#2.29.16

it must be so sad to be friends with someone like me, who can’t shut the fuck up about her ex girlfriend and wallows around in self thrown pity parties all the time.

she’s hope. they’re both hope. when i lack it everywhere else, i find it them. and maybe that’s stupid. maybe that’s naive. maybe i’m setting myself up for failure. i don’t know what i’m doing, but it’s okay because i never know what i’m doing. all i know now is that they’re good for me and they’re good to me and today was an awful day and i’ve been exhausted and on the verge of losing it since i woke up because sometimes touring is just hard on me but all of that is distant now because i’ve got her on the other end of my phone screen and she’s reading and her glasses are a little too low on her nose and she’s my person. she’s my person.

she’s just my best friend. that’s all. i’m risking too much if she’s anything more than that.

self harm- Sui- I'm just ranting about why I self harm and stuff, I just need to get it out of my head I've been selfharming since I was around 9 years old? I didn't know what it was until I was 11 and I didn't have the same reasons as I do now as to why I did it,, okay so I guess te reason I self harm is because when I feel the way I do? I just feel,, invalid? like when I was younger whenever I felt sick (I would get rly bad stomach aches ALOT when I was 7-9) I would get an incredible amount of anxiety bc I felt rly rly bad about asking the teachers at school to take my temperature ? idk why?? but like I knew that a stomach ache wasn't enough to give me a fever so almost everytime I just started ,, crying,, because there was no physical proof of me hurting inside? like I missed a lot of school because of these stomach aches but there was a while when my mom stopped believing me and I just felt so bad about it,, I guess that's why I self harm? like I scratched for a long time because I wanted there to be physical evidence to prove that I was hurting emotionally? I remember always getting really scared when my scratches would fade so I did it more I wasn't glad when I was clean because that meant my only proof of hurting was leaving and maybe, just maybe I wasn't as sick as I thought I was? idk how to explain I,, t like now I cut (not often) but whenever my scars fade I just,,, feel terrible . I don't know how to explain it it's not just the scar factor tho,, there's also the in the moment? like when I feel that pain the only thing my mind is on is "what if"s like what if I bleed to death, what if someone catches me, my mind is basically on everything but sadness. I guess it's the fear factor? kshshshjsb ugh