#10142016

like first i get that message from the boy that started it all. the one that made me learn that sometimes boys use you and pretend to be your friend when all they really want is to date you. which isn’t always the most wrong but the first time it happened it left me feeling used. and when it happened a year later at the hands of that same boy. it hurt more. and every few years afterwards when i’d let him back in and that same thing would happen. i would not want to date him and he’d just drop out of my life. that should have been the only time i let people into my brain that way. 

then last weekend happened. where i was so close to crossing a line that i should to stay on this side of. but i could have so easily crossed it. a version of me that existed a year ago would have crossed it. i guess i’ve grown a little. but still i’m sat here thinking about it. like what if. you know? i like attention. i miss attention. and if we are going to be weird, why can’t i have the attention anyways? i don’t know. but like is it one of those things where i’m scared of feeling used and disposable again. i don’t think this person is that way. but i can’t help it. i can’t help thinking this way. i think i would have thought that way no matter what because this is so ingrained in me at this point. but also. i got that text that reminded me of it all to such a huge level. you know. it had just been a strange day. and now i don’t know what’s going on. 

but then i get invited out to halloween this year with the people i’ve always done halloween with. but i don’t hang out with anymore. partially (mostly) because of what happened last halloween. last halloween changed me. it changed how i do everything. it’s the reason the version of me that existed last year that would have leap over lines that i should have doesn’t exist anymore. so i’m going to see these people i haven’t seen in months a year exactly after what happened that changed me so much. i don’t even know if i ever talked about what happened last year. but it’s one of the most significant moments in my life in the last 5 years. it changed how i look at everything. 

this week has been a lot. 

and i’m still not sleeping.