#020414

Ashton posted on Twitter — Feb. 4th, 2014

5SOS DMed a selfie to a fan — Feb. 4th, 2014

5SOS with a fan — Feb. 4th, 2014

5SOS posted on IG — Feb. 4th, 2014

5SOS posted on Twitter — Feb. 4th, 2014

triple x is sex? right right right. I’ve come to realize that my brain is a scattered mess. Each passing day, my articulation gets worse and worse and it’s literally almost like I’m dyslexic when I talk, literally. It used to be just rare moments where I have dyslexic slips but now it’s almost every time I speak. I don’t know what’s going on in this brain of mine. I can still think straight when it comes to just typing something out or writing something out however sometimes even then I’d get stuck just thinking of a simple word. I think it’s either because my mind is being idle or there’s truly something wrong with the wiring of my brain, which I don’t think is the case since I’m still sane, that I know of anyway. I have to re-energize my brain, there is no way I can be a successful person with this kind of impediment of the mind. Well I just have to quit being such a procrastinator, I’m not in high school anymore but it’s like my body is still biologically made up to be a high schooler, if that’s even possible but whatever. I know I’m better than this. I know I can be who I imagine myself to be. Sometimes I do just have to let go and stop being so cautious. Well not just completely stop being cautious but at least I don’t know. I have to take control, this is my life I’m talking about. I need to live like how I want. I’ve been thinking about what I want to do after community college and I really want to go out of state. I mean it’s going to be really difficult but I feel like even just having it as a fake goal will help me grow up and be more responsible because it actuality I can still act leisurely if I wanted to and trust me, I do whenever I have the chance. I feel like I need to be a little further away from family just because.. I don’t know, even if I’m in Sacramento I still feel like they’re hovering and I don’t like that feeling. And it’s making me want to push them away which I’ll probably regret later on. It’s just that they constantly remind me of how I’m setting myself up for failure. The pressure is too much and I know they care for me deep down, but I can’t continue strongly if I always have their words dragging me down. Even with my brother who I know hopes for the best of me drags me down and in all honesty I just need my space. I need my own space to breathe and think and my own space to fill with positivity, because really, why on earth would I bring myself down. It’s like everyone puts pressure on me and it’s a miasma that I can’t escape and that constantly grows. I hate it and I want to get away from it that way I can find myself, fix myself, and then return and be a better me which I know is the best solution I have for my life right now. So really, I just have to do amazing this semester and next and I can breathe clearer.

I’m currently sitting in a building at school, it’s kind of awkward just typing on tumblr lol what the fuck am I doing. Anyway I seemed to have so much trouble last month accommodating the new year, I was supposed to start this year out with a bang and continue forth but it felt like I just stayed in the same spot, took two steps back even. I’m slowly beginning to rise my morale once again though so things seem to be looking up for me which is great. I still feel like there’s something missing in my life or I’m just being a little hard-headed like always. But my communications class has me thinking, I swear my professor is secretly trying to be a public speaking therapist. But she showed us this video about shame, fear, worthiness and vulnerability. Basically the speaker in the video talks about how it’s that vulnerability that’s the biggest part in worthiness. It’s that vulnerability that allows people to either be outgoing and loving and caring or be closed off to the world. And I have yet to let that go and just put my trust in people and allow myself to be hurt. I don’t know I can’t think well, there’s too much noise around me. I have to get to class soon, astronomy here I come.