Dec 10, 2019
was listening to From Broken Cross, Locusts by current 93 and an earwig crawled across my screen. nice.
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was listening to From Broken Cross, Locusts by current 93 and an earwig crawled across my screen. nice.
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Im missing everyone at this hour whats with me
I have always been alone. That’s what’s weird to me.
Night after night, I sit on the top bunk in some room with my back against a wall... 12:30 AM, 1:00 AM, 3:00 AM - I’m just sifting through time. No concern for tomorrow, lost or broken sense of identity.
My existence is supposed to be lonely, right?
A couple years ago, he played bass-heavy jazz music for me, louder than I would ever have dared. Fingering his small black gauges - well, he was significantly older than me, but I still felt a tremor in my spine at that soft look in his mocha eyes. He, who was a minuscule piece of my life, connected me to the music in a strange way. I felt focused, not lost. Grounded and clear, but not...strong.
Just alive.
That lesson, with practice, became habit. When she was throwing up in the cafeteria, I was outside, flexing and un-flexing my hands in my pockets with my earbuds cutting me off from the cruelty. I mean, for every test and examination, there was Chopin, K.Flay, the Beatles. Classics, nobodies. Man, Mikky Ekko somehow crawled into my head during the entire PSAT so that even my pencil scratches came with a chorus. I listen to anything that fills out my identity, putting down my current self into a series of rhythms, melodies, and lyrics.
...and yet I’m still alone.
That’s what’s weird. Your face is music, the only companion I have ever known. I know that metaphor has been well-used by poets, but they never consumed music - rely on music like a drug - the same way I do. Who else would know how my hands shake, fumbling to untie my earbuds in a panic, hiding in a bathroom stall to play just thirty seconds of Eric Bellinger or The Black Angels before I have a mental breakdown? The way I lie on the floor under a cold shower to Coeur De Pirate and Thievery Corporation is a secret to the public - because I need to be alone to crumple.
I’m too tired. You would never understand, even if I could slash open my soul and write these words with my blood. Your expressions have time to them, your movements have cadence, your voice is a sonata. Every time I go back home to my childhood piano, I sit there and stare at the friendly keys, trying to reassemble your existence into the music I hear when you look at me.
Is there a sound for companionship?
Your eyes flitting curiously across my face and the curve of your lips... Your beauty expands beyond my creative capabilities, and the intense steel, perception, and intrigue behind your sweet smile are percussions, low strings, or some sort of electric guitar - without any arrangement. How you care, how you suffer - you are noise, a symphony as powerful as Dvorak and as clear as your strange alternative rock.
I don’t know...
Maybe I’m wrong...
I think the sound of companionship may just be your laughter after all.
Baby, I need to find an outlet
I’m not like other people. I’m quite odd. I’m too forgiving. I’m too understanding. I’m quite childlike. Sometimes I think I like to play the martyr and adults still scare me. I forgive every offense. I replace every bad deed done to me with love and instant release. I am sickeningly relentless. I never give up. I stay and stay and stay and stay. I try to teach others how to love. I bruise my knuckles, scrape my knees, throw my head into the ocean for the sake of my biggest dream. I know it’s silly, but I want to find one person who I can love unconditionally. I want to be responsible for teaching them perfection. I desire to demonstrate to one simple human being that a selfless, patient and passionate lover exists for them. I want to show one person that a lover or friend without bias, resentment, betrayal, or hate has chosen them. I am burning to prove to someone that within me compassion reigns. It sounds impractical, but I want to be the best person I know and I don’t want anybody to take that title away from me. I want you to be completely certain that if you hurt me, I won’t hurt you back even if you murder my heart and sanity. I’m a masochistic lover. This is not necessarily textbook healthy, but I want to fight for you. I want to be the one to change your mind about humanity. Perhaps, I sound a little insane or narcissistic, but my idealism is the best part of me.”
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Dear Jollibee, you make me happy! 🐝 #jollibee #therealjollibee #legit #panglasangpilipino #pinoypride #happiness #happytummy #thankful #live #laugh #love#eat #nodiet #regularyumwithcheese #vsco #vscocam #vscogrid #vscoteam #onefourtythree #143am #reeses
I need to tell you something but you wouldn't even listen. I need you to understand something but you wouldn't even care anymore. We just wasted our friendship. And that's the sad part of everything that happened to us. If I knew something like this would happen, I should've ended it two or three days after. Thought i don't regret the times that we were still together. I'm just so fucking stupid. I lost my long time friend...best friend, who i thought would always be there for me whenever i needed him. Yes, we don't talk for months or even years but the fact that I can talk/message you whenever I want was just amazing? You know that feeling that I don't have to think twice before messaging you or talking to you...yeah that. But just look at us now...there's so much hatred in our hearts, anger, & almost every negative emotions that we can feel for one another. I get upset, even mad at you whenever I hear/read something that you did or something that you're about to do, or even just the small things that I really don't wanna see. And if you're gonna ask me why...i don't know the real answer. My friend told me that maybe I'm still concerned about you because there was a mutual relationship between us and I just agreed...but probably...most likely that's why. I still don't know. I told my friend that if you really don't want to have connection or whatsoever with me, then fine. Though it would hurt me...yes hurt me I would just accept it.
I changed my theme again
I have school tomorrow