#212am

It kinda feels like if you're going to be around you'd be around. I spent all of my fight. I fought for so many years to make something Terrible work, and then I spent a series of years trying to make thing after thing work when everyone was growing and changing too much to ever really get to a success state.

I don't know what a success state would be, happily ever after? People being around forever until someone dies? Those aren't realistic endings to hope for, to consider continual relationships to be a success ignores all the shit relationships I made continue and condemns perfectly fine relationships in which we just grew apart.

That's the thing, right? Growing apart.

I don't know how to fight for people because you can have an impact in someone's growth but it takes delicate, precise, willing intrusion to direct someone's growth. It's something partners may partake in but it's not For partners to do. People grow for themselves, or at least they should. And people are always capable of growing away from you. I don't know how to tell if something's worth fighting for anymore. I've thrown so much effort and pain and love into situations and I made them better than they ever had any right to be but there's something to be said about the glass circulating through my veins because I Made It Work for far too long. I don't know how to say no, so I just disabled myself from saying yes. Let the universe figure it out.

Because that's another part of it. I flow with the universe incredibly much, I'm a luck witch who understands change is Painful and love is wise and that if you follow one and embrace the other you'll eventually find fine. You'll find depth, partake in beauty, have the opportunity to heal what nobody else could touch. All at the cost of loss, and heartache, and way too many memories a bleeding old dodger could sort through.

So who am I to exist and float in all of that and decide I'm going to push against it when it comes to me. That I deserve better when I've been treated well already in the grand scheme of things.

I've seen what saying Yes and Fighting and struggling gets you, and I don't know if I'm well enough to not just leap up into service again the moment I'm capable. I've grown in so many ways but there are such deep puncture wounds in places I've never looked at clearly before. It's fascinating how much of you changes when you aren't looking. It's incredible how much the perspective that is looking changes when you aren't looking.

But imagine, genuinely, how well you could be if you patched those punctures. Imagine if you didn't simply let your sail flap and enjoy the sun but you could Ride again. Skimming across the water to some glorious capacity without feeling lasso'd by the sun to follow it until you're bones and ash. I don't know how to fight for people, I just love them as well as I can. But one day, I'm not going to be afraid of saying yes. I'm going to pour love into this punctured heart and find no more leaks.