#09 angst

Riley and Tav have to share a bed because there's none left however Riley fights it and Tav doesn't understand why. Is it him?

He finds out later that night once he finally convinced Riley it would be okay. Riley was thrashing and hyperventilating stuck in a night terror. MacTavish tries to calm him down but it's not working. Tav eventually just wraps himself completely around Riley with his full strength and weight behind it.

Riley struggles but is unable to hurt him or throw him off. The whole time Tav Is whispering in his ear that it's just him it's okay everything is okay.

It takes what feels like years before Riley slowly stops fighting and begins to blink his eyes open. Mismatched blue and brown meat gray blue and for a moment Riley doesn't see MacTavish he just sees Roba. He screams and It breaks the Captain's heart. Tav doesn't know if he should let go or continue keeping his hold however he does continue speaking softly. Other are awake but kindly ignoring them.

Eventually Riley realizes he's not in danger and just goes boneless. Weak and worn out form the struggle.

The whole 141 are worried sick and carry him to medical where he is kept for a few days. He sleeps for about 2 hours before he wakes and promptly throws a bitch fit. Riley and Roach have to drag him back to his room and telling him in no uncertain terms he is to rest or they will make him.

They take turns making sure he doesn't pull a Houdini. While one runs out to do something or get food. MacTavish can't understand why they are so worried... He didn't matter that much.

MacTavish can only stare in shock at Price after they finally escaped the boneyard. All of his men were dead and Price didn't care asked him to just keep his head on the game.

Rage was an old friend of his but now it came back with a vengeance.

The punch was top form as it landed hard on Price's jaw. The old bastard stumbled backwards and vindication zipped through his system.

Price's eyes met his and finally there was a different emotion than indifference behind them.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT?!"

MacTavish didn't say anything just stormed over and grabbed the pathetic excuse of a Captain.

"YOU WANT ME TO JUST MOVE ON?! FORGET THAT I LOST THEM ALL?! FORGET THAT I LOST SIMON?!"

"Which one is that?" Price asks sounding genuinely lost.

No one could have stopped MacTavish form slamming the monster against the plane wall and pulling out his pistol putting it between his eyes.

"AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE FOR YOU THEY HAVE DONE FOR YOU! YOU CAN'T DO THE LEAST OF LEARNING THEIR FUCKING NAMES!"

Price for the first time MacTavish has ever witnessed is speechless.

"YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A SOLDIER I SHOULD KILL YOU NOW FOR NOT TELLING ME OR WARNING ANY OF US OF YOUR SUSPICIONS! DO YOU THINK I FORGOT WHAT YOU TOLD ME AT THE START OF THIS SHIT SHOW?!"

"You have to trust someone to be betrayed. I never did." MacTavish quotes back mockingly.

"AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE FOR YOU! YOU CAN'T DO THE DECENCY OF TRYING TO KEEP MY TEAM ALIVE?!"

Then in a whisper.

"Every single moment. And yet, if I did it all again I don't know how I could change it."

MacTavish felt like his world was crumbling around him as he sat in the bloodstained dirt of a previous battlefield.

Price was with Nikolai and Yuri searching for God knows what. He was supposed to be doing the same but he couldn't make himself. No all he could do is drown in the guilt of knowing everything that had gone wrong was his fault.

He hadn't listened to his team and Riley. He had ignored the warning signs from Price. He had been blinded to the truth from the start in the 22nd regiment.

He wondered If it would have went the same way if he had died instead. He wonders If it matters at all.

"Tell me the truth." An all to familiar voice asked.

MacTavish turned quickly and saw Riley...or well he saw the burnt corpse of him. He knew he was hallucinating, but what the fuck did that matter? Riley was dead as were the others It was just him now...him and Price...

"Do you regret it?" The charred corpse asked.

MacTavish felt sick. Did he? I was a stupid question of course he did. He regretted everything how could he not? He was a horrible Captain he had as good as betrayed them.

"Every single moment of it." He said honestly then swallowed hard. "And yet, If I did It All again I don't know how I could change it." He choked out.

He doesn't know if he did it again he could bring himself to do what was necessary. Was he strong enough? He didn't feel strong enough.

He can't stand up to Price even now. Even now that he had led them to their death. Even now that he had gone off the deep end even further than before. Price meant so much to him and yet he was the reason for it all.

But Riley does He sees the kind of man Price was. He's seen him in Vernon and he seen him in Roba and he knows that MacTavish will end up with a fate like him.

But MacTavish doesn't listen because Riley's young he doesn't know He didn't meet Price. MacTavish screams that he hates Riley.

And Riley's scared because well what says MacTavish won't betray him like everyone else. Riley thought he was different apparently not. Riley distances himself in MacTavish quickly realizes how much he hates it, how much he thrived on Riley's company.

But when Price comes back he completely forgets about Riley. (That's a lie he could never forget) Riley tries again to warn him and MacTavish almost hits him for it. Riley's scampers away.

Then the eye opening experience once he realizes after Riley's death that Price knew this was going to happen and didn't care.

Imagine Roach doesn't die

Roach hates him hates MacTavish because Riley told him Riley warned him and he didn't listen. And now his best friend is dead and it's all MacTavish's fault

Roach screamed at him about the night that Riley came to him crying shaking having a panic attack because MacTavish almost hit him. Cuz of all the flashbacks from Roba and his father.

And he knew MacTavish would because he'd slapped a recruit before

CW suicide:

Riley sat on the roof watching a burning world. Next to him was his closest friend and Captain. The world was imploding and there was nothing they can do. How could they fix it? They were just two guys in the face of what must have been the apocalypse.

Riley was tired he had been for a while he knew MacTavish was as well. But the stoic captain would never admit that.

Riley normally wouldn't either but this was not a normal situation.

Riley barely believe it even came out of his mouth when a thought he had been holding for so long finally snuck out.

"When is it okay to give up?"

MacTavish turns to him and blinks slowly processing his words and the layers behind it.

"I don't know." The response is the frailst thing he had ever heard from the man.

Riley inspected his pistol not for the first time and what could quite possibly be the last.

"Is it a mercy to die or is this some kind of divine punishment?" Riley asked the gun Even if it was directed at MacTavish.