#228th

228th DC18 TMP modeled in #Blender 2.83

Still working on the Gun textures, I like making them all myself

The image quality did drop in blender, i have no isea why (the reference image) so i did get somethings wrong and somethings wrong that i do like, i will fix thise when i work on the new texture

Refernce Image Source - https://www.deviantart.com/pd-black-dragon/art/DC-18-TMP-644000616

【UNSTEADY】

-who will I hold on to in this last journey when you are gone-

D.Gray-Man the 228th Night

Title based on  X Ambassadors' "Unsteady” for the movie Me Before You

FB: Dark kun

Right where am I again?

Or maybe nowhere at all and I am going on again but whether or not toward the end of a straight line or the start of a circle that is not the question but probably just a fact.

Well let's just put it in Murakami's way: we get hurt and close ourselves, but during the process of living we open up and grow. We might get hurt and close again. But then we could always open up again and grow better.

I guess even if a circle is repeated or something, at least I repeat it... better eh?

After all I am sure everything is in different forms disregarding its mutual core. As long as I will not realize that I am programmed or something habitual, I will probably just be as happy as ever with my life.

Honestly I don't know. I looked back at my old posts dated approx. a year ago and the worries about 'Future' - a life after Uni have been a recurring theme already, it never ends. Of course, because life after Uni is still present at this very moment.

Living in fears all the time. Then, what else? I guess that's just it. 

These few months, I just realized that whatever's going on seems to lead me back to the past. I think the more I live the more of my past is revealed, and the clearer I know it and face it.

You could say you use the current experiences to decipher the hidden emotions that your past incurred. 

Vividly this year, of all, I understand how my past has always followed me. I am glad I no longer try to rid of it. Nor do I want to ignore it subconsciously. I mean. See! I do not use 'the past haunts me'. I simply said it follows me.

Reduce level of negativity obviously....

It's true that you can never run away from your self. In other words you can be nothing but yourself. Learn to love it.

Or hate it all you want and you just see yourself sabotaging yourself.

...

I don't think, (so far I see I mean) people love themselves.

No one does.

Anyone would sabotage oneself in some sense. I wonder if it's because of what's been imposed upon them by family/society/community/tradition/culture whatever that makes them never feel satisfied with their own mirror of the society or to the society...

Don't know about the others. But it is the case for me.

When you just clearly see who you are, you just cannot accept it. 

When I just get to know me better, I dislike it stronger.

The more I face my past and see it visible to my own perception, the more frustrated I feel.

Simply speaking (get to the point I mean), I do hate myself very much.

Don't you think the act of socializing and living in social communities is to find someone who actually loves yourself and tell you that yourself is love-able?

Maybe that is the deep nature of 'being nice' lol

And that's why I am being too nice...

...and try best to avoid conflicts. But because it's 'too nice', yeah that's the difference, not just 'nice' but 'too nice', it turns to another extremity, and that's either 'too dramatic' or 'too annoying'.

I could stuff everything inside and suddenly explode in one fine day.

Or hold it all in.

Hold it in.

Keep holding.

And just leave.

Yeah, just disappear like a thin air. I am already an air girl anyway that's the plus -lol-

It's called 'run-away'.

And sadly enough, sometimes (wait) or most of the time, ... or always (actually) it's an unconscious doing. More like 'instinctive act'.

I am a shame, we are just a shame, we-I mean-us-the whole nation. 

Being all offended due to your haughtiness and vanity all you want. But let's face it, we are poor shameful little rats having no rules and no fucking cultural capital.

You study in the best and most expensive school and yet you prefer buying a child ticket to reduce some costs.

You are smart and you sell your intellectual by writing assignments for others.

You buy marriage for the sake of citizenship.

You are poor and you are coward.

You see they even introduce Skype interview for anyone applying for a visa, and the process is tightened due to some shameful events.

And we girls are labelled as "imported brides" who are thought to have 'secret weapons' to be "good in bed" lol 

What else for third-world-problems hm...

...  ...

Who, with the right mind, would want to choose to be born as fuck?

We cannot choose our destiny we can only change it somehow depending on our own level of power.

...

But honestly, you could never go far with that culture embedded in your way of life, you are born into that anyway

Then again, I guess I particularly need not go far, I just need to feed my mouth day by day in the most decent and honest way, as decent and honest as possible. Anyway.

After all we can not group all in one category. Oh well... just saying...

...

Yeah what am I here writing myself out?

I guess it's because I am bored with complaining about what I am going to do with my life lol therefore, I complain about myself instead.

'What's gonna be in my future?' is another recurring theme in this blog. My blog is such a crap now huh? Just on and on same fucking thing, like I am programmed to do same thing over and over again. 

I need a job for sure. 

Even though I clearly feel reluctant to work at the moment...

I need something to carry on. 

Now I could fall by anything because I have not a single thing to stand on/for. No pride. No capital. Nothing.

And I need something, at least one thing to stand on/for.

...

So going back home maybe? What's the point of hanging on here knowing utterly I won't get a job...

...

I have to say I am a loser. Let's just face it once for all. There is nothing to hide.

And the worst thing is that I am a loser than every single other losers.

The Bottom of the very bottom.