing you.

Been thinking of you lately. It’s been just over a week since we said goodbye. I know we’ll see each other again--I promised I’d visit you, and you promised you’d visit me. I know the goodbye is just temporary and that in time there will be hello. But it’s a long time before then, and even when that happens, there’s so much time that we’ve both lost and can never get back. We should’ve had these last two months. I should’ve been able to be there for you. I know you’re dealing with a lot right now; I know you’re going to be dealing with a lot come fall and the spring after that. I know you’re strong enough to do it on your own but see--you shouldn’t have had to. And it’s not fair.

I think you could use some words of comfort right now, and I don’t have them. I’m sorry. I wish I did, because I need them too. There are so many things we should’ve done together, so many more memories we should’ve made, so many more late night talks and early mornings and beautiful skies. So many flushed cheeks and hours of fun and dinners spent simultaneously laughing and crying about the disasters of our lives. And it’s not fucking fair that we didn’t get that, and right now I can’t find the silver lining.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just wish I could talk to you right now--in person, I mean, back in my tiny little room with our little bottles of hard lemonade in a little town when everything was still okay. But we don’t get that anymore.