sheâs scary and broken and he loves her â or he would, if she would let him.
thereâs a lot of things she wonât let him do. so many heâs beginning to lose count.
some rules ( wipe your feet when you come in, donât eat the flowers on the windowsill ) are easy to follow â although he still complains about them, because he wouldnât be himself if he didnât. others ( donât hold her hand, donât kiss on the lips, donât leave any marks, and god, never ever spend the night ) are hard.
he wasnât made to fit into the confines of someone elseâs directions. heâs wild and untamable and the literal goddamn force of nature and he cannot be stopped.
but he does.
for her.
he wants to be good enough for her â wants it so badly that it hurts, and he can feel it coursing through his veins, vibrating through his body, and when he reaches a hand out to touch her ( fighting himself to be so fucking light, afraid heâll scare her away, as itâs the only thing heâs ever truly been good at ) his hands are shaking.
she lets him touch her, a soft smile gracing her lips. lets him breathe in her hair ( always flowers, unlike him, who usually smells like moss and fresh earth but mostly like weed ), lets him kiss down her neck, hold her close for a few hours.
she closes her eyes, and deep down he knows that sheâs not here with him. not on this bed, not in this apartment, not even on this earth. sheâs far underground, deeper than anyone can stand. anyone that is, except for her and the man she dreams about.
he pretends it doesnât sting when she whispers his name.
when itâs over, he leaves. slips on his shoes and grabs his jacket before making for the exit. she doesnât ask where he goes, and heâs grateful. he doesnât need to see the pity in her eyes.
when heâs halfway out the door she stops him, reaching up on her tiptoes to leave a light kiss on his cheek and the words are there, right on the tip of his tongue like always, threatening to spill out past his lips. he reels them in with a tight-lipped smile, and then he is gone.
he never tells her that he looked for her after she left.















