I didn’t know that fear and it’s ugly cousin anger glued me to the bottle. I didn’t know it was the first drink that got me drunk, and I didn’t know that it set off an obsession which would keep me coming back to the bottom of a bottle every time. I didn’t know that I would never learn to drink right, because the abnormal drinker is the only one who ever feels they need to learn how to drink right. Most people do not have to question if they have a problem with drinking. Most people, a hangover or two, and they’re finished drinking for quite some time- like a year or two. Most people, they get a little tipsy and they walk away from the table with alcohol in their glass. Non-alcoholic people do not experience blackouts.
I experienced a few. I passed out on curbs mid-walk. I lost the ability to control my motor functions to such an extreme, that I was definitely dependent on other people. I woke from hangover after hangover and thought one of two things. One, I’ll never drink again, and then would go out later that night or the next night. Two, I have to figure out how to drink right. No matter what the thought, the result was the same. I was drunk, I was hungover, I was ashamed of myself and the cycle I got trapped in. My mother was worried out of her mind, my father was angry, and I didn’t give a shit. I was doing what every other college kid did, or so I thought. I didn’t know that abnormal drinkers are the only other ones who experienced life in quite the same way as I did.
But then, unexpectedly, I turned to Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn’t think I’d stay. I was surprised at 3 months to be sober, and even more shocked and grateful at 6 months of sobriety. I thought the program was a cult full of religious nuts who faked themselves into happiness. But I heard a woman speak whose story was different, but whose feelings were the same as mine. I knew by the way that she talked, carried herself, and interacted with others that she was truly at peace, and truly happy. I knew I could trust her and lean on her. And I did. I asked her to sponsor me. For a brief moment we parted ways as sponsor and sponsee, but came back together when I realized that she was the only one who could sponsor me at that particular moment of my sobriety. And to this day, I do not want another sponsor although I’m sure I could find another if I had to.
I am approaching my 4th birthday in the program (April 13th, 2013) and I am grateful beyond belief for what I have today. I am not rich, I do not have acclaim in the material world. But I have hope. I have faith. I have the knowledge that everything will be okay so long as I don’t pick up a drink or a drug. Because I know what my tools are and how to use them. The twelve steps worked with my sponsor who has a sponsor are my best set of tools.
The 1st step helps me accept whatever it is in my life which makes me feel powerless. The 2nd helps me evaluate what sanity looks like when I feel off-base. The 3rd helps me to put my Higher Power back in charge when self-will starts to run riot. The 4th and 5th steps help me walk through anger in a positive way- to find my part and move forward. The 6th and 7th help me look honestly and right-sized at my defects and assets, and turn them over to my Higher Power to do with them what It will. The 8th and 9th help me prepare to clean up my side of the street, go forward and make amends to those who wouldn’t be harmed by my doing so. The 10th and 11th help me stay on track by evaluating my day and seeing where I need to take corrective measures, as well as preparing for my day to set about in such a manner as my Higher Power would see as fit. The 12th enables me to give back to those who are still suffering, and to help me keep practicing the principles of the twelve steps.
I am so thankful for everything that I have, and I look forward to learning more as my sobriety time lengthens. I wonder what it’ll be like when I have 30 years! Will I walk around as forward and beautiful as the ladies I surround myself with who have that much time? I hope so! But for now, it’s best I stay in the moment, and enjoy it!! Living without the pain and agony of active alcoholism gives me the ability to smile, laugh, cry, live fully in the moment, and enjoy even the difficult times where I learn so many of my lessons from!
