#042815

Running my heart out. April 28, 2015

#042815

I'm afraid that I might be crazy or manically depressed. My highs are so beautiful and full of this dark beauty that I can't even describe. My heart flutters at words that hold no intimate meaning, I feel like I'm inebriated. Its surreal, its something I hold on to with greed, its a breeze in the summer to me. Its what keeps me from wanting to leave when I experience those unbearably hot and bright lows. Those lows though, they take so much out of me. They make me so far from the real me, I hate everyone, I'm irritated by everything, I'm tired and my feelings are easily hurt. Keeping up a conversation is like ripping off nails or peeling my lips from my face. The lows, they scare me, they terrify me at how quick they come and how they always overstay their welcome. The lows, the lows that happen so suddenly after a euphoric high... I just wish things weren't this way. I wish I was better at controlling my emotions, but I'm not. I doubt I'll ever be. I'm not destined to be uncannily happy, people like me never are. However, I won't stop trying to obtain that sweet cold joy... I know no limits. I want a lackadaisical love, a love that I can't shut up about, a love that is real and secure. I'm already in deep like with someone, he doesn't know or maybe he does. Maybe he's just my mind's distraction telling me he's what I need because despite inner battles I'm too afraid to go after what I want. I do like him a lot, enough to want to kiss him. Enough that he's replacing two of the other males in my life... But I'm selfish, I don't want anyone to have the other two... Ever. They're mine until they decide to be someone else's. I love my mother, and she's happy in this beautiful childlike sense. My siblings, my dear siblings, sometimes I wonder if I'd be who I was if they were more like me or I more like them... I love them so much. I love my best friend, even when she irritates me, even when I feel like there are times she'll never understand, even when I feel like we're not connecting... I love her. I love myself, its hard to sometimes, because some days I can find endless flaws that I can't get over, some days I can't stop the bad thoughts, some days I can't keep it together... But I love myself. I love myself. I love myself.

Lashton, is that you?....... I think so.