How it felt.
Who would have thought that dreams can come true. Sounds cliche, but yes it really does. Since the day we parted ways, all I want is for him to run after me... After he indirectly dumped me and chose to live his live free of me.
So this thing happened. Several months, I have been having weird dreams. As weird as Charles asking another chance, or even begging my time just so we can talk. I dont know what for, but its been weeks, months since I’m having these weird dreams. Then one day, I was told by my best friend that he came randomly visits him. It sounded so weird, why of all days or months, why now? Then I thought maybe because after he was quarantined, he wants to come clean and talk and explain whatever he wants to explain or just pay respect and visit him, like the old times..
Then story goes like this...
He surprisingly wants to talk to me. Come clean. Answer all my unanswered questions. Explain everything why things turned out the way it shouldn’t be.. I have be never in my life expected things to happen this way, tho I had this little hopes in me, but then when I knew he was already somehow settled his life with someone whom he needs to take responsibilities with, I told my self that very moment it was over then. Even the slightest chance to see him was gone. All hopes and little scenarios I created in my mind shattered. All gone in a snap. The thing is, I never wanted to destroy any relationship, I never had any intention to. The day I knew all of these, my world stopped. I literally skipped a bit, I was scared. Terrified. Can’t even explain how I feel, what to feel. Or even merely what to do. What’s next for me? For us. There were lots of questions this time rather than being left behind for more than a year without any clear answer after all the mixed signals he’s sending me. I was confused. For the first time in forever, I wanted to get out of this world. I shattered. Didn’t even know how to pick up myself again. It was hard. It was damn hard. :(
I was thinking a lot of things, why of all damn time, why now? Where I slowly recover, where I slowly see myself being free. Happy. Independent. Although I wanted to have my questions answered, but when I was offered to, it was where my world turned, where the questions were already answered without me asking for it. That moment I knew, I don’t need it anymore. It was luxurious that nobody can afford to give me when I needed it the most. I’ve overcome those days it wasnt given to me. I’ve surpassed all the pains, sleepless nights and depression. Why just now? Maybe its God’s way of telling me that everything happens for a reason and He allowed me to stand on my own from all the challenges and blessings he gave me. It was not easy to convert pain to blessing. Struggle to challenges. You have to have enough courage to get out of the bush. You have to have loop hole to survive.
Now I am slowly trying to figure out and prepare for that day where in I will be hearing all those reasons why it had to happen and just accept everything. Anyhow, it was in the past. I have to move on.
