Idk if it because i stopped exercising, cause i gained weight, cause there's onle one year left for me to end the stupid career and i still don't know what i wanna do with my life, but it's been a couple of shitty weeks where i get overwhelmed by the tiniest of tasks related to school, and while i've been able to still do everytime on time, i'm not doing it like before, like i want to, things i could do days or even weeks prior and i just fucking keep putting it back, and no matter what i see on youtube, what music i listen to or how much i laugh and spend a good time with my family i just still feel so so sad. Like none of it, absolutely bone of it is worth it. I just keep seeing the world being so incredibly shitty on every aspect, and i don't wanna get out of school and then live 50+ years of misery working in this capitalist society that will probably use all the resources in less that fifty years, and while that happens, i'll never have enough money to live comfortably let alone be happy and indulge in this now wild dream of having enough to spare for hobbies, concerts, traveling.
Nothing makes me happy enough lately... I just feel tired and I wanna stop
The things that keep me going is the guilt and cowardice. I've never been brave enough to actually harm myself, let alone kill myself. And I'm guilty, I feel guilty. I'm very privileged: my parents wanted me and planned me, they took care of me so well as i child that i never suffered any trauma, i got all levels of education, without the need to work, i've never had to pay bill, i hadn't had to pay university, i was born with enough logic and reading comprehension to make everyone believe i'm intelligent and always, always get good grades, and i also have the sufficiente enough sense of manipulation to do the easiest things in teamwork and get thing get handed to me without any effort cause i'm also lucky like that i guess. And i've never had any difficulties, no really. So so much privilege.
and yet, i still managed to be a failure.
There's something wrong with me.
I guess... People would say i'm a not failure when i have good grades, but school is literally so fucking useless. I'm a failure at life, and i haven't even started.
Why couldn't i be blind to all of this existential dread and struggle like everyone else?
