#04102023

i am not a bad person for wanting. i am not a bad person for not having learned how to accept myself and someone else and the differences between. i can be sorry all i want. i can be sorry for not loving you the way you deserve all i want. you would look at me and say 'it is okay, i did not look for love' and take the guilt. you tried to tell me that i am not failing in front of you. i did fail myself. i wanted to be so much better. i wanted to be so much better than i am. i could never hate you. i know you could never hate me. i was not wrong when i saw myself in your eyes. we both looked at each other knowing we want to be so much better than we are, i just could not let go. i could not accept that we are not, in fact, anywhere near the people i would want us to be and that maybe, maybe, it is your choice to not want to try right now. how am i going to be good without you? how am i ever going to be good without you teaching me how? you would probably say that i already am, that i know exactly how. if we could still talk, if we could bridge that distance, which we cannot, you would say that i already am good. and if we loved ourselves more, not just a little, but a whole lot, i could say that to you too. the choice you make is valid, no matter how much it hurts me. i am endlessly hurt and love you still. and i know you know how that feels. it is just not me you love. not as much as i love you. i understand your loss. you understand my pain. in the end i will have to let you go still. there is no saviour except for me. i wanted to be so much better. and now i can be.

I'm rly rly rly rly rly rly in love w my partner