#3-7-20

You only came clean bc they forced the issue.

You lied to me. U abused my trust (*so much*) and broke my heart.

And i was trying to think of some future where we are okay

Bc i make up stories to help me sleep sometimes

But i dont have any idea how i can trust you again. Um, so technically i guess you will have till when we agreed to decide, but in reality..... you have untill the time we agreed to convince me that you wont keep doing this-with luna and any other person who ends up a problem w us some how-until I'm not coming back.

I... i already tried the deadline thing with you and it didnt do shit ~~but i rememberjust how awful... and combined w the... what this is.... im yeah~~. So im compromising. Im gonno go ahead and let myself do whatever i need to re: losing you ~~which, frankly is none of ur business unless u convince me (well, third apparently) that you wont do this all again and you will treat us at least like? Pretty okay?~~

I would just say call out but

1) we did spend all oue money on weapons n stuff that?? I guess we keep now? I dont know if we will be able to look.at them without falling apart but... ig thats something we need to remember to deal with....

2) we dont have many emergency days left

I mean of we wont be visiting cali (oh hey i just realized they agreed to go to pride w us as they were v actively cheating as well cool now pride is potentially ruined i hate how my brain decides to connect shit) we wont need to save the rest of our days so adamantly.... but... that is...

I want to scream

But if i scream i will attract kellys attention

And i should avoid her while i am like this. Especially me.

I want to *do* something to... to fix this. But i cant and i know that and im so *scared* that i keep forgetting to be angry

Im mostly scared for my queen, as well as... what will become of me...

But i am also scared for fox bc they really...

they have hidden before when they hurt too much

But i could feel them then

Last time they ran away i.. it was little more than a tantrum

And we.. well maybe not roan, but we knew they would come back

But they were gona so fast.. i... for a moment found myself worrying about the pack of coyotes around here, not to mention wreckless drivers... but... not that kind of fox.. im pretty sure

Wow thinking is both the most difficult thing rn and the only thing i can do. I cant *not* think

If i could i would be able to sleep... probably

The burning is a real issue and i *dont know why its happening*

The most ive felt of them pain wise is an ache that they are missing

They dont like... *react* to emotions, or fhey never have before! What the fuck

Hopefully it is something else

We.. I? Have been worried sbout everything luna said. And the fact that im sure u okayed that. Idk if u okayed the pics. Roan kept staring at them and now i van see them when I shut my eyes.

But... one of the things... right now.. worryed me the most. Was "*Am* i giving up too soon?" And the car that drove by made a sound like a couple notes from hell and you. So thats gonna be the ultimate decision maker ig. Bc they have always meant thise words when they sang that song to you.

I am looking up the lyrics as i write...

"Cause I'd rot in Hell with you

If you'd just ask me to"

Okay so i think the important bits is that it says "with you". Avoiding and pushing me away as much as u can... isnt with me.

And also... if luna is to be believed you are pretty blissed out most of the time so... idek if the In Hell part applies to u rn.

Also... the "Asked me to" bit. I dont think you rlly have? I know you asked us to leave if you hurt us this much. And i dont think... youve ever really done or said any true thing to try to get us to stay. Not since you decided to start cheating on us.

I... realize now that.. we have asked you to stay. And you swore we would have a life together. Since the cheating started. Then kept cheating.

Fuck, this songs one of the ruined ones isnt it?

I.... even if roan changes their mind about love. I am not letting them get so attached that their sorrow will do *this* to *me*.

Im curled up in bed analyzing songs that remind me someone i care about because i cant sleep of move. That is unacceptable.

I dont even like that I'm putting this on this blog... fuck i need to feed this stupid worthless body.

I am better than this. If i weren't attached the the Emotion Intensifier that is Roan, maybe this wouldnt be happening. Heartbreak is just pain like any other.

I wish it were something i could amputate... and i wish it were just felt in the heart. It is everywhere. When chain was awake their *wings* felt like the were burning from the inside. We dont even have wings.

That ratty dog bolted... immediately actually, so i dont know how they are feeling. Roan might, my connection to everything is.. different.

Oh now there is a useable feeling! I feel insane. Not from what i just said, bc i have been staring at the wall for a While after i wrote the word "different".

I still am trapped in Roan's hell, but i can drink that cup of water, that we did get bc we wanted to sing to you today... whatever that song is with the coyotesand rabbits and whatnot... theyhave been learning it becauseyou liked it and they wanted to sing it for you.... water is better than nothing.

Hello, hip pain. Yes we wont be moving go ahead and go numb.

How am i acting like this right now?.....im

Not posting any other... broken version of me.

Oh, worrying about trixter reading this just now gave me an idea.

(Assuming we will be down a partner) if the others survive and whatever, and roan becomes operational again, we obviously will not keep these blogs, because they are private. They are for us, but our "mate" was allowed to see them. But if they make us leave, roan may decide they shouldn't be accessible to trixter, so we will ...

Use notepad. Was? I felt like i had had a clever idea at the beginning of that. And my idea was "use notepad"

Nyquil and melatonin plus major stress and no sleep will do that... to.. me?

Dont like that very much but, okay.

I have been with this fool since rhey can remember. Through ralph. I have never experienced this. I suppose it is because we hated ralph so chain and the ruffians could do their thing. Loving. Is the most....

Fuck i wanna write a poem but i just saw the q where the t was sposed to go. I think if i tried to write it woukd3bs embarrassingly awful.

Im sure if we ever sleep i will be horrifically embarrassed of *this*.

I didn't realize i was any degree protecive of them until now...