#12.26.20

so i preface what im about to say by acknowledging that this whole pandemic has been hard for people in so many different ways and i am in no way.. taking pride in the fact that i have been struggling a lot during this time for attention’s sake, yeah? 

but i have friends that ive confided in about the things i struggle with a lot and yeah, some of the things i experience are unique to my life and not something my friends experience and all i really want is someone to listen or rant to and get it out and im good. 

but what ive been hearing and receiving a lot lately- i think the holiday season gets people telling one another how grateful they are- is how much i inspire them. this coming from some friends that ive confided in about my struggles and that.. feels wrong. yuck, i dont like that word. to inspire.. that is left for great amazing people that have done magnificent acts, not me who's struggling with certain things and just fucking take it and have made it this far. i just hate it.. i hate hate hate it. dont tell me i inspire you.. tell me youre grateful for me as a friend, or that you appreciate me, or even that you are hopelessly enamored with me, but dont say that i inspire you, that’s gross. all because ive confided in you about my troubles and “you dont know how i do it”, it isnt all that magnificent. ugh i just.. ive heard it too often lately and it leaves this yucky feeling and of course this comes as something sweet and heartfelt from the other, so for me to get serious and tell them it hits my imposter syndrome when they say that and i feel uncomfortable when they say that wont work. so i tell them gently that “oh no please dont say that what i do is really nothing to incite inspiration” or whatever, they take it as me being abashed and insist and go on to explain and BLEH! just makes it worse. 

Briana re-followed Brody again on IG

√(12 * 2 / 6) = 2 + 0

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√(12 - 2 - 6) = 2 + 0

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(1 + 2)! = 2 * 6 / (2 + 0)

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