#2.22.15

I haven’t written in forever, and Im not high, but i can’t stop thinking about Chance and also I have started taking Strattera so it couldn’t hurt to write. Right? ha. homophone jokes. so i feel like i have just been annoying Chance lately and it makes me really sad but i’m pretty sure that’s why im annoying him so its a vicious cycle. Ever since he started working nights at Jimmy Johns I feel like my time with him is really scarce because he works the nights that i would actually be able to hang out with him and the nights that he has off really suck for me and i wonder if he did that on purpose because hes tired of seeing me all the time. the first weekends that he worked really fucked me over and i was just a mess. i stayed up until 4 the first saturday because i couldnt sleep i just cried because i couldnt see him. I’m obviously way too super attached to him but hes the only thing that makes me happy anymore and its hard not to just latch on to him and never let go. he’s the only person that i ever want to see, and i never get to. and when i do he seems grumpy and preoccupied. he doesn’t talk to me that much anymore. and i feel like its all my fault because ive been really sad and stressed and worried and quiet and i know that bothers him. for a while he kept trying to cheer me up but he’s given up and it sucks. i know its not fair to ask him to keep trying when its so pointless but now that he’s quit its so much worse.

and i think part of it is the Strattera. I feel like it makes me super droopy and out of it. Its like i have no reactions and i actually have to think about everything before i can do something about it. I think its made my distractability way worse, i find myself staring into space a lot, and i have to re-read everything over and over until i actually grasp what it says because im just staring at the words without putting them together. I don’t like it. I feel dumber than ever. and all my emotions are flattened into nothing/meh. its really easy to cry tho. yay.

and i cant remember when it started - i think a couple months ago, so maybe when chance quit his job, or around there, and started worrying about money and his car and stuff even more than normal - but we hardly ever have sex anymore. and that makes me really sad too. i can’t figure out what i did there. he just gets in bed and cuddles with me for a really little bit and then rolls over and goes to sleep. and i just lay there and stare at the ceiling and wonder why he doesnt like me anymore until i finally pass out. at least now that im always drowsy its easier to fall asleep. but idk what to do. i figure its cuz hes tired and he doesnt wanna put the effort into doing it and a lot of the time he munched out hard core so i can see that it wouldnt cooperate with his tummy but i still wanna have sex. i just feel like its another sign that he’s tired of me. and he can’t be tired of me yet! i love him so much. i dont know how to show him any more - what else am i supposed to do? i wish i had someone to talk to about relationships but none of my friends have very good relationships. and i cant talk to my mom, its not like her relationship is super great and/or based on love. im just so sad! and the more i think about it the sadder i get! and i cant stop thinking about it! no matter what i do. i try to distract myself all the time and it never works. it takes me forever to do homework because this is what i think about instead of whatever im looking at. I think about it in class, at work, when im eating, when im walking, when im smoking. i hate it. i hate everything anymore. it feels like theres nothing to look forward to anymore. theres no end in sight. every fucking day i have to get up and go to work or do schoolwork or both. and then ill get a break from school so i can go to work every day and worry about how much money i have and then ill have to go back to school so i can stress about it for another 4 months and then i have to find a job that will be good enough for everyone else because apparently nothing i wanna do is good enough. and then ill just have to go to work every fucking day and worry about whether i have enough money. itll never end. and hardly anything makes me happy anymore so whats the point? ill just wake up to be miserable for yet another day.

great.