#11032022

I think I have finally learned to free myself. I think it hurts in some ways. For it took you to free me and I still love you. I still yearn for you. I hate that you know. Because I feel like it tortures you. You gave me hope. And I couldn't lie. That hope was more than what it intended to be. I didn't want to let my heart wander and yet here I am. Writing about hoe free my heart feels from burdens of my past but I'm still caught up in the moment with now. I finally understand the need to be present. But I wouldn't have been able to without my own freedom of realizing that no matter how much control I seek in my life, it will change NOTHING. You can plan out every detail and do all the right things and still have it go in a direction you didn't want it to. And I realized enough was enough. I needed to free myself from the worries of the future and remove the weeds of the past. Because the past doesn't impact the future. The only thing that can is this moment. I finally believe and understand the meaning of everyday is a new day. Because it is. So much can happen only after one day. With all this in mind I am now working to chip away the stubborn weeds in the garden of my mind. Just because I am free that doesn't mean there isn't work to do. But my original roots are thriving and with some continuous weed killer and fertilizer, I can continue to see the hope and feel it. Part of me worries it's all going to come crashing down. Maybe it will but I believe in me. I believe in my reliance even if it's buried under rubble, flowers still find a way to grow.

I'm sad and I deserve a popsicle even tho it'd make me rly cold

something something my partner something something something