#25swf

15 things I love about being single: 1- I can turn the heat up at night and fall asleep warm. Every guy it's seems I've dated loves the fan blaring at 150mph. My head gets cold! 2- I don't have to close the bathroom door 3- I can turn on ALL of the lights in the morning, and listen to my Pandora (I can even blare it if I so wish) Oh, there's more.... 4- I never have to do something I don't want to do 5- Crafts, everywhere! I can leave them out and not feel bad 6- No one in my space making me feel bad 7- I'm never disappointed when I come home and something we talked about has yet to be done 8- I self reflect, a lot...and I know I will be a better person because of this 9- My friends are my priority, not another dude 10- I can make my bed in the morning, and come home to it made at night 11- I save a lot of money 12- I save a lot of time 13- I save a lot of tears Geez, 15 good things about being single is kind of hard to come up with. I'm not sure if that's a statement about me, or if that would be an "in general" kinda thing? 15 is kinda a lot...of well, anything. Yeah, I'm gonna go with that. ;) I'm going to leave the last two blank, please fill them in for me. 14- 15-

Any recommendations out there? I'm always looking for more songs to blare in my car when I'm feeling particularly positive despite my current condition of relationship failure and constant mental nagging of "I wonder what he is doing...?"

This is how she described her relationship with my ex-boyfriend. They had been together for 3 and 1/2 years. Engaged. And then she broke it off months before the wedding. The ex-fiancee and the ex-girlfriend had coffee last night and it was everything I imagined it would be. She was so sweet. So gracious. So open with me. I apologized for the weirdness. It felt really weird sitting there across from someone I had wanted to ask so many times, "Is this how he treated you? Am I making this up? Why can't I leave?" But she was there. And I WAS asking her those things. She said she moved out here from California to be with him and she had huge reservations then, but she did it anyways. She said there were great experiences but, looking back, she didn't know if they were worth it. Worth what he put her through. I completely found solace in everything she said. She validated me. I hope I gave her something as well, and I think I did. "It's like watching a bad movie," she said. "You get done and you are like, I will never get those two hours of my life back." An hour later, we hugged, said farewell and keep in touch...and left to live our own lives. We had both been affected in strong ways by the same person. We had very different relationships, but the most similar experiences. The only kind of experience that you would have to live through in order to understand what someone meant when they said, "It was traumatizing." So what did I learn? I confronted my fear. I trusted my instinct. Something I had been ignoring for a long time. Something that he had emotionally beaten out of me. And now, today, I feel like I got a piece of myself back. And I am so grateful to her. Yours fully, 25swf

This is Mr. John Hughes He can't take ALL the blame, I mean responsibility. But he's the one who brought these stories alive for me and they still live on. Should I hate him for it? I'm not sure what this means for me. Is imagining love through art dangerous? It doesn't have to be movies, it could be anything...books, plays, whatever. Is it dangerous because it doesn't exist? Dangerous because it will never live up to your expectations? These stories were written by people, like you and me, maybe they were sharing something with us that they had seen. Or maybe they were making it all up. Gods help us all if it was all made up. I think I will choose to believe that it does exist. That love, the stereo blaring/lawn mower riding kind, can happen. And will happen. If we let it. Yours positively, 25swf

January 1, 2011. 01-01-11. Do you have any idea what this means?!?! Well, this year is going to be #1, of course! I was ----this close to not going out for New Years. As the day grew I felt less and less in the mood. But I sucked it up. I started getting ready (with the aid of my Jay-Z Pandora station) and I made it through. I'm so glad I went out and didn't trust my fuddy-duddy instinct to drown my sorrows in a sad cup of hot chocolate and a bowl of homemade popcorn. I can do that any night ;) I think I have to do that a lot more...get over my fuddy-duddy instinct. Because despite my outgoing, talk-too-much, people-loving attitude, I LOVE to stay in. I love Netflixing my heart away and hunkering down under the covers with cats sprinkled in there somewhere. It's glorious. But only glorious when it's rare. Like all good things, they are only their best in moderation. And here's to 2011! The NUMBER 1 year, by default. ps. My actual New Year's Night really wasn't that exciting (story wise), although enjoyable. I ran into a bunch of people, which was delightful. AND I did get a lot of (mean) glares from the same-sex, due to the red dress, of course. I don't think I've ever experience a mean glare. They are pretty funny looking, really. Yours futuristically, 25swf

I realized last night that some of you may be in love right now. And despite my angsty Fiona-Apple-attitude towards the matter, I realized I may not be completely fair to love. And who wants to read post after post about some sad 25-year-old whining about her heart being torn out of her chest and thrown to a pack of wolves. But I digress... ;) I believe in it. Ya know, LOVE. And I know it's out there. I'm not anti-love. I'm not jaded. Well, maybe just a (wee) bit. I refrain from saying that love is out there and waiting for me. Mainly because I think that's part of my problem. Before the latest heart smoothie I have always thought of love as something (someone) out there waiting...Love is not waiting at all. Love is experiencing, loving others, heartbroken and then healing, and most of all...living. It does not wait. I want to find it growing and thriving, not waiting. That's just dumb. So I know love is out there, living for me. I'll meet you one day. And that being said. I still cringe a bit when I hear about one of my friend's getting engaged. But rest assure, that's my own shudder of fear. And if you are older than 25 and getting married, go you. Your chances of divorce go down significantly, and we all need any help we can get. So to all you out there who are in love---I say, relish in it. Roll around in it. Fold yourself into it. Appreciate it. Respect it. Know that it may not always be there, so nurture it and let it grow. Let it grow into something bigger than love. Something bigger than you. Love is not "the" answer. Horrendous things are done out of love. Maybe with time we should try and rise above love and find something I will call...peace. Temporarily peacefully yours, 25swf

This is what came up when I googled "Curiosity Killed the Cat"...I thought it was appropriate ;) I got that feeling. Ya know that feeling that creeps up on you when you are feeling fine and dandy? The creeping feeling to creep on Facebook where you shouldn't be creeping. On who? Ex boyfriends, of course my dear friends. I wish there was a Facebook message (coherent of what you were doing) that said DANGER! when you tried to creep around. The mental DANGER! note wasn't enough. First I creeped on "Parker" who I've mentioned a couple of times, but I haven't dived much into that relationship except for when I first started this blog (click here to read a bit about Parker). I saw that someone (a lady) had tagged him in a status where she thanked him for some red roses. I thought, well...maybe he's dating this chica. So I clicked on her name, and saw that they were in a relationship. I wasn't sad or anything. I was actually really happy for him. I mean, I'm not going to lie, I felt a little sad that our friendship is going to change. I won't contact him anymore, mainly because I don't want to cause any trouble between them, but other than that...I felt pretty good about his recent change from 25, single, white, male. But I didn't stop creeping there...of course I had to go to my most recent fellow. The "Mind Fuck" (who I thought about giving a false name, but nothing is as descriptive as Mind Fuck...we'll shorten it to MF for efforts sake). I de-friended MF on Facebook quite a while ago, back in September, so I can't see his whole profile. I thought this was best for everyone, because let's be honest...it's painful seeing that stuff. But I can still creep. I see limited information, but I noticed he had been tagged in a picture with a girl. So, the curiosity creeped...and I clicked. The caption read "NY for NYE!!!" and I thought... "huh???" Like, THIS New Years Eve? Surely not. I thought maybe this was from high school or something? Nope. Curiosity creeped even more, and I clicked. Some girl. I don't even recall her name. In a relationship with MF. Anniversary January 1, 2011. This was my trip last New Years with MF. And then when I tried be friends with him again a few of months ago (October). I told him I wanted to go to New York again for New Years, and I wanted to go with him. I quickly decided a couple of weeks after trying to be "friends" that that was the worse idea EVER. Obviously, New York wasn't going to happen. Frankly I am terrified for this new girl. Does she know? I want to yell at the top of my lungs, "DON'T DO IT!" but that just can't happen. I have to own up to my feelings. Seeing that he's in a relationship made me really sad. Maybe sad because well, that was fucking fast. Maybe sad because, that girl is fucked. Maybe sad because, it's just sad...he is sad. First thing I did after I read all this bullshit was I told my mom. Her response was the worse thing ever. "You've been replaced." "Mom, why would you ever say something like that?" Everything she said afterwards I didn't hear. I just got up (I'm visiting home), picked up my keys and wallet and said I needed to take a drive. She felt awful and started crying. I still needed a drive. So I drove around for half an hour. I got lost. I cried a little bit. I listened to some J-Lo Pandora and I felt better. All of this curiosity clicking has really put me in a funky mood. And I was having such a glorious day. But I ended that for myself. ME. I did that. I really need your advice. How do you resist the urge to click? Yours curiously, 25swf

I feel like as of lately a lot of my posts...oh-hell, all of them, are dramatic. Not dramatized...that shit is too real, but just DRAMATIC. And well, I'm exhausted. I am not a drama queen. And usually, my life is pretty simple, by all accounts of the word. But you wouldn't have thought that from these recent posts about meeting exes, vagina hearts, and the curious clicking I've been blabbering about. So, I wanted to share something different with you... These are the things on my mind lately, but I just whittled down to 5 of them, for attention span sake. 1- Hershey's lip balm blows (but not in the good way). Don't buy it. BOOOOOOO! =  2- I LOVE when people cook for me. It's so special to me. Like in a touch-my-heart kind of way. I wish I knew how to cook more and I could make other people feel that way. 3- I am going to volunteer for something very soon. This is what has been missing from my life! I really do love to volunteer and I haven't done it in like a year. While I volunteer on like EVERY film project (that's what I do-do) in the world, I need some good 'ole fashioned volunteer warmth. My friend is going to start working at the Ronald McDonald's House and I think that's where I will go! YAY!!!! = 4- I'm looking for a second job, part-time, to start saving money for New York. I'm really excited about this! I may work at the Y, or the Civic Center...I don't know, I just want to enjoy what I'm doing and burrow it away for my New York nest. 5- I am seriously considering becoming a Buddhist. I have never cared to be a part of a religion, but lately...that has changed. I have this deep urge to be a part of Buddhism and learn more. I think it's time for me to do some leg work, go to some temples, and find out if it's for me. My boss is a Buddhist so I asked him and apparently it's not weird for white peeps to come to temple. I know that's strange, but that's what I worried about...if I would be offending someone because I wasn't raised as a Buddhist and I might be viewed as appropriating their culture. I took this Honors College course once that really left a dent. I'm always conscientious (afraid) of being that white person who appropriates culture. But I think if I am respectful and genuine, I don't care. I think Buddha is calling to me. (But not in the creepy Jesus kind of "he's-talking-to-me" way). And I think I'm going to answer. Namaste (In Sanskrit this word means “I bow to you”), 25swf