my heart rate feels high AF today. i'm not sure why.
i reached out to my insurance to find out what therapy coverage i have. turns out, i have a decent amount so that's cool.
i signed up to have a first consult next tuesday.
why am i going back?
i need to check in with myself.
working out is bringing me a greater awareness to my body and generally - that body feels terrified.
i know that there are things that have transpired in the last year that i have not processed through. the betrayals, the hurt, everything.
i feel that if i don't work through it now, i'll always be running away from something unknown. but i can't work through it alone, and it doesn't seem appropriate to do with anyone i know.
i pray that this consult goes well, but even if it doesn't i affirm that i will find a suitable and likable therapist this year. i will start counseling and work on my traumas.
i have to.
i need to learn to fight the feeling of always needing to be needed.
i don't always need the attention of someone romantically, but the truth is i always want it. and especially after lauren, i don't even know what's normal to want anymore. she was always everywhere, in the middle of everything.
i'm working to heal. to be kind with myself. to rest. to honor myself. but i need help untangling the mess that is going on in my head. i need help learning how to cope and move forward and feel lightness in my heart.
i know that i am love. i am always love. i am full of love completely and totally and even when i am angry, that is from a place of loving.
i love so much. i love so hard. i can't help it. i feel like love isn't better when kept to yourself, you have to give love, even when sometimes people don't deserve it.
that's how i've always felt.
i could be wrong though. because i get taken advantage of a lot. and it makes me want to not love. it makes me want to be cold and cruel and unaccommodating.
but in the end, i'm just me. i'm full of love. made of love. i love love and an abundance of love.
i am committed to learning to love myself as much as i love loving others. i am committed to loving myself even more.
i am working towards the best me i can be - that looks like inner peace, it looks like tranquility, the ability to feel happiness and be uninhibited.
it'll be a long road but i'm on my way. i pray for safety on my journey, though i know i will have to continue to learn lessons. i pray that i learn them with grace and that i am divinely protected.
with all the love in my tender heart,
a
