#20sep2020

So, it has been two months since I started work.. And man, it has been a journey. At first, it was challenging and I took it in my stride and I really wanted to prove myself. So, I gave my all to the job. I started working 9 - 8 on most days, and also over the weekend. It was and still is extremely overwhelming and I don’t have the time or the energy to do anything when I get back home.

I think what made the difference, was the past week. The week of SS. Granted, I was told I could come in later on the days but I was also CONSTANTLY reminded that I had pending stuff for other clients. I think what really got on my nerves was when my boss was saying that I should be working on our LinkedIn content as well and 5 minutes later, she said, “I know SS is important, but your job is PR and your PR work is lagging”. And I was like if PR is my work, then why did you even give me the SS project? 

I am struggling and drowning in everything, without a single support. And I still have to do extra work to make up for the lack of work other people are doing. I am just so done. 

I don’t think I have gone a single weekend in the past 2 months without working. And I have barely eaten at home during the weekdays as well. I know that in this current climate, I am supposed to be grateful to have a job and to have gotten a job. But, to what extent? My body physically could not handle it this week. And I was and still am so damn tired. I came home at 11+ everyday and still continued doing work till 1am+. And then I went into work latest at 11am. I just physically cannot do it. Mentally, is a different story altogether.

And the worst thing is, I have no support, in or out of work when it comes to peers. At work, I don’t have anyone to discuss things with, try to problem solve together with, seek advice from or anything. I am just there all alone, and my boss is not really helping. Outside of work, I don’t have the support I thought I would have. My message often go unanswered for days and with everything going on at work, I don’t have the energy to even constantly message people to ask if they are okay. I just don’t. 

I just feel so alone in every sense of the word. I try not to talk about the problems at work at home just because I don’t think I will find a solution for it. And I just feel it all building up within me and I don’t know when it is going to burst through. 

When I started, I really thought I would want to stay for a couple of years, but even a couple of months has me so freaking exhausted and just so mentally defeated. What is worse is I am not getting any luck with coverage. I have pulled my weight of it, but I am just not getting it.. And I get it.. results matter. But I can only take so much as well. And I don’t know where my limit is.