#08272019

DC Batman 2-Quart Slow Cooker

Alfred must keep this one in the Batcave 😂

08.27.2019

There seems to be a lot going wrong right now. Sometimes I actually look forward to the disappointment versus the joy that I know life can bring. Joy is subversive however, hard to come by and can leave you feeling worse off in the long run.

I’d say the biggest worst-thing about my life right now is dealing with the fact that I am gay. I have been this way for the longest time. I knew about age 16, but only come out to myself and others starting in February 2019. I was married to a woman at one point in time, for a period of a few years. We divorced in 2010 due to the fact that I was gay; I just couldn’t pretend anymore. She sought the company of another person and weirdly enough, I was hurt by that but have come to realize that I could not blame her for getting what she needed. It was all on me and I accept that one hundred percent. I had no right to be upset with her for going and doing what she needed to do, but I never saw it that way until I put myself in her shoes and felt her pain. I will forever feel horrible about how things happened. This is my biggest regret so far in life.

Being gay has most certainly caused me more heartache and headache than I care to live through; but it is how I am at my core. It is an unchangeable thing about me. I’ve tried to run from it. I tried to pray it away. I’ve lost friends over it. I’ve been kicked out of church over it. I’ve hurt my family. What a great person I am… but I need to somehow find the strength to hold my head up high and live what is really the only truth about me.

I’ve only ever kissed two men in my life. I’ve never actually dated a man. I’ve only had one relationship in my life and that was with a woman. I have no experience in “gay land” or relationships in general because the only one I’ve ever been in was a farce and totally dysfunctional- I don’t know how to do it. I make mistakes. I need to be patient with myself, kick myself into lower gear and just trust the process.

I do want love though. It escapes me. I crave intimate closeness with another person; it almost drives me to the point of madness and desperation. Do not mistake that for sex- for that is the furthest thing on my mind at this point.

I get very wrapped up in people very quickly- it is a major character flaw about me and I’m trying to work on that but that is something that cannot be changed overnight. I have been so alone in my life that when someone pays the slightest bit of attention to me then I am hooked.

At no point ever in my life have I felt so unloved and so damaged. I’m hurting people in this process of coming out and living my life as a 34-year-old gay man, in conservative Ohio farmland trying to pretend to be something that I’m not. I’m hurting myself, too. What a vicious cycle to endure.