2018 Fandom Reflections
Iām going to do a year in review list of fics and answer tags on some of the memes floating around, but Iām waiting until January when a few anon fics in fests are revealed as Iād really like to include those in my ramblings. This is more a personal take on some reflections Iāve had on fandom - and my place and activity within it - over the course of this year.
On a personal level, real life work and fandom as a hobby have intersected this year for me like never before, and the combination of taking on multiple commitments to academic publishing, grappling with the demands of my thesis and moderating and participating in multiple fests has been a lot. Iāve had something of a rollercoaster year, but Iām ending 2018 feeling creatively inspired, happy, and energised for another active fandom year. Thank you to everyone who has been part of it and those friends new and old that have been instrumental to shaping my year and pulling me out of the funk I was in at the beginning of the year.
Some key lessons Iāve personally learned in 2018 below the cut to save your dash from my GIANT WALL OF TEXT.
All At Sea: I think of my relationship to fan spaces sometimes as a bit like being out at sea. Itās easy to get caught up in the current and drift along, but the tide is always turning and there are unexpected storms which make staying afloat more challenging at times. Sometimes it can be exhausting when you feel as though youāre swimming against a strong current and making no progress, but on other occasions you find a spot where you can swim, choose your own direction, do handstands in the water and itās exhilarating. This year I learned itās okay to get out of the sea sometimes, to push your toes in the sand, feel the sun on your face, and just enjoy watching the waves. Have a cocktail with friends at the beach bar, chill the fuck out, basically. From starting the year feeling in something of a fandom funk, Iāve got to a place at the end of this year where I feel very positive about fandom and grateful to share a space with so many brilliant, talented, supportive people.Ā
Burnout and Information Overwhelm: This year, the burnout has been real and Iāve worked out that the platforms Iām operating on contribute a lot to that feeling of mental exhaustion. Using my mobile for fandom activity, having more time than ever at my personal laptop instead of an office computer which restricted me from accessing fan platforms and ramping up my use of Tumblr, Twitter, WhatsApp and Discord for fandom activity created a kind of information overwhelm that comes with high speed interactions and heightened the sense of needing to be present, or to offer opinions as part of fast-paced interactions requiring quick thinking, and sometimes knee-jerk responses. With this came the suspicion and bitter taste caused by anonymous messages cropping up in the inboxes of me and my friends, and it felt at times as though I was constantly logged on and in a state of hypersensitivity. Iāve learned that stepping back from things and learning to balance time spent online with time spent offline is an important part of self-care and itās okay to be absent for a while. If conversations are draining, leave them. If you see opinions you donāt like, ignore them or try to understand them. They are just opinions - and I mean opinions on characters, canon, fandom and so on as opposed to political opinions that actively seek to harm people. Everyone has different perspectives on things. There really is room for everyone. Regarding anonymous messages, if the only way someone wants to interact with you is via crappy anonymous messages, Iāve learned they are not worth your time, effort or mental energy. Interacting only brings more attention to them. Delete, block, move on. FuckĀ āem. If you want to talk to me, do it off anon. If Iāve upset you with my actions, tell me. Letās have a proper, adult conversation.Ā
Look for the Rainbow: Fandom spaces are communities which form around peoples passions. They are places of brilliant creativity but the things we love have a tendency to give rise to extreme emotional responses. Iāve veered from extreme highs to extreme lows and this year I have learned the importance of finding a balance that works. I think a relentlessly positive, non-critical approach can be just as stifling as a culture of intense negativity and constant division, but having said that when Iām having my storm cloudy moments Iām trying to focus on the rainbow. Wallowing in bad feeling tends to nurture and cultivate that sense of dissatisfaction until it becomes suffocating. Thereās a tremendous amount of good in fandom space. Good people, good ideas, tireless effort, incredible organisation, passion, creativity and vibrancy. Thereās a huge amount to feel positively about and whilst I would never advocate for a laissez faire, entirely non-critical approach, I also think everyone has their own capacity for critical thinking and the way those thoughts can permeate and shape our whole experience of fandom and - by extension - influence our creative abilities. Iāve learned to focus more on the things I get out of fandom that make me happy, to retain a critical eye on things as I always will given the nature of my research, but not to allow the critical to obscure the many positive things about fandom.Ā
Evaluating Self-Worth: Iāve really tried in the latter part of this year not to measure myself or my worth by external metrics of success. The kudos, the hits, the number of followers, the amount of positive interaction over anonymous messages, the posts Iām tagged in, the hype, the rec lists Iām on or not on, and so on. Comparing yourself to other people can lead to resentment and frustration or to an inflated sense of self-importance. It says a little something about how I started the year that I thought I want to grow my tumblr and write a really successful fic, and thought I would know if I had accomplished that by feedback and response. Iām actually quite embarrassed to admit that because I think it makes me look like a dick, and Iām super pleased with the support my fics get in any event, but I wanted to share it because I think itās important in terms of this lesson Iāve learned this year. I went from a place of being very focused on external measures of success to ending this year realising that my most successful stories have been the ones Iām proudest of and they are not the ones with the most hits or kudos. Those are the stories that I enjoyed creating the most, and the ones that left me feeling incredibly positive and proud at the end of this year, looking forward to the next year in fandom and planning projects that I already know wonāt be the most popular, but they are the ones Iām creatively excited about and inspired by, so those are the ones I should be focusing on. Despite its resistance to corporate structures, thereās something very capitalist about the way we can sometimes be lured into evaluating self-worth in fandom, and those structures are embedded within fandom itself. They wonāt go away, but focusing on them doesnāt half make me unhappy.Ā
Support Other Creators: Itās easy to let negative feelings overwhelm the way we interact with one another in fandom. One of the most important lessons Iāve learned this year is that you get back what you put in. Through supporting other creators you build friendships formed around shared creative passions and interests. You feel pride in your friends accomplishments. You improve your own work by reading widely, cheerleading, editing, beta reading, alpha reading, brit picking. Writing can be a lonely endeavour but it doesnāt have to be that way when youāre part of a community that uplifts others.Ā
Treat People With Kindness: Not everybody has the same levels of confidence or the same energy for rigorous debate. We all have days where we feel like we could crack into pieces, where we feel lonely, invisible, anxious, excluded, unhappy or fragile. Itās easy to be brave behind a computer screen, but ultimately people on the other end are going through stuff in the same way we all are. Iām making a concerted effort in 2019 to engage patiently and respectfully with opinions I disagree with and to be open to anyone who wants to chat or talk through things. I want to work on building new friendships (yeah, Iām going to slide into your DMs, like hiiiii :D) and maintaining old ones, ensuring I give back the same energy and support I get from friends so they know how appreciated they are. I started this year thinking Tumblr required a level of saltiness and a dgaf attitude thatās never been me, honestly. The lesson Iāve learned this year is to resist going along with the pile and to stop and think before engaging. For some people that might seem like an annoying attempt to sit on the fence and please everyone which is never going to happen, but to be honest I think itās all about finding what works for you in that regard. Iām here for the hot takes and the salt at times, but tbh itās pretty much just not me. Even when Iāve responded heatedly to an anonymous message that thoroughly deserved it, itās felt performative and weird and Iām just not going to do that anymore.Ā
If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you ever want to chat fandom thoughts then Iām always open to that and hope everyone has a very happy 2019!
