sunlight pours through open windows to dance with the dust and it's the first sign of spring that falls on a room of bare bones. this is the first time that the windows are open after a too -long winter that rested heavy on the shoulders of the person who inhabits the apartment, one who goes by dr. kim joonmyun. ( previously extractor -- though the only one who knows that secret, it seems, is the man that lays beside him. ) the breathy sounds of sleep bring something like music to the room as spring breezes play with the curtains and make them look like the ghosts that linger in the corners.
joonmyun's bare skin is warm and his body is still heavy with the remnants of sleep when his eyes blink open blearily to the sounds of birds cooing their morning songs. he's never been one for too much sleep; he always falls asleep last and wakes up first but it's these moments that give him solitude and a chance to think. he's still curled into the warmth of skin against skin, and joonmyun's lips upturn with a lazy smile. it starts off with a sigh, then a kiss to the top of a head that's resting in the crook of his neck.
char is what he whispers into blond hair, fingers running slowly down a cheek, to a neck, to bare arms and hips. char is the name he breathes as his arms bring them closer together, as if they aren't, as if they weren't so close that anyone looking in couldn't tell where one man ended and the other began. joonmyun loves these morning afters, when they're both too lazy and too occupied in each other to bother thinking of anything -- anyone -- else. it's a small reprieve from the hell that lies outside that window; in this little bare bones room in a little bare bones apartment, joonmyun and char only have each other and nothing else matters.
joonmyun's relationship with char started with a multitude of "please don't"s.
in the beginning, joonmyun was stuck in the depths of a well; left to freeze in the winter. he'd gotten used to the way his shoulders grew heavy with the burdens of a promise made that never seemed to pan out -- joonmyun was only a temporary answer to a permanent problem, always and forever. but still he smiled, still he carried on until somehow he crossed paths and became roommates with a man that sparkled with a flame. with a smile, his eyes begged please don't choose me --
he comes in like a wildfire, joonmyun finds, and as much as he wants to beg, please don't, please don't, i'm a monster, please don't -- there's nothing that he can do. a wildfire is selfish, it does what it wants. char's no different, with the way his hands take and his smile is too bright like the sun and joonmyun is
absolutely, to the point his eyes travel after char no matter where he is or where he plans to go. joonmyun is the shadow to char's light, the msoke to a flame and following his footsteps soundlessly. he begs char, please don't notice me.
but char does. it's not hard to notice how joonmyun's eyes seem to brighten only when the younger man's around, the care and comfort he gives at night and the stiff way they handle themselves in the morning. it's a silent type of noticing when char slips into his bed and wraps arms around his hips, curls into his body so that there isn't any room for the tears that run down his cheeks in the nighttime. there's more to char and joonmyun than meets the eye. char notices ( everyone notices ), and joonmyun is terrified.
he's terrified because he does not deserve. joonmyun is a giver, it's a promise made and he doesn't have anything left of himself to take. char is a fire, bright and pure and joonmyun should not desire. in the depths of his heart, he wants, and he thinks it's quite possibly the ugliest feeling he's ever felt. kim joonmyun should not feel desire. kim joonmyun is not worthy of desire.
he is not worthy of char.
but for some god forsaken reason, char seems to think otherwise when his lips find his and their fingers link together when they breathe against each other's skin. char wants him. char chose him. for the life of him, joonmyun does not know why, and he remains scared, remains terrified for other reasons now. and with his eyes closed to the morning sun that streams in through his window, joonmyun begs with a prayer --
please don't leave. please don't choose someone else.
as if in answer, char wakes; presses kisses to his neck that sear the skin like burns. a wildfire takes, it's possessive; char is no different when he smiles crinkle -eyed and sleepy while waiting for joonmyun's kiss.
it's like he's saying, " i won't."
and joonmyun is the happiest man alive.
