Phil isn’t clingy.

He literally finished a phone call with Dan ten minutes ago—the phone call lasted forty minutes. It’s 3:30 in the morning and he’s the only person awake in his family, he can’t sleep at all. It’s moments like this, when Phil is away from Dan, that he realizes how essential Dan has become to his life, even in the smallest things like sleeping. But he’s not clingy, of course, he misses Dan a lot, six years never being separated can cause you a lot, but he won’t be constantly calling him and making him feel bad about being separated. Phil is a grown man. He’ll have time to cuddle his boyfriend later, when they’re at home. In the meanwhile, Buffy Summers is there to join him, just to not miss Dan that much. See? He’s not clingy.

He is not clingy.

But if he’s not, then why is he seeing two versions of Dan standing up in his parents’ lounge door? The Buffy episode is frozen, but he doesn’t remember pressing the ‘Pause’ button. Both Dan are different—one is taller than the other, short hair and the typical old 2012-2013 Dan fashion: the black eclipse shirt with jeans. The shorter Dan, however, Phil realizes it is actual eighteen-year-old Dan, with the emo fringe in full force, plaid shirt and sweatpants. They stare at Phil, almost as surprised as he is.

He rubs his eyes, groaning—this is probably all a dream. A hallucination. Maybe he’s clingier than he thought, since he’s now hallucinating with seeing different versions of his boyfriend who he hasn’t seen in a day. No one speaks, and Phil is more convinced that this is all a hallucination. Maybe he needs to sleep.

He looks up to the two versions of Dan who keep staring at him, almost as if he’s not real, and Phil sighs. “Okay. Maybe I am clingy, but this is too much.” He says out loud, keeping his voice low, whispering is not his thing but he’s not going to wake up his family because he might be going insane with the lack of sleep. “First thing I’ll do is call Dan later. Then maybe I’ll stop hallucinating.” He stops. “My God, am I talking to myself? I’m literally turning into Dan, people were right.”

“The fuck?” Dan’s voice says, but it’s not Dan—as in his Dan. 2015 Dan. The Dan Howell he had just called minutes ago. Phil addresses the older (older than the eighteen-year-old Dan, at least) Dan, who’s frowning towards his direction. “You are the one hallucinating? Jesus Christ. I thought it was me.”

“I thought it was me,” eighteen-year-old Dan adds and Phil almost has a heart attack. His voice is so different, he’s so used to Dan’s warm and strong voice that hearing his voice breaking and higher makes him want to laugh and at the same time, hug the young boy. “Where are we?”

Phil realizes he’s talking to him. “My parents’ house.”

“That’s a lie, this is not your parents’ house—” eighteen-year-old Dan, or 2009 Dan to make it short, argues. “—your parents’ house is smaller. This is gigantic. You’re not Phil.”

“I am Phil.”

Older Dan is still frowning. “I don’t believe you. I mean, you look like him, but—you’re different.”

“Your hair is different.”

Older Dan nods at his younger counterpart, agreeing. Phil subconsciously lifts up a hand and runs it through his fringe—if these are Dan from 2009 and Dan from probably 2012, then his hair was way longer. “I wanted shaved sides. Do you even know what year this is?”

“2009?” “2012?” both Dan speak at the same time and it’s just too confusing for Phil.

He takes a deep breath. “Okay. You might want to sit down.”

They make their way to Phil’s sofa, sitting down next to him. They are looking at him strangely, like they can’t quite believe that’s Phil. Phil is pretty sure he’s looking at them like that, too.

“How old are you both?”

“Twenty-one,” Dan replies, and Phil’s mind realizes he wasn’t lying. He is from 2012. There’s sharpness in his voice with a strange bitterness, completely opposite to his Dan’s voice.

“Eighteen,” other Dan replies and Phil was right. He is from 2009. “What about you?”

“I’m twenty-eight,” Phil replies, and both Dan’s eyes widen.

“Jesus Christ,” 2009 Dan breathes. “You got prettier.”

He’s so shy; it’s hard to believe he’s the same confident man that he is now. 2012 Dan raises an eyebrow. “He literally looks the same, Dan, my God.” 2012 Dan scans him with his eyes and Phil swears there was a blush appearing on his cheeks. “Except your haircut. It looks good on you.”

“Thank you. Okay, since… I’m probably not hallucinating…” Phil stops, trying to put his thoughts and not say ‘What the actual fuck are you two.’ “What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know,” 2012 Dan replies. “I was editing a video in my room. And then I appeared here. This is… 2015?”

“It is.”

“I was actually helping you—I mean, Phil, you know, Phil from my time, um…”

“I get it,” Phil smiles at him and 2009 Dan gulps nervously. “The Christmas Interactive Adventure?”

“Yes!” His eyes light up with excitement. 2012 Dan rolls his eyes.

“Look, advice from your elder: don’t put up the “sex tape”. Or the video of you singing ‘Breaking Free’. Don’t do it.”

The same glint in Dan’s eyes disappears. “Why?”

Phil sighs. Of course, 2012. “It’s nothing, Dan, do what you want.”

“How can we be sure this is 2015?” 2012 Dan asks, skeptical. “This might be just a prank.”

I sure hope it is. Instead, Phil puts out his cellphone and 2009 Dan’s eyes widen even more. “That is your cellphone?”

“Oh?” Phil looks down. “Ah, yeah, iPhone 6. Great phone,” he says as if it’s nothing to not shock the younger Dan anymore. It doesn’t work. 2012 Dan’s eyes, however, they start to soften, like he actually understands what’s going on.

“Okay, you—” Phil points up to 2009 Dan. “The last album Muse released was ‘The Resistance’, am I right?”

“Yes.”

“And you,” he turns to 2012 Dan, “it was ‘The 2nd Law’.”

“Yep.”

He goes to Spotify, quickly tapping on Drones by Muse and selects the first song in the album, ‘Dead Inside’. Both Dan frown at the sound. “This is Muse’s new album, Drones. Released on June this year.”

2012 Dan is frowning. “Wow. They sound like shit.”

Phil sighs. Obviously, 2015 Dan has a different opinion on Drones, he likes the album and he recognizes it has some downsides, but he never called it shit by just hearing ‘Dead Inside’. “The internet was right. 2012 Dan was a hater,” Phil mutters and 2012 Dan frowns even more.

“What does that even mean?”

“It’s not that bad, but it’s not good either, I guess,” 2009 Dan suddenly comments.

The older Dan takes the phone out of Phil’s hands, and before he can protest, 2012 Dan exits Spotify and meets with the main screen. His eyes widen, recognizing the picture. “Is that… is that me?”

Phil looks at the photo he has as a home screen—it’s a quick selfie they took before going on stage for the first time. He remembers—my god, the tour feels like it happened ages ago—that they were about to shit themselves of the nervousness, but they were extremely happy. “Yes, that’s you.”

2009 Dan looks at the photo in amazement. “We’re still together?”

“Of course we are. I don’t think we’ll ever separate, if I’m being honest.”

2012 Dan’s eyes are filled with some hopefulness and he smiles for the first time. “It’s, uh, it’s a nice photo. Where are we?”

“I can’t tell you. Don’t wanna mess up the timeline. If I tell you I might end up becoming another person, maybe a cat caretaker and though it doesn’t sound bad I might die the first day.”

2009 and 2012 Dan chuckle.

“You truly are Phil, then,” 2012 Dan says, fondly. “He’s the only person who would come up with this.”

“That’s true—” 2009 Dan agrees but then shuts up. “Hey, don’t wanna interrupt the moment, but what the hell is this?” he puts the blobfish plushie from underneath him and holds it with a frown. “It’s hideous.”

“Hey!” Phil says, taking the blobfish out of his hands and bringing it closer to his chest. It’s comforting. Right now he needs his Dan’s support, but he thinks the blobfish could do for now. “This is a present from Dan. It’s not hideous.”

He takes a deep breath. “I’m guessing you have questions.”

“I do, actually,” 2012 Dan speaks up. “How do I get back to 2012?”

“Other questions?” Phil asks, slightly irritated. “You know what, let’s start with you, Dan,” he nods at 2009 Dan, who in turns lets out a small gasp and he’s looking up to Phil completely flustered.

“Um, how did…” He pauses. “How did my channel go? Did the YouTube thing work?”

Phil’s smile is so bright right now. Talking about Dan’s success is his favorite topic—he can go on and on for hours. “It worked perfectly. You have five million subscribers and counting.”

“What?!” both Dan gasp at the same time. “Five million subscribers?”

“That’s right,” Phil continues, grinning widely. “Everyone was very happy. There was a trending hashtag and all. #CongratsOn5MDanNowGetADog. Great one.”

“Why a dog?” 2012 Dan asks skeptically.

“It’s not your turn yet,” Phil reminds him. 2009 Dan is still wide-eyed. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah…” He breathes out. “It’s just. Five million. That’s so much. How much do you have? Ten million or something?”

“Three million, actually,” he claims proudly.

2009 Dan’s face falls. “Wait, what? Why do I have more? Are you mad?”

“No, no!” Phil rushes to clarify. “I am proud of you. I knew you were going to get far and it happened—I am so lucky to have witnessed how much you grew over the years to become the mature and confident man you are today.”

2009 Dan is kind of a mess—he’s extremely flustered, muttering out ‘thank you’ every five seconds but quickly regains his posture, and Phil realizes in that aspect he hasn’t changed that much.

“Um, are you still living in Manchester?” 2009 Dan finally asks after a few moments.

“No, we moved in to London in 2012.”

“We live together?” 2009 Dan asks.

Phil closes his eyes and sighs deeply. This was a fucking sitcom situation. He clutches the blobfish tighter and he can hear Dan—his Dan—encouraging him. He can handle this.

“Yes. We lived together in Manchester in 2011 until the first few months of 2012, then we both moved in to London to be with friends and work closely with Radio 1, because we are DJs there, and we’re still living there. We have thought about moving to Brighton too, just to be better friends with Felix and Marzia.”

“Who?” 2009 Dan asks. He doesn’t comment on the other things, maybe because he’s already too shocked to even keep asking. He can see 2012 Dan biting his own tongue to avoid asking things.

“PewDiePie and CutiePieMarzia?” Phil asks like if it’s obvious. Then he remembers—they weren’t around in 2009. He turns to 2012 Dan, “you know them, right?”

“Yes, he’s that Swedish guy who plays videogames and his girlfriend. What’s so special about them?”

“Um, well, PewDiePie is kind of the king of YouTube. Marzia is probably the queen.”

“What? What about Smosh?” 2012 Dan frowns.

“They’re in second, I think. Pewds has 40M subscribers.”

“JESUS FUCK,” Both Dans say in unison. “That’s so much!”

“It is,” Phil chuckles. “Any other questions?”

“I think I need a minute. Or thirty years to recover. I’m done for now.” 2009 Dan sighs, turning around and closing his eyes.

It’s 2012 Dan’s turn. He’s more cynical than his eighteen-year-old self and Phil would be kind of intimidated, but then again, this might not even be happening.

“What other things happened this year?”

“Where do I even begin,” Phil says. “Oh, you might like this, Pete Wentz prank called you.”

Suddenly 2009 Dan is fully awake. “The fuck?”

“You’re joking? Actual Pete Wentz?” 2012 Dan looks at him like he grew an extra head. “But Fall Out Boy is on hiatus.”

“Fall Out Boy is on hiatus?!”

“They were,” Phil corrects. “They have two new albums. We’re kind of friends with them, I think? We have interviewed them so many times.”

2009 and 2012 Dan exchanges the same excited look, like saying, Holy shit we did it. Younger Dan decides he needs another thirty years and turns around again, looking at Sarah Michelle Gellar’s face like she might have the answer to everything going in his mind. Older Dan looks at him, more curious than he was before.

“Look, we’re not gonna mess up the timeline. I need to know more. We’re… we’re okay? Like… we didn’t break up?”

Younger Dan seems to never catch a break, since he lifts his head up again, confused. He doesn’t comment on anything this time, just stares at Phil, hopefully.

“Well, as you can see, we didn’t break up.” Phil remembers how tense the situation back in 2012 was. He can see where he’s coming from. “We’re more than okay.”

“That’s… that’s a relief.” Older Dan smiles, like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. “Can I see how my channel is going?”

“Sure.”

He opens the YouTube app and types in 'danisnotonfire’, pressing on his channel. He sees how younger Dan makes himself comfortable sitting beside his older self and Phil hands them the phone.

They start scrolling. “Wow, there’s a lot of you,” Older Dan comments.

“And your point is…”

“I'm—you know, what do the fans th—we wrote a book?”

“When did we do this?” Younger Dan asks, even more confused than his older counterpart. Phil grins sheepishly.

“Oops. Forgot to tell you. Yeah, we wrote a book! Check out the trailer, Dan made it and it’s amazing.”

Both Dan look at the screen as Phil sees the trailer. There’s a muffled 'hey what’s Sherlock,’ and a quick 'shut up, not now Dan,’ coming from both of them while watching. The trailer ends and automatically loads the video where they talk about it.

“Didn’t see that coming did you?” 2015 Dan asks and Phil sighs, relieved. God, he’s such a sap—he’s with two versions of his boyfriend in different years and yet he feels more at home and safer listening to his present self. It’s gonna be a few more days before he goes back home and if the two Dans want to marathon his videos, he’s more than happy to do so.

Younger Dan’s eyes are shining as he watches his present self excitedly talk about the book and tour whereas Older Dan seems more skeptical.

“Okay Dan, stop, or everyone’s going to cry—including me!”

“I’m already crying,” 2009 Dan laughs but it comes out as a sob. “I’m sorry, it’s just—we’ve come so far. We look so happy. It’s… it’s great.”

Phil smiles at him. “I know. It’s great.”

“So we wrote a book, together, and went on tour together and… everyone is okay with this?” 2012 Dan pauses. “I mean, why?”

“Because we wanted to?” Phil replies with another question.

“But the fans—”

"They were more than happy with that.”

2012 Dan bites his lip, but nods nonetheless. “That’s great.”

They keep scrolling up through Dan’s channel and they stop in one video. “The Urge, a Dan and Phil fanfiction by Dan Howell,” 2012 Dan reads out. “What the fuck?”

“Oh, yeah, that was in our book! Watch it!”

Younger Dan presses the video, as Older Dan seems too shocked to continue his actions. Dan’s soothing voice starts narrating The Urge and Phil smiles, relaxing. He did miss Dan. Technically, he is with Dan, but—whatever. He understands.

As the story continues, younger Dan starts to chuckle at how dark the events are turning. Older Dan, in turn, looks horrified. He keeps repeating ’what the fuck’ and ’this is just plain porn’, causing him to chuckle a little. Dan has surely grown so much.

The video finishes and the first thing 2012 Dan says is, “What the fuck? Why? Why is that—why—how is that on the Internet?”

“I liked the story,” younger Dan comments.

“I’m glad you do,” Phil says. “And it’s on the Internet because we wanted it to be. We thought it was a good idea and we wouldn’t exclude the community like that.”

“But Phil, people—the fans surely think we are together now!” He looks so nervous that Phil is tempted to make him a cup of tea.

“And why is that bad?” younger Dan asks. “They didn’t tell anyone they’re dating.”

“You don’t understand—” 2012 Dan takes a deep breath. ”I don’t need people picking on me and Phil because of our relationship! I tried so hard to cover it up, changing stories and facts and…“

"Yeah, about the "We met through a mutual friend” story…“ Phil grabs the iPhone and searches up for the VidCon Panel of this year. He jumps straight to the Phil trash #1 part.

He hands the phone back to them and 2012 Dan presses play, raising his eyebrow.

”I used to harass him on Twitter so he would teach me how to make videos. Yeah. 'Cause back then no one had any followers so I was like, “I like Muse and you like Muse, let’s be friends!” The audience cheers and Dan smiles brightly. “And then the career happened. So stalk someone you really like and eventually you’ll get through. That’s the fact—I’m Phil trash number one and that’s my origin story.”

Dan is smiling widely at the audience, and then 2012 Dan hands the phone back. All he says is, “Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“What—what happened to me?” he asks and he sounds painfully close to tears. “What is people thinking of me? Phil, our relationship is private and…and…”

“Breathe,” Phil reminds him calmly.

He takes a deep breath. “It’s just—it’s not that I am embarrassed of being with you, I’m so scared of what people will say.” He buries his face on his hands. “I don’t want us to break apart because of what everyone else thinks—we’re so close to breaking up because of fucking YouTube and its fucking glitches, and I dealt with homophobes before back at school but I can’t deal with them if they come from the one place where I belong.” And then he’s crying. 2009 Dan looks hurt, like he wants to do something but he can’t.

Phil gets closer to him and wraps the younger boy in a hug, and it’s apparently what 2012 Dan needed, because he’s full on crying now. Phil’s shirt starts to get wet, but it doesn’t matter.

“Dan, I need you to listen to me, okay?” Phil starts with a soft voice. He needs to calm him down. “I know what you mean. Remember that Dan and I already went through 2012. I know what you’re feeling and it’s okay. But I need you to know one thing: people aren’t seeing you just because of your sexuality.”

“In fact,” Phil carries on, “they don’t even know your sexuality. People who watch you and me are in this because they genuinely like us. They’re not thinking about, “Oh my god, these two are gays, therefore I have to bully them,” they actually just want us to be happy. Right now, from where you are from, I know it’s tough. It’s hard and I know it, you know it and my past self knows too, but give it time. People mature. You will change, too, you’ll be wiser and more mature and we’ll both be happier. Just so you know we’re not out to anyone. We’re just acting normally in camera. And right now, this year has been the happiest we’ve ever been. Hang in there, Dan. And also, try talking to your Phil. It’ll be a great help, trust me.”

Dan takes a deep breath. “Thank you. I kind of… let it all out.” He separates himself and sniffs a bit. “My God, I ruined your shirt, sorry…”

“It’s fine. You’re okay now?”

“Yes, kind of. I’ll be okay.”

“That’s better.”

2009 Dan pats his older self’s back and Phil sighs. They don’t show sign of leaving yet, so he takes out his phone. “Do you want to watch more videos?”

They agree and it’s another roller coaster. There are parts that 2012 Dan can’t believe, where he’s just like “oh my god I just pretended to have an orgasm being a nacho in front of everyone oh my fucking god” and 2009 Dan is rejoicing. “No way, I’m taller than you! So much taller than you! Finally!”

Phil observes both Dan on the sofa who are about to cry over Dan meeting Fall Out Boy, who have their eyes widened while watching the Day in the Life in Japan, who whisper things to each other about Phil while watching other videos and he takes his time to think about Dan properly. He’s met two versions of his boyfriend today (has he though? Maybe this is a dream after all—) and it’s extraordinary.

Eighteen-year-old Dan is naïve. Mentally, Dan in 2009 wasn’t innocent at all; Phil should know that, but his questions were so naïve—asking how things went, and if they lived together—whereas 2012 was a whole other story. Questions well-thought, not fully trusting things, constantly worrying and being mildly annoyed the whole time. Dan has gone through so many phases but all of them were so necessary to become the man he is today.

And boy, Phil went through a lot of phases himself, but all these things just had one in common: no matter what phase Phil was on, and no matter what year, he was always in love with Dan Howell. Looking at those two in the sofa, laughing because they were in a movie, makes him realize that there wasn’t a moment since 2009 that he hasn’t felt like that. It’s gross and cheesy, but it’s the truth.

2009 Dan gets him out of his mind. “Hey, um. I’m calling.”

“What?”

He shows him the phone and it says Dan Howell is calling…

He almost throws himself on top of the younger Dan to grab the phone and answers it, putting it on speakers. “Hey,” Dan says, his voice low and soft. “Did I wake you up?”

“No,” Phil replies, feeling all giddy by just talking to him. He has missed his family a lot, yes, and he doesn’t regret coming up North, but damn he misses Dan as well. The two other Dan next to him start grinning at the conversation. “I can’t sleep.”

“Same. It’s 3:31 in the morning and I literally can’t sleep at all.”

3:31? Phil realizes the time is moving again. Buffy resumes her talk with Willow and now he does presses the button ‘Pause’ and they froze for real. The two Dan exchange looks with Phil, they are confused too. “Why can’t you sleep?”

“My bed is empty. I want to be with you.”

Phil sighs. “Me too. In the meantime, I’ve got my blobfish and Buffy on the TV.”

“Cheating on me with Buffy Summers again, I see how it is,” Dan chuckles. “Have you named your blobfish yet?”

“Not really. What do you think we should call him?”

“Susan 4.”

Phil laughs and with a strange realization he notices the clock changed to 3:32 again. He takes a look at 2009 and 2012 Dan, who are slowly fading away. They wave goodbye at Phil, but they’re still not fully gone. “Hey, Dan?”

“Hm?”

“I love you. I’m proud of everything we’ve achieved. You’ve grown so much and I couldn’t be happier to be with you. You are the best person in the world.”

He looks at both Dan while saying this and they grin widely, fading away completely.

On the other line, Dan chuckles lowly. “Phil, are you okay? You’re dying or something?”

“What?” Phil pretends to be offended. “Can’t I just tell my boyfriend I love him?”

“You can, but that was extremely cheesy, I’m gonna cry. It’s three in the morning and you’re not here to cuddle, I’m gonna punch you through the phone.” After Phil finishes laughing, Dan continues talking, quietly. “I love you as well. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome—”

Phil’s sentence gets interrupted when suddenly Martyn walks in the lounge. “Jesus, Phil,” he says. “It hasn’t even been a day and you’re already talking to each other.”

“Hi Martyn!” Dan calls through the phone and Phil is just so red right now.

“Hey Dan, it’s like we haven’t talked in forever,” he replies sarcastically. “Don’t stay up too late. You really can’t be away from each other, can you?”

Phil doesn’t reply, because it’s true, and instead talks to Dan until he falls asleep.

It’s January when Phil walks into his home and finds Dan cooking lunch, dressed in Phil’s hoodie and large black pants. Phil’s face breaks into a grin, and before Dan can say “Welcome home!” he’s already hugging him, kissing him to make up for the days they’ve been apart.

Dan is breathless when they break away. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. God, I never realize how much time we spend with each other until we are separated.”

“Same,” Dan laughs. “Were you talking to your blobfish pretending it was me?”

Kind of, Phil thinks. I was actually talking to your younger selves, wishing you were there.

Whatever that day was, Phil is kind of glad he lived it. He likes to think he actually helped those two Dan or at least guided them to the right path.

Instead, Phil answers, “Nah, I’m not that lame.”

“Sure.”

They laugh again, and if Phil focuses enough, he can swear he can see 2009 and 2012 Dan waving at him behind his Dan.