Emotional voyeurism
It bums me out that the time I got the most attention both online and irl was when I showed off my body in a femme way, bcs it’s what I thought ppl expected of me (take up 0 space, be lewd, don’t eat, always be presentable etc). Anyway. I’m just sick of it. It goes beyond presenting femme, like the idea of breasts and hips are fine on other ppl and attractive, but I’m literally. Disgusted, Revolted - by them on myself. I’d like someone to let me take up space but I keep feeling smothered!!! Where am I going with this. I’m not sure. I cry sometimes and I just want to be air. It’s all and none. Like if I could just scream loud enough to let myself out, I could shed my skin and mold into the air. Is a body too daunting? Am I seen as irresponsible? Ppl are mortified by the thought of having only one partner for the rest of their lives, but what about owning your own body??? Isn’t that even more daunting????????? God, sometimes I’m so sorry for what I’ve done and I want to come home to you like the lamb that I am. Other times I want to take your throne. No wonder there’s so many ups and downs. I can’t even decide if I can trust in you or not. Ah. I’ve exposed myself. It’s a little thrilling to show this side of me, its like emotional voyeurism. I wonder what you’re thinking about me now, if at all. Maybe that’s why diaries are so fun, you never know who will see it down the line. I’d like to write when I feel good sometime. I need to feel good soon. I need to come home, please please let me in.
