Stuck.
From July 2011 until about October 2012, I don't remember anything. All I remember is being in love. & treating her like my worst enemy. I know we're not supposed to question God but, still I find myself asking why. Why did everything unfold tha way that it did? See, I met her here & from day one I was attached. Fell in love quickly, never fell out. We had a bond that I thought was unbreakable. Built a friendship & a love I thought would last an eternity. But, nothing ever goes as dreamt. After tha death, I lost myself. I hurt anyone that came in my path. But I promise to God I never meant to hurt her. It's just, I really wasn't myself. I tried so hard to break free from tha depression & tha darkness. Tried so hard to grasp onto her love, hoping it would save me. & often times it did. But I couldn't shake tha hatred that I carried for life, & myself. After she left, I blamed my nanny. I felt like if she hasn't died, I could've loved her tha way I deeply wanted to. I could've given her tha world tha way I promised. But I was an empty shell. I was broken. I was lost. I couldn't maintain tha relationship tha way I had always wished. At first, I thought she understood. But there's only so much understanding you can muster from tha one who constantly hurts you. & I hurt her. I promise to God I didn't mean to. I tried to explain how fucked up I was after tha death. But I guess she thought I was feeding her excuses. Truth is, I still find myself crying when I miss her. Smiling when I think of her. Angry when Audrey asks about her. Hurt when my niece wants pictures of her. I saw myself building a life with her. We were so close. I'll never have that with anyone else ever again. I don't think I'll ever express how much I truly love her. I'll continue to pretend as if I'm happy for her. Pretend, as if I don't want to curl inside myself and die as I watch her call someone else fiancée after I proposed to her. Truth is, this pain'll never fade. I'll always feel like I need her. Always beat myself up for grieving tha death instead of loving her. If only she knew how much I really fucking love her. That time isn't healing this wound. I still feel like I'm going crazy without her California scent lingering in all my clothes. From a distance, I'll pray for her & continue to love her. I'll continue to miss her, & hate myself...silently.
