#2019 throwback

Zendaya | Tommy X Zendaya. Spring 2019 

My self-esteem is at 5 on average. It could sometimes fluctuate to 11 when I become impulsive but it could go down to 2. Because I admit that there are times I am hit massively by insecurities in my life. During those moments, I would be pulled back in a corner, watching the people around me as I question myself why couldn’t I be them or have a little bit of them in me. Why can’t I just be confident and ALL THAT?

Anxiety would infuse my blood streams and my mind would conjure negative things that would only make me feel worse. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. I definitely don’t need it. Hence, to fight it, I would intellectualize the situation. I would often think that my insecurities do not actually matter because there will be a time that it would not. It could be soon. It could take longer. I don’t know when, but I do know that time will come that it won’t matter. And all of us have a common ground. We’re all the same, living in our skins, breathing life, and making something out of it. It may seem that it is not but it is. We are all the same. We had the same beginning and we will have the same ending. And then I go back to my favorite quote by Chuck Palahniuk for the final thought:

“You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're all singing, all dancing crap of the world.”

Some people may think my way is cold and harsh, but intellectualization is my defense mechanism. It is something that I do to help myself and stand up from that corner to continue my life again.

So, if anyone out there is feeling down and being eaten by insecurities. Please get yourself out of there and do something about it. Any thing that could make you feel better. Like go eat pizza or a chocolate or take a nap.

Edited, P.S. (09/17/19):