#051020

Cũng chẳng biết tôi đang cố chờ đợi điều gì, chỉ biết là bản thân mình cam tâm tình nguyện.

I didn’t have the energy to type this down any sooner, but here it is after all.

Sleep

We talked about my trouble with sleeping lately and what to do about it. Bc apparently “sleep is the start of everything”. I told her what i already tried, which is a lot… She gave me a checklist that i could try. I mean, i could. But besides not being able to sleep, i also don’t want to. And that’s where the checklist doesn’t work anymore.

She did try to give me a new look at things. I see sleeping as losing control now and danger of new events. She tried to let me see it as a way out of the fight inside of my head for a while. I mean, unless i dream about it obv.. But i don’t dream évery night, and i guess that the dreams are less bad than my head during the day. So, yeah, that was her reasoning. I just don’t want to. I changed the subject pretty abruptly..

Taking care of myself

She also noticed that i’m struggling with food lately. Bc it’s just been an ideal situation to eat less, being home alone and stuff… And the feelings from my internship are coming up again. She asked me if it’s something good or not, that i eat less again. Which i don’t know? It’s double. But that’s probably the difference between knowing and feeling.

She was glad that i asked to chat with her when i struggle like that with myself. It’s a sign of taking care of myself. It’s weird to read that, i’m not used to taking care of myself and i think that i shouldn’t. Which i told her. And i swear, she knows me way too good by now.

Me: i don’t have to take care of myself, i shouldn’t take care of myself, nobody should take care of me, don’t accept any help. But in the mean time i do want someone to take care of me, and i do want to get help? Hey double side, again.

To: when was the last time someone took care of you?

Me: i don’t know, that’s been a long time ago according to me.

To: yes, and that’s why i can imagine you want someone to take care of you, but that it’s also scary. And bc of what you’ve been through, you started to feel like you’re not worth it to be taken care of. That’s your feeling. Reality is that you may be taken care of. Everyone deserves care and attention.

I didn’t expect that answer but it was good that she was so to the point. I did struggle some more, like being an exception and stuff and that i never fit anywhere so i just don’t fit that image. She started to reverse the questions to me. Like when does anyone not deserve any care? Why don’t i? She was messing with my head, i can’t even begin to explain.

She said that it’s like little earthquakes. The more and sooner they come, the more i can change my earth. She’s not doing it bc it’s nice for me (i was beyond confused at that point, i couldn’t even type anymore), but bc she knows it’s gonna help me.

I don’t believe that i can think any different than i do now, so i asked her opinion. She’s sure about it, apparently. Bc i didn’t think like that when i was a baby or young child. “It changed once, i’m sure it can change again”.

Eating program

I told her, in a rush before i could change my mind again, that i want to continue with the eating program again. Bc i know that i’m slipping right now… She reminded me multiple times that it’s ok if i can’t make it work. Bc i’m just dealing with a lotttt right now and she doesn’t get how i still do it. She thinks i’m “really strong”, which i’m not. Trust me. I’m just not. I’m glad she supports me tho. She gave some tips to motivate myself again, like re-reading the letters. I wrote letters to my ed a while ago (part of the program). One as a friend, one as an enemy. It helps with the motivation. Bc starting the program back up, means losing the focus from losing weight and focus on eating healthy and regularly. ….. I know 😢… Trust me, i know 😔.

The program is with different chapters. I was in chapter 2, but she thinks that chapter 4 (researching thoughts) would be good for now. But that means opening all the chapters until that one. Which she did. I can choose to check them or not. Which i started doing… The first ‘unlocked’ thing was eating more. And that’s where i ed-me freaked out and where the discussion started… Ed went in overdriveeee. Panick. Fear. Anger. Upset. Everything. I believe that i mentioned something about this monday evening…

There was this list of food in the description that women between 14 and 18 years old should eat. For starters, i’m 21, so i’m older than that. So i think that i would have to eat even more??? And secondly, that’s even more than the double of what i eat now.. I just completely lost it. I just typed like the gif below lol. So i texted her… Tried to keep it somehow civilized. My thoughts were even more attacking.

Me: is this serious??

To: yes, that is serious

Me: nobody eats that much?

To: some people even eat more

Me: i think i already eat a lot

To: feeling=a lot, fact=not much

Me: do you really think that? That i don’t eat much?

To: lately you barely eat 2 times a day. That is not much (and yes i think that, it’s ok if you think something else). It’s not healthy to eat a bit twice a day. You eat too little.

Remember i asked the question on here? Yeah, that’s why. I doubted her answer and tried to convince her otherwise, but she just didn’t give in. What did i expect… You can’t negotiate with a therapist to continue eating like this or to eat less… I do need that honesty. Bc i still don’t believe that i eat too little. I just need the ‘hard truth’ as they say, to motivate me to eat more. I’ll just never do so otherwise.

Ti

I told To that i told Ti about the program. She was glad that i did. She asked how it was like for me to go there. I just said it’s weird, which she thinks is a fitting description. It’s good that it doesn’t feel bad, bc i need that. “I know that you have to be very vulnerable over there, but it’s really strong that you do and can do that!”.

Happy Mother’s Day