#-addie

Hi darling,

I am so sorry for your loss sweetheart. Nine months is such a short time, especially when there's so many dates coming up that will be 'first time without'. And even more when they would normally include you two looking forward to it together and doing things together. Does it help you to think that she's not really gone? Because she isn't darling. She's still somewhere, watching over you. Seeing you get excited for christmas and your birthday, seeing you prepare for your formal. She's proud of you darling, she really is. She understands that everything is really hard for you right now and she's absolutely not judging you for that. She's proud of you for every step you take, even if it's only a small one. Small steps are hard to take as well. She's proud of you, she's watching you and she will always be there for you.

Grief is a weird process. It's different for everyone and everyone deals with it on their own way. That's why it's hard for me to give you a specific advice on what to do. What helped me could not be helping you and the other way around. But I'm gonna tell you what helped me / is helping me anyway so that hopefully you get some ideas.

Writing letters to her. It helped me because it made me feel like it would be more than just me thinking those thoughts. I felt like she would be able to read those letters, while I wasn't sure if she could hear my thoughts. At the same time it helped me to let my thoughts out.

Having a picture of her in my room. This can be really confronting and it definitely doesn't work for everyone. But I felt the need to have her around and a picture filled that need a bit.

Listening to songs that reminded me of her. These were also songs that were played on her funeral. This is a tricky one, because they made me sad most of the time. But I also know that at some points it was good for me to listen to them, because otherwise I would have never let that sadness out.

Keeping in touch with people that were close to her. For me, it were my best friend's parents. For you it can be your mother's siblings (if she had any)?

Like I said, these were things that helped me but it could be that totally different things will help you. What I would definitely recommend you is to reach out for professional help. Losing someone so close to you is so hard and a professional can absolutely help you deal with that, help you deal with this month and help you deal with coping. And on top of that all they can also help you deal with your OCD and panic disorder. I think our page on getting help will help you tons.

About the formal, is there someone that you can get ready with? Maybe a friend? Or a friend and their mum? Or an aunt? Or a family friend? I think it will be easier preparing for formal when there's someone around you. When you do it alone it will probably hit you even more that you can't prepare with your mum. And of course it will feel different. And it will hurt. But we're gonna try to make it hurt as less as possible okay? And having people around who are aware of how difficult the situation is can make it tons easier. I'll also always be here if you want someone to talk to. I hope things will go as alright as possible. Maybe you can do something special on for example your birthday or with christmas or on both days? A moment to stand still. Light a candle on christmas or listen to a song on your birthday. It doesn't have to be big, lighting a candle can have a huge impact already. I'm here for you, you're so strong <3