Rupert Grint as Charlie Cavendish Scott in every scene (200/??)

‘Ask Me Why’ by The Beatles, from Please Please Me

Released 1963

I'm loving purple and blue nail polishes this summer. Right now I have a nice purple on my fingers and a beautiful blue on my toes. In high school I used to polish my nails a few times a week usually. 

I always was overweight--in fact my older sister was the "pretty one" while I was the "smart one."  Can you guess why? Yep, she was skinny and petite and I was always chubby. But I always had pretty hands. For some reason, despite my chubbiness, my hands and fingers were slender and my nails were pretty. They have always grown fast and looked like they were semi-manicured even when they weren't. And most importantly, my "pretty" and slender sister was blessed with short stubby fingers and kind of oddly shaped nails. People frequently commented on my hands so I basically decided to focus on the one part of my body people thought was pretty. It's kind of very sad that for most of my life my hands were the only part of me that I thought could ever be considered pretty by others.

At some point in college I subconsciously decided that I shouldn't even take care of my nails. I had gained even more weight and in hindsight I now realize I was depressed. For a while I sporadically polished my nails (and toes in the summer of course), but by the time I entered the working world I pretty much gave up. I was at my highest weight and I couldn't believe that anything at all associated with me could ever be considered pretty. I also worked pretty hard to stay inconspicuous--that meant no fun, bright colors on my hands because the color might attract attention. I took it a step further and didn't even wear clear polish eventually.  It's funny that I never realized this until recently. I'll spare all the dark details.

But this post ends on a happy note. I recently started polishing my nails again. It seems like such a mundane change in one's life but for me it has meant pretty much everything. It's an outward expression of my more positive body image. I feel much more confident about my body although I still have a very long way to go before I can truly believe I'm beautiful (or honestly even pretty some days). And that's not a reference to any remaining weight I'd like to lose. I'm not sure what changed, but one day I decided to polish my nails again. My nail polish was so old that the color wasn't a pretty as it used to be so I started buying new colors. I get a little thrill of happiness every time I look at the pretty colors on my nails. And I don't care if people notice them or notice me. I deserve to feel pretty and I never want to neglect my appearance again. Let's face it, when I gave up on my nails I was really completely giving up on myself.

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