#06242020

The uncertainty of what lies ahead, at times, paralyzes me. When the fear of not knowing what’s waiting for me in the future eats me whole, my whole world gradually goes on snail pace and everything inside me feels heavy. And when that happens, I’d stop caring about everything that I care for so much — my work, daily routine, people, and me.

It’s the similar feeling like when in my dream, I am running really fast and then my body slowly becomes heavy and the ground turns downy. My sprint becomes a slow motion run, like the guys who landed on the moon. And then I’d forget why I’m escaping from whatever that’s running after me and just give up. I’d stop moving and wait for that something that’s chasing after me proceed to execute its plan.

I woke up today feeling extra blue. The first thought that came in to my mind when I opened my eyes was, “Oh, I didn’t die in my sleep. What a bummer.” I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep the day away. Or, maybe, Idk.... die right there and then?

I haven’t been putting much effort on everything that I do lately. In my work or in my personal life, everything I do lately are half-assed.

I find it weird and uncomfortable whenever I sleep on a bed without at least a layer of bed cover. But because I stopped caring about that, I’ve been slumbering on my sofa bed without proper bed sheets (see photos) like... girl, who are you???

I didn’t care if the sun’s already out and I’m still in my bed, pondering about the meaning of life or “should I take a shower now or later?”

I asked God for anything that’s gonna motivate me to grab my towel and take a shower so I could begin with my supposedly 4AM routine. (It was already past 6AM when I took those photos, by the way.)