being an older sister, to me, always meant that i would never be alone in this world
i would never be friendless
never be without family
i’d never be alone
no matter how angry we got at each other
the hurtful shit we said to each other
cursed, screamed, hit, swear we’d never speak again
none of that was or would be serious
we’d always have one another
we’d always be together
one without the other was not an option
neither one of us would be alone
we’d have each other’s back no matter what
we’d defend each other from the people who didn’t know us like we know us
we’d take care of each other when we were sick or hurt
and we did, always, no matter how mad we were at each other
we never hated each other, even if we screamed it at the top of our lungs
we loved each other despite how much we got on each other’s nerves
no matter how much we hated the things we each did
i love her and she loved me
we were each other’s first best friends
we had our own secret language
a secret handshake
stupid inside jokes
could look at each other and know what the other was thinking
now that my little sister is gone, i am alone
im going to get older by myself
i have to keep going by myself
no one there who has my back or defend me
i have no one to look after and protect
no one to be mad at or laugh with
there’s no more outside noise, her obnoxious laugh is a memory now
my life is now silent, empty, and lonely
ill forever have a part of me missing and everyday i will notice it and feel it and hate it
im so selfish and angry that i have to face life fully alone
