#281020

We started by talking a bit about covid19. Thé obvious topic to talk about lately.

We talked about my internship today. Bc it’s kinda necessary to talk about it. She started by asking how it is now. Bc I started shaking and stuff when I told her about it last time and that was kind of a big deal apparently. I just explained her that it’s a weird mentor and place and that I have mixed feelings there. I told her that the first 1,5 week felt like 3 months. I kinda tried to laugh it away (I really do that way too often, i don't know how not to do that tho), but she realized that that’s not a good thing. So she asked what makes it so difficult for me now. It’s really just the flashbacks to last time and being scared for all the feedback. On my papers and on my therapy. Okay, it's also the fact that i feel really bad and sc, but i can't tell her that (yet? Idk).

She’s really wondering how I’m gonna be evaluated. Bc my mentor just uses me now and he’s not around when I give speech therapy to a kid. She just advised me a couple of times to keep him as a friend and to not create any struggles between us. We talked a bit about the situation and stuff going on there.

She asked a few times what I’m most afraid for now. Honestly, I’m just afraid it’ll end the same way it did last time.

She said that I clearly have a trauma. The evaluation-talk in the end of the internship, that lasted 2 hours, where they just kept flooding me with feedback, where I was alone in a little room, at my internship. Apparently it’s harder to get over it if I don’t know what lead to this moment. It’s possible, but it’s harder. Idk... I guess a trauma more or less is no big deal anymore at this point... :(

My mind made a switch there, I just kept thinking, which she noticed so ofc she asked what I was thinking about. So I told her that I couldn’t think properly anymore at the end of my internship, so that that probably had it’s effect on my reports.. She was really poking around to find the cause of why things went down and why it ended so bad last time. According to me, there are several reasons. But I can’t tell them all to her (she still doesn’t know that I felt and still feel sc). So I told a few things (not being able to think properly anymore, bc I wasn’t getting enough sleep, bc I worked too long on my papers bc I tried to apply all the feedback they gave me). She really tried to go back to the beginning, where did it started to go wrong? I wish i had a clear answer to that question myself.

She asked a few times for positive things on my previous internship, even just little things. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but there really is nothing there… Nothing positive to report. According to me, it was all bad.

She asked what I take with me emotionally from the previous internship to the one now. I’m scared to submit things and to do things bc I’m scared for the feedback I could get. She asked what feedback on my reports hurt me the most. I don’t know specifically, it’s just everything together. Here’s a memorable part…:

Ti: what is, according to yoú, wrong with your reports?

Me: apparently everything.

Ti: *more quietly* … according to yoú … .

Me: the same, I guess. I mean, if they say this feedback, I suppose it was just bad.

There were a few times where she asked for specific feedback. Bc apparently we’ll check that to see what skills I need to feel better? Idk man. I tried to forget all the feedback as soon as possible. Asap. Delete. Delete. Blank sheet. – wrong answer apparently. She stayed quiet. Oops.. I hope she somehow understands why I tried to erase everything from my memories tho…

I mean, feedback is not something objective. It really depends on your mentor and the teacher that follows you from school. So she was like “I feel like rationally you know they exaggerated and stuff. How should I interpret this?”. Well, interpret it the way you want. My mind switches from rational to irrational in a split second. It all depends on the moment. I guess I had a somewhat good moment there. I guess the rational part helps a bit to put it in perspective.

She asked what I’ll take with me to the internship now, for my reports.. I didn’t have my 2 cases for my 6 big reports at the time, so I told her that I wanted to start working on them as soon as possible, but that I just couldn’t start yet… She said “I think that you will have to ask for them”. But I asked for cases every day, so I stopped her there. But she just continued “you will have to say this to them, since it’s the 2nd time you do your internship. If it’s not good, you will be the one in the s*.”. She said that, I’m not even kidding, 3 times “you will háve to ask for it. You really will have to ask for it”. I told her that I was gonna get a case later that day (that kid was in quarantine before, but returned again to therapy later that day). And she repeated again that “I’ll háve to ask for it if I don’t get anything”. I’m getting back to the ‘have to’ part later in this post… Just remember for now that she already mentioned it here.

After the reports, the giving therapy came up. She asked what was wrong with that last time. I could say a lot of things there, there was just nothing good. I mean, at one point I was so desperate that I gave the exáct same therapy like my mentor once did, to another child obv, and mine was not good?? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I had no idea what else I could do at that point… She asked if I see the irrationality from them. I mean, sometimes I do? And then I realize that they were strict and stuff and it’s not everywhere like that. But mostly I don’t. And then I think I’m the one in fault.

She, once again, asked me what hurt me the most. Back to the trauma-part apparently. I really can’t pinpoint one thing. It’s just the fact that nothing was good enough. That made me believe that I was and am not good enough. I actually told her that, that s was personal. Hooray for telling i guess. She told me that it seems like it’s difficult to put into words. Well, I actually got my answer in my head, saying it’s not difficult at all actually, but that I just don’t want tot tell her (yet? Idk).. But I couldn’t say that either, so I just agreed to what she said. So, yes, she knows there is more. I just know by the amount of things she wrote down then lol. But she also knew at that point that I wasn’t gonna say anything more.

The best way to get over my fear is to just write a report, submit it and see what happens. Or give a therapy-session and see what happens. It won’t be all fixed after that, we’ll still have to see where the trauma is or sth. Well, I have my daily reports that I have to write… anddd here’s another memorable part:

Me: my mentor gave feedback on my daily reports. And he said “it’s good, but – and then gives like 2 remarks per report”. But that means it’s not good. According to me.

Ti: wait wait wait, so you say you get 2 remarks and then it’s not good?

Me: no.

Ti: why?

Me: bc there are remarks.

Ti: what were the remarks? Bc he also said that it actually was good, and -

Me: yes, but he said but.

Well, let’s just say that I couldn’t convince her from my point of view. Yes, that makes sense, BUT STILL. She gave me some example of going to the restaurant but it was a bit much, or too little. And asked me if that means that the value of the quality is too little. I basically was like YESS THAT’S EXACTLY THAT! But I didn’t dare to say that so I just said that I didn’t know.

I told her about some remarks on a report and she gave me another example, to see things differently. Well, she’s not changing her mind, but I can’t see it in any other way either. If there are remarks, it’s bad. Dot, end of the line. She tried to convince me again with a 2nd example, but I just struggle to see it that way… She asked if I want to open up to see it that way.. I mean, sure I do, I just really don’t know how I could see it in any other way. I just keep seeing it as bad. It’s like my parents, telling me it’s not all black and white, but that’s just how it is to me.

She thinks there’s also a sort of distrust. I didn’t think they would fail me last time, and not with the gravity of which they did. So now I don’t believe and trust them when they say something is good. She thinks that I don’t dare to do certain things bc of the distrust. She's probably right. I guess there ís distrust at play.

We talked a bit about the results I got for my last internship. Bc I thought I would pass, I didn’t expect the result I got. She thinks that’s another big part that we’ve been missing so far. Idk.

I told her at the beginning that there is one person on my internship with who I can talk, so she asked me if I could have a talk with her. Saying that “they were strict and critical on my previous internship but then pushed me into the ground, which caused distrust that it’ll be like this everywhere. That I see feedback as something really bad”. She was all “yes I know it’s hard, but I would try it and see what it does to you”. I just wasn’t convinced so I gave her a quiet “yeaah” to please her and to shut her up tbh… I don’t want to tell them about my previous internship, I don’t want them to treat me differently, I don’t want them to think differently about me. I eventually did an effort and said it’d depend on the moment. And inside, I was like, okay, that’s better than the previous ‘yeaah?’ kinda thing. Her response was like “for yourself, you will háve to do it tho”. I just stayed quiet (she said ‘have to’, I felt suffocated and pushed in a corner and I was freaking out. I’d have to do something, what I basically don’t want to, and now I’m gonna let her down bc I won’t do it (obv) and bc I don’t want to do it), so she continued… “I know it’s hard, I know. But to get over it, we will have to go all the way”. Still quietness. “it can’t get any worse, can it?”. Still not much of a response… so she asked me if the person is approachable. Which she is. So she said again “then I think you have to try it.”. Another doubting yeah... “that person already knows you better than your mentor..?” to which I agreed, bc I don’t say much to my mentor tbh. So she concluded that I could try it. Let’s just say that I ended with a “yes... Maybe”. I don’t even know why I would have to do this tbh.

After this she really abruptly ended it and asked when we would meet again. At the door, while leaving, she practically begged me again to at least try it. I told her I’d see. If I can’t manage to do it we’ll find another way (another way for what? What’s the point of this?), but apparently I have to try it.

So, that was at Wednesday 28/10/20. I had 3 more days after that on my internship, in which I did not say anything to anyone about this entire thing. Even tho I had opportunities. And now I have a week vacation. So that would give me one more week to try to say something before we meet again. I don’t feel like doing it. I really don’t. I already said why before. But also her choice of words. Idc if it’s a stupid reason, she should nót have said ‘have to’. I already ‘háve to’ do too much for other people, like at home and stuff.. And I already had to do too much for others in the past, like that s*-abuse-guy-situation. Just… don’t ever put me in front of a dilemma where I don’t even have a choice.. I know I say ‘have to’ a lot to myself. But that’s ME, to MYSELF. Don’t you éver try to say ‘have to’ to me… you have no right to obligate me to do things. That just has the opposite effect.

Okayy, writing this down made me realize that this was a quite confusing session, going from one thing to the other. Now and then and back to now and back to then and back to feelings and to thoughts and to feedback and to now and … Whew. Yeah. Idk. Confusion.

She has this thing, when she assumes something and I kinda wait or think about an answer, she tries to reassure me and says “I understand why *pause”. It’s good that she does that, it’s just funny that she does that quite a lot.

And sometimes there are these silences where we just stare at each other lol. Or where she thinks about whether she should ask something or not. I just see it on her face. But the silences are good. It gives me time to think about how much I could trust her, or time to think about putting the proper words together to say what I think. Think-write-process is something entirely different than think-say-process. At least that’s how it feels to me.