My mind is a fucking mess. I keep typing out sentences and erasing them because I’m trying to be much more thoughtful in how I react to things than I ever have before.       I have been so good lately, probably better than I’ve ever been. Since Matt and I have broken up I’ve found that I actually really enjoy being alone. Don’t get me wrong - I don’t mean being alone like tied up in my room alone, I mean not in a relationship alone.       I have had time to access the situation, or whatever relationship we had, rather. A lot of things went wrong and I take blame for about 98% of those things, but what’s really been bothering me is his whole perfectionist mentality.      Matt tried so hard to convince me that he was honest and would never do anything to hurt me, and that he cared and would never this, that and the other. Well look at his relationship now. Although we broke up in December, we had remained friendly and even flirty until around February (?) and weeks later he’s dating a girl he met from a Facebook group in which people exchange nude photos.       To be fair, I was also in that Facebook group. But I could never imagine dating a stranger from a different state whom I met on the Internet. But it’s not my life and it’s not my problem. He’s no longer my problem.       I don’t mean problem in a mean way. I mean it in a thank you for not manipulating me mentally anymore kind of way. Matt truly had me convinced that I would never find anyone better than him -  that he was as good as it gets; and thankfully, I know now that that just isn’t true.      There will be someone else who loves me and adores me and someone, who finally, I will love with 100% of my being. No part of me is interested in being in a relationship right now. I’m not looking and I’m not hoping - I’m just really content.       Another thing that I’ve learned from our break-up is how pathetic it looks to hop from one relationship to another. Granted, that’s what I’ve been doing since high school. I’m not sure if I was afraid to be on my own, if I’m just a relationship person, or if being with someone else made me feel like I had a purpose - but regardless of what it was, Matt is the first person I’ve ever dated who has hopped into a new relationship a few weeks after we stopped talking.       The two of us have spoken about how we like to be in relationships and how he doesn’t think being a relationship person is a bad thing, and who knows, maybe it’s not, but these entire two years have been extremely eye opening for me. 

     I read something once that you only have three loves in your lifetime. 1. “Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairytales we read as children.” 2. “The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation...With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.” 3. “And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are...It’s the love that just feels right.”