#*selfpara

The nausea had been plaguing her for days.  It was July.  Marina never got sick in the summer.  Lately she’d been tired, nauseous, and just generally out of it.  It came in waves and never lasted for very long.  She was quick to dismiss what she was feeling.  It was nerves over the upcoming reaping or over seeing Jackson again for the first time since the morning after the garden party.  Sure, they’d talked a lot since then, but that wasn’t the same as being in the same room with someone you cared about.  Someone you’d been intimate with.

The morning of the Reaping started with Marina unable to eat more than toast and some ginger ale for breakfast.  She felt absolutely awful and couldn’t recall the last time she was sick like this.  She’d been much younger, laid up with a stomach bug over Candlenights.  She recalled Mags coming to check on her then and teasingly asking if she was pregnant.  That had been years ago and the thought brought a smile to her face.  The older woman had become something of a mother to Marina and she wouldn’t have known how to navigate life as a victor without her.

But as she got ready to head to the Justice Building for the Reaping, Mags’ joking comment from years ago kept tickling in the back of her mind.  You’re sure you aren’t pregnant, dear?  Marina had laughed off the thought those years ago.  Not only had she been told at fifteen she’d have a hard time carrying a baby, she had been chaste.  Back then it had been funny.  Now the puzzle pieces were beginning to click together.

She’d opted to walk to the Justice Building from the victor’s village.  The sun overhead felt good on her skin and she took solace in listening to the seagulls, just as she’d told Jackson so long ago.  Anxiously she fiddled with her seaglass bracelet as she walked, mentally counting backwards.  How long ago had it been since she last had her cycle?  A month? Longer?  By the time she reached the Justice Building, the color had drained from her face and she felt lightheaded upon realizing she hadn’t had her cycle in two months.  Not since before her last trip to the Capitol in May.  Not since before she made love with Jackson.  Oh.

The nausea returned as she joined the other District Four victors on the stage before the Reaping could begin.  It was impossible for Marina to focus on what was happening with the escort and which tributes were selected to represent the district.  All she could think about was the what ifs.  What if she was pregnant?  Did she dare get her hopes up?  Motherhood was something Marina had wanted since she was young, a hope all but dashed in the aftermath of her time in the arena.  Could she even be pregnant?  What if it was just the stress of the upcoming Games throwing her off?  Sure, that was possible but how likely was it?

She stood there, barely listening as the tributes were selected.  How could she focus on anything else?  She was vaguely aware that both her tributes seemed to have potential and weren’t young, but that was something to worry about later.

By the time the reaping ended and Marina’s tributes were led into the building to say goodbye to their families, she immediately headed for the train.  Nauseous and lightheaded, she had a lot to think about.  Her world was spinning.  Was this happening?  Was she pregnant?  Would she actually get a chance to be a mother?  But what if she wasn’t?  Or worse, what if she was and then she lost the baby?  After all, at fifteen the Capitol doctors told her it would be a struggle.  

Oh god.  What would Jackson say?

It took Marina a surprisingly long time before she considered what Jackson’s feelings would be about this.  If she was pregnant, it was his.  There was absolutely no question there.  There hadn’t been anyone else.  How would he feel?  Sure, they were good friends but that was before things got more complicated, and a baby would certainly complicate things further.  It was those racing thoughts in her mind that had Marina rushing to the bathroom, suddenly overwhelmed with nausea.

While she did go greet her tributes upon their arrival on the train, she eventually handed off early mentoring duties to Finnick, Annie, and Lincoln.  They were more than capable of handling everything the tributes could need between the District Four and the Capitol.  She felt too nauseous and looked too green for anyone to question her desire to keep to herself.  Marina was terrified if they asked too many questions, she’d speak her dreams aloud and watch them turn to ash.  No, it was better to wait.  She needed to know for certain one way or another.  Once they arrived in the Capitol, then she’d know.  Then she could figure out her next step.

By the time they reach the Capitol, Marina is sure she’s making this up.  She couldn’t actually be pregnant.  There’s no chance.  It’s wishful thinking making her believe something impossible.  Still, she knew she had to take a test.  She would never have any peace of mind without one.  Surprisingly, it was harder than she thought it would be for her to get her hands on a pregnancy test without someone seeing her buy it.  That was the last thing she needed, pictures of her buying a pregnancy test splashed all over Sponsor’s Weekly complete with speculation on who the father could be.

Eventually she made it back to the District Four suite so she could take the test.  Hiding out in the bathroom was overwhelming and those few minutes waiting for the results had Marina’s mind racing in a million different directions.  Did she want it to be positive?  What about negative?  How would she handle it in either way?  Would she be happy? Sad? Overwhelmed? Scared?  There were so many thoughts that she could barely take time to process them all.  There was simply too much to think about.

Tentatively, Marina finally reached for the rest when the time was up.  Lifting it in her trembling fingers, she took a deep breath then looked down at the results.  Two thin lines showed on the test and it took only a few seconds for Marina to realize what that meant.  Tears filled her eyes and she half laughed.  It was positive.  She was having a baby.  Motherhood had been calling to Marina since she was young, but the timing never seemed right.  She had always imagined raising a family with a partner.

Jackson.  He came to mind and she stopped.  How would he feel?  He didn’t ask for this, that much she knew.  They were still figuring out where they stood with each other after the night they spent together.  The night they made their baby it would seem.  Would he be happy?  Angry?  She honestly didn’t know.  

All Marina did know was she had to tell Jackson, and she had to hope that everything would be okay.  Now that she knew she was pregnant, she already loved that tiny baby.  Losing it would be the worst thing in the world, but that fear would always linger.  Especially after everything she’d been told as a teenager.

II. THIS IS JUST A DREAM.

Down. Down. Down.  What started as a happy day morphed into the stuff of nightmares as the current pulled her down.  She struggled, fighting the waves as water filled her lungs.  Audrey tried.  She tried hard to breech the surface but the harder she fought the further down she was pulled.  She couldn’t breathe.  She couldn’t see or hear.  Everything was muffled and the world around her was disappearing.  She was choking, gasping, and fading.  Nothing mattered.  The world was gone.

Then Audrey woke with a gasping scream.  Her mind was running as sweat poured down her body.  She couldn’t calm her racing heart as the dream replayed in her mind.  No, it wasn’t just a dream.  It was a nightmare.  She couldn’t close her eyes without feeling that overwhelming pain.  The gasping breaths while she choked on the water.

There were a lot of things Oakley Dressel never expected in her life.  She never expected to be reaped for the Hunger Games.  She never expected she’d watch her first boyfriend die on live tv.  She never thought she’d become disabled.  And perhaps the most jarring of all, was she never expected to learn her best friend would be the star of a reality dating show, on the president’s orders.

Perhaps worst of all, Oakley never expected the way her heart would drop into her stomach when she first heard the news.  Birch had to get engaged.  That seemed…. impossible.  He was Birch. He was always there for her, always her friend, yet as his show progressed their calls became less frequent and her heart kept aching worse.  The jealousy came later, when she realized that Birch wasn’t hers anymore. Truly, he’d never been hers, but she’d always felt like he would be there for her, no matter what happened. She thought he cared about her more than most.  But that connection was suddenly gone.

One episode was all it took for Oakley to feel sick.  She couldn’t watch it.  Even if Birch didn’t want to be there, doing that, she couldn’t watch it all unfold. She couldn’t think about him spending time with those Capitolite women when he should have been on the phone with her. He missed calls with her for dinners with them.  Oakley felt jealous and she hated it.

It took her sister eventually dragging the truth out of her before Oakley finally faced the music. She liked Birch.  She thought there would be a chance at a future with Birch. Once upon a time she thought she could have that with Ares, and he hurt her.  Now she thought she was hurt all over again.  

If nothing else, Birch had been her best friend for years.  He was the one constant she had outside of District Eight and her heart ached. Even though she couldn’t bring herself to watch it, Oakley’s sister kept her updated.  She let her know what was happening, and when Birch chose Lael, Oakley cried herself to sleep that night.

When she closed her eyes, she could remember laying on a blanket and watching the clouds, talking about their futures and their homes, teaching each other things, supporting each other.  Birch was her rock, her best friend, and it took losing him for her to truly realize what she’d almost had.  It wasn’t fair.  In her mind’s eye she could see him smiling when he lifted a hang to tuck her hair behind her ear.  She could see him laughing at Everly and making a fool of himself with watercolors just to make her smile.  Despite wanting to believe the friendship would remain the same, she doubted it. Their calls were few and far between now.  Oakley felt distance creeping between them that hadn’t been there in years.  She loathed it, but what could she do?  At the end of the day, Oakley was too late.

He was her friend. Maybe he would always be that, but she needed to be supportive.  She needed to be happy for him despite how much it hurt.  If he needed a friend she’d be there, just like she always had been. Nothing would change, except it all had. Now Oakley knew what she wanted and what she couldn’t have.  Now she could find herself sketching his smile and remembering a time when things were different.

If only.  

If only.

When Valerie filmed Repercussion she was barely breaking through.  She hadn’t been cast on In a Heartbeat yet.  She hadn’t even reconnected with Mitch yet.  Livi wasn’t even on her radar at the time she played a grieving mother dealing with the worst experience of her life.  It took three years of post production before it premiered at Sundance in 2018.  That had been quite the experience for Val.  She’d never really been on that level before.  It was surreal.

So while she knew there had been buzz and talk of her making it to the Oscars short list for a nomination, Val highly doubted she’d get it.  When she tucked Livi in the night before, then crawled into bed with Mitch, she figured tomorrow would be just another early day on set.  She had a 7:00 am call time and set her alarm for 5:45 am.  Mitch would have to deal with feeding Livi and getting her to the nanny before going into work himself.  What Val didn’t expect was a barrage of texts and calls to wake her up fifteen minutes before her alarm was set to sound.

Snatching her phone from the bedside table, she started scrolling through the notifications on the lock screen.  She saw “congrats!!!” from her high school best friend, “can i be your date?” from another, then “we’re proud of you” from her mother which was strange in and of itself.  Then Val saw the text from Becks, her manager, along with four missed calls.

You got the nom!!!! Best Actress!!

She read the text and her heart skipped a beat.  Truly, Val thought everyone was crazy.  The movie came out last January.  Surely people would have forgotten about it.  Surely there were other, more deserving actresses in the category.  There were so many movies every year.  It was mind boggling.

The phone started ringing again and Val answered quickly.  

“Congrats!!!” Her manager’s voice came over the line as she felt Mitch stirring in bed beside her.  Valerie slipped out of bed carefully.  She wanted to wake him up and tell him the news, but she knew he had a late night with a stunt.

“Thanks,” she replied softly.  “I just...I didn’t think you were right.”

“I told you when you booked that film it was award bait.  I’m glad you pulled it off.”

Valerie shook her head, a huff passing her lips.  “That’s not why I took it.  I don’t need a nomination to know I’m a good actress.  It’s nice, but not really important,” she told her before hearing the other woman scoff.  “I mean it!” Val protested.

“Uh huh sure,” her manager chuckled.  “I’m going to start getting things worked out for the pre-Oscars stuff and your trip down to LA.  There will be interviews so start practicing your it’s an honor just to be nominated.”

Val rolled her eyes.  “Uh huh, sure.  I’m gonna ask Nat if she wants to do my dress for it though.  I’ll let you know if I need to meet with the designers.”

“Okay, okay.  You should probably start getting ready.  You’ll be fielding calls all morning so I hope it’s a light shooting day.”

“I hope so too,” Val told her before hanging up.  The phone was lowered and Val noticed Mitch awake in the bed watching her as she stood by the window.  

His brow arched.  “What’s going on?”

Crossing the room, Val moved to sit on the edge of the bed next to him.  “I got the Oscar nomination.”

She could see the few seconds it took him to process the information.  Val didn’t have experience with this, but his father was a very prolific director.  People knew Harrison Burgess.  Still, the moment it clicked was the same moment Mitch’s arms went around her and he laughed, congratulating his wife.