#...incest?

“It’s called cicular reasoning,” Rose says. She’s always drunk, these days, you think, meta-lly.

“When I am an ungodly bird-sprite-creature,” you say, even though she is the one with precognition, I will kill every single last horrorterror with my bare prehensile-tail.”

“Kinky,” she says.

“youre impossible like this,” you say, making sure to sound as lowercase and puntiuation-free as possible while you’re meta-ing. shit that was a hyphen goddamn it

and an aposhtrophe what is wrong with you

“Stop metaing so loud,” Rose says. “Are you going to level-grind with me or not?”

“thats a crime in most states” you say

“Everyone is dead.” Rose says, emphasising her pronunciation of the period. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“it matters when weird genetic shit is happening” you say

“Dude.” she says. “Don’t.” She is trying to commune with some octopi, here, she implies. you dont care you imply back

“Will you at least punctuate when you narrate,” she asks.”

no

“Fine,” she sighs, “if you’re going to be that way, then just get this tired Freudian exercise over with, I am just going through the motions, at this point.”

that’s just because shes only interested in alien lesbians which is totally not fair

“Dude,” Rose says, “get over yourself. Enjoy your non-bird-ness while you still can, if it is not too meta to say that.”

it is never too meta to do anything

“Even your sister?”

“Oh my god, Rose, don’t be gross.”

“I knew I could get you to punctuate if I tried,” she declares.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, yuk it up,” you say. She raises her eyebrows at you in a decidedly genetically inadvisable manner. You roll your eyes behind your shades that are not orange. Yet. Fuck meta.

You don’t really want to be a bird, but you don’t really want to make out with your sister in front of a bunch of doomed horrorterrors, either. And you really hate that there isn’t any other option.

“Caw caw mother fuckers,” you say, prematurely.

“Everything about you is premature,” Rose says. “I’m your sister, not your mother. Grow some fucking stamina, Dave.“

“Dude, don’t,” you say.

“Oh, get over yourself,” Rose says. “go stop everyone from dying, or whatever. I’ll just disappear into some other Rose’s tortured subconscious, only to pop up at inopportune moment of doomed timeline within doomed timelines that John is just going to retcon anyway.”

“Now who’s being too meta?” you ask, “I never asked to be a bird.“

“No one caaares,” Rose says, petulantly. She flitters her fingers at you, like she wants to preen your ruffled feathers that don’t exist yet.

Damn it, this is still too meta.

“I can’t take it anymore,” you say. “just give me some obligatory tongue and let me be on my way”

“You got it, hot stuff,” Doomed Rose says.

Months - and years, stretching out like a Star Wars Opening Title, and just as boring and frustrating, you just want to get to the act six movie already, where the fuck is the plot, Hussie riddle me that - later, you are in actuality, a bird.

“I like birds,” Jade says, earnestly. “I’ve always liked birds.”

Tell it to the fucking judge. You are determined to be depressed about everything you can, which now also includes the fact that you’re a bird.

“I ade out with Rose once in a doomed timeline,” you say, hoping it will finally drive Jade away from you.

“kinky,” Jade says. “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

no shes my sister not my mother were you even listening?

“Psh,” Jade says. “I really don’t give a shit.”

“Really?” you ask, forgetting that you were supposed to ignore punctuation - or capitalization, for that matter - in a lady’s presence.

“I would make out with Doomed Rose too, if i got the chance,” Jade says.

fair enough you shrug

“that’s what i’m talking about,” jade says. “less punctuation, more shut-upping.”

why dont you just make out with doomed rose yourself

“dude you are missing the point,” Alpha Jade insists. “you are a dave, and i will make out with every goddamned dave i can, being a bird will not excuse you (as long as you consent of course, that is very important to me)“

you are such a gentleman jade