Motherhood is HARD.
I don’t think a lot of people understand this, I mean what’s so difficult about taking care of a baby when all you have to do is feed them, burp them, and make sure their diaper is clean? All they do is sleep and cry and eat...sounds easy enough. But they don’t just sleep, they cry, and they scream. Our little humans can’t communicate with us like we’re used to, so they cry if something is wrong...or if nothing is wrong. People say that after a while we will know the difference between each little cry but that doesn’t make it any better; the baby is still crying and sometimes nothing can make it stop. They want to be held, but they don’t want to be touched so all the rocking and bouncing and shushing in the world just won’t settle him or her. They’re so tired but won’t go to sleep because they’ve worked themselves up too much and now they have the hiccups. He or she is hungry but they have a belly ache from drinking too fast during the last feed but of course they won’t burp to get rid of the gas bubbles. The baby is over stimulated but still wants to see and hear us, but talking softly or singing quietly is still too much stimulation. We’re doing it wrong. We’re horrible mothers.
I tell myself that I’m a bad mom at least once a day, and I feel guilt almost 24/7. That’s not something that people talk about very much so I wasn’t exactly expecting to feel like crap ALL THE TIME. Mom guilt is real and it sucks. I put my son down because my arms are dead and I need a minute to not have someone touching me, and I cry because how could I feel that way? I take a shower and he’s crying out for me as soon as I have shampoo in my hair, so I rush and probably don’t rinse all the soap out but that doesn’t matter because I shouldn’t have showered while my son was sleeping. I ask my mother in law to watch him for an hour so I can get a tiny bit of sleep, but I lay awake feeling sick to my stomach with guilt for pawning him off and not looking after him. I probably should ask for help more often, my house is a mess and the laundry is piling up, but I should be able to manage it all on my own...I’m just a terrible mother. I was only able to breastfeed for a month before my supply dried up, and I sobbed alone on the couch because, even though I knew that as long as he was eating and was healthy he would be okay, I was failing him. I second guess everything I do, every decision I make for my son is the wrong one...at least that’s how it feels. I tell myself over and over that I’m doing the best I can, but I’m also telling myself over and over that I’m doing it wrong and that I’m a terrible mom.
I don’t regret having my baby. I love him and I’m so happy to be his mother, but I do find motherhood exhausting. I find it lonely and scary. My partner helps, but he doesn’t get it. I’m on duty all day everyday and all night every night, he gets a break from 7am-5pm. He comes home and is tired, he wants to watch tv and relax but Casey is fussy and I’m pacing the house trying to soothe him. And suddenly we’re all cranky which only fuels Casey’s fussiness and turns his little pitiful whimpers into ear piercing shrieks and wails. “Give him his soother” my partner will suggest (usually with an annoyed edge to his voice) and I won’t answer because I’ve been trying to give him his sucky all day with no luck. So I walk around the house with Casey bawling in my arms, his face red from crying, and I try not to be frustrated because it isn’t his fault. I try not to resent my partner as he sits there looking irritated while he rubs his temples. I could ask for a small break, but I’m angry because I shouldn’t have to and I feel guilty for being mad, and the house is a disaster which is obviously my fault and I shouldn’t need a break after doing nothing all day. So I keep walking and rocking my baby until finally, after a whole day of on and off tantrums, Casey falls asleep. I wake up at 5am and do it all over again.
