#2018rewind

New Year 2018

Bagi saya, 2018 mengubah saya begitu banyak. Ada beberapa hal besar yang saya dapatkan dari-Nya. Hal-hal yang membuat saya bersyukur karena diberi kesempatan untuk melewatinya.

31 Desember 2017, untuk pertama kalinya saya berkunjung ke rumah si Mas dan berkenalan dengan kedua orang tuanya. Saya tidak mengira bahwa kami akan menikah kala itu.

Akhir Januari, si Mas melamar saya. Di ruang tamu rumah ibuk. Si Mas grogi sampai salah ucap. Saya tersenyum lega karena akhirnya berani memutuskan; menyerahkan nasib saya ke depannya kepada Gusti Allah, terserahlah kami akan bagaimana nantinya.

14 Februari, bapak mertua dan pakde si Mas datang ke rumah untuk 'meminta' saya. Melamar kepada ibuk-bapak.

4 Maret, keluarga si Mas resmi melamar ke rumah. Langkah awal kami menuju keseriusan.

22 Agustus, kami resmi menikah. Akad di masjid dekat rumah. Sore hari setelah idul adha. Acara sederhana sesuai impian saya.

6 September, saya pindah ke Banyuwangi, menyusul si Mas yang sudah di sana terlebih dahulu. Kami mengontrak. Belajar hidup mandiri. Di awal kepindahan, saya banyak bapernya, dramanya, nangisnya. Maklum, harus sendirian menunggu si Mas bikin saya kaget. Tiba-tiba aja gitu.

Tahu-tahu kami sudah memasuki bulan kelima pernikahan. Sudah semakin banyak pertanyaan soal kehamilan. Saya mati-matian menjaga hati supaya tidak baper.

Hubungan saya dengan bapak tak kunjung menemui titik temu. Saya masih rindu, bapak pun masih tidak memberi kabar. Tidak apa-apa. Saya kira nanti akan ada saatnya bertemu bapak. Biar saya coba untuk lapang dada merelakan bapak.

Terima kasih 2018, sudah memberi saya kesempatan untuk berani mengambil keputusan terbesar dalam hidup saya. Saya banyak sekali bersyukur tahun ini.

Oh boy, what can I say about this year? This has probably been the second worst year for me (2012 being the worse) All the big plans I had hoped for this year went out the window. I guess I should spill on everything that happened this year now; I didn’t want to say anything earlier in the year because I didn’t think anyone would care about my problems. But anyway, back in June the first major thing that happened that sent my year into a spiraling misery is that my mom lost her job, it came suddenly out of nowhere. My mom was an admin for a real estate office and with just a few weeks’ notice, her boss announced her office would close down and of course that happened right at our vacation time. We had planned a trip to Canada, the same trip we had planned last year, but couldn’t take it and now we had to cancel it again this year. And of course that sent me into severe depression because I was really looking forward to that vacation. That was the reason for my depressing journal back several months ago and those words still hold true today. Of course, my mom did get a pension from her job and was able to file for unemployment, but that only goes so far for so long. What’s make our situation more dire is that my parents still have a montage to pay off on our house and my mom’s income from her job made up most of the payments. My dad lives on retirement and social security and cannot go back to work because of his disabilities.  

Of course, I have a job myself, but it is only part time and the petty income I get from my job doesn’t nearly make up for the amount of income my mom made. That is why I said I might have to give up on my art, with this situation I have to find another job that is full time or a second job I can work at when I’m not at my first job and of course that would leave very little time for my art. I would be just too exhausted and stressed to do anything art wise. I have been job hunting for the past several months with no prevail, I’ve had several job offers that sounded promising, but never fell through. I haven’t given up yet, but it’s getting harder and harder to find a decent job. Also money has been getting tight because my mom no longer as job, so I barely got a anything this year, I still went out with my friends when I could and went to small events, but most of my time was spent in my room watching life pass me by. I had also planned on going to a furry con this year, but no, that never happened because all my saved money had to other things and my parents would not be thrilled with spending any of their money on something like that. Now it’s doubtful I’ll ever will be able to go to a furry con being how tight money is for me.

I really don’t know what the next year will hold for me because if my mom or me doesn’t find a new job soon, my parents will fall behind on montage payments and our house will go into foreclosure and we will be forced to move again and don’t know where we are going to move to, it won’t be a nice house that’s for sure or even a decent apartment. So yeah, right now my future is very uncertain and I don’t know how much longer I can continue with my art or stay on DA. Of course, I love doing my art, but right now I just don’t see it as a reliable income source.

Anyway, I do want to leave this on a happy note, I still want to thank all of the people on here that have continued to support my art and have been my long-term friends on here. Without any of you I probably would not have lasted as long as I have been on here or even through this rough year.    

Mengawali tahun dengan tidur tepat 15 menit sebelum 1 januari sepertinya harus dibayar mahal sepanjang tahun. Harus move on padahal tidak merasa menjalin hubungan dengan siapapun, harus bangun tembok lagi dari awal ketika ada chat "hai" masuk, harus merasakan sakit dan sedihnya berkonflik dengan teman, harus berusaha untuk tidak flashback ketika melewati tempat yang pernah disinggahi untuk menghabiskan waktu dengan seseorang dan harus menerima mimpi buruk yang menjadi kenyataan. Berat nggak? Berat, sayang.

Awal tahun 2018 adalah sebenar-benarnya titik terendah dalam hidup. Mengecewakan-dikecewakan-menyakiti-disakiti menjadi semacam siklus hidup yang terjadi di awal tahun. Bahkan sampai sekarang pun apabila harus mengingat kembali hal-hal yang terjadi di awal tahun rasanya semua bulu kuduk langsung berdiri. Tapi sebagai seseorang yang memegang teguh istilah mending misuh timbang sambat, awal 2018 bisa dilewati dengan babak bundas cukup baik. Tentunya dengan umpatan-umpatan khas jawa timur setiap harinya.

Lalu bagaimana dengan sisanya? Sisanya dihabiskan dengan mencoba menerima agar bisa mengikhlaskan apa saja yang sudah terjadi, nonton gig, nonton gig, nonton gig, belajar bahasa inggris sama anak SD, berusaha bikin ibuk dan ayah lebih sering tersenyum, ikut biro jomblo dan mencari cara untuk menghindari pertanyaan "kapan bawa calon ke rumah" dengan elegan.

Tapi resolusi aman kan? AMBYAR MAS. Kayak hatiku tiap kali kamu cerita soal cewek lain di depanku. Bukan berarti tidak ada yang terlaksana, hanya saja jumlahnya lebih sedikit daripada yang tidak terlaksana. Tapi memang sepertinya ini menjadi "template" semua orang yang menulis resolusi di awal tahun. Apa ada yang resolusinya terlaksana semua? Selamat, ya!

Kesimpulannya? Pada akhirnya 2018 adalah tentang menerima, merelakan lalu mengikhlaskan. Menerima kenyataaan bahwa apa yang kita tanam belum tentu kita tuai. Merelakan hal-hal yang kita inginkan melenggang pergi tanpa mengucap salam dan mengikhlaskan segalanya agar bisa berjalan ke depan tanpa menyisakan dendam. Thank you, 2018! You rock! Walaupun bikin lebih sering misuh.

Sebelum kamu pamit, boleh nitip salam ke seseorang nggak?