Riiiiiiid can i have a teeny tiny request when/if you can answer this. When oc was missing, what was going through jk’s head? Like did he thought she left him, got kidnapped by her parents, got into an accident, etc? Just wondering what’s fuelling his fear. Amazing lovely chapter! Srsly chefs kiss 🙌🏻
genre: est. rel. 🥺 fluff, angst wc: 1.3k 🤭 a/n: this turned into a legit drabble LMAO i'd be over the moon if you guys lmk what you think of this lil mess and whether i did a good job? :] not proofread <3
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if jungkook had the power to undo this, what would he do differently?
hours ago, when you left the apartment.
perhaps he'd handle you with caution. realise that his fret means nothing, and that nobody else defines your relationship but him and you.
maybe he would let you know that he's stuck to you like superglue, no matter what. that he goes insane when you don't show signs of life. and that you're stitched into all crevices of his heart, permanently.
perhaps reacting in such a way could've changed the chain of events today. whatever happened, maybe you could've reached out, rushed to him. instead, you were hidden in a bathroom minutes ago, door locked and a barrier between the two of you.
even now, your mind roams in far distance. waiting for a line to appear or not; and the approaching result fills him with fear. not because he in particular dreads it – but because you do. sniffling, drying your tears, shaking.
jungkook isn't stupid, so he won't tell you how you affect him. how your pain becomes his burden, too, and how he wants the moment to pass, so your tremble stops.
life didn't pain you enough, it seems. something or someone in the skies above is being unfair.
it hurts. it hurts. it fucking hurts.
and on top of everything, jungkook's own ache, courtesy of his overthinking, still lingers. how he wondered if you'd left him. or hoping you weren't hurt. praying that you were unscathed, not a victim of the world's carelessness.
he can't tell you, though. and he doesn't.
not when the minutes pass and jokes are exchanged. not when you explain why you never came home. and not when only one line appears, pushing you into another sobfest that only his arms heal, slowly and carefully. bit by bit.
you're so warm against him. so innocent and relieved, seeking a cure in him to diminish the former pain. you hold onto him so tight, quivering more than ever, crying tear after tear after tear.
jungkook doesn't think he's ever felt such a firm, solid crack splitting his heart. because you don't deserve this.
you're his gentle, enthusiastic girl, aren't you? thrilled about countryside weddings and glued-on stars. you do not deserve this.
your transparent emotions punch him in the guts even when you've bid eun goodbye. and the very next moment, as he comes to a stand in front of the entrance, stalling the drive back home, he feels something stir in him, too.
the same as before when you opened the bathroom door. the same intense yearning clogging up his throat. because when he looks at you now…
tear-stained cheeks. red eyes. yet, a soft smile assuring him that you're okay again…
he knows now. he knows.
"angel..." he voices, and you lift your falling eyelids, endless tenderness in your gaze.
his heart combusts. nervous fear fills his entire being, so worried you might walk away or cry again or be scared off or… or…
tell her.
she might know anyway.
the voice keeps urging him. wants to bare his thoughts, pull them out of his mind.
tell her.
but he doesn't. instead, he calms the brittle organ beneath his chest, eyes blinking his secrets away before he says, "nothing. let's go home."
and he admits now. barely half an hour later, he admits that his choices aren't always well thought out. because how did he manage to pain you again?
crying in front of him, in the middle of the living room, much like… what? a mere month ago. asking him what's wrong; getting back a confused nothing.
he covers his face when you inquire whether he's sure, rubbing it before he responds, "yeah. tired, is all. worn out from the stress."
"i'm sorry."
god. no.
there's no fault in anyone right now. there's no misery, just… realisations. revelations.
"no," he starts, "it's okay."
you swallow, and then argue, "i don't think it is. tell me what you're thinking about."
but how does he tell you? because his words wouldn't suffice. and he doesn't quite know whether the moment's right. how does he unveil something to you that'll never do justice to what he truly feels?
"nothing, baby," he answers; he's being so stupid, "please go to sleep."
but you don't falter. "is it because of the pregnancy scare? or because i didn't call you. i scared you."
"no. it's nothing like that."
he waits.
fuck… he could throw up. you're here, so close, waiting for a response, and he's panicking, nervous, insecure, and… and…
so in fucking love.
"just go change into something comfortable, angel," jungkook gently orders, fuelling the craze in his jumbled mind, "or do you want to eat first? i can get you some food to the bedroom, too."
you shake your head, digging, "i want– you to tell me what's wrong."
but it's not easy. wording feelings has never been easy.
he groans quietly, keeping his foot from tapping the ground. if he told you now… would you react in kind? would you walk away? if he told you now, would you push him away or pull him closer?
shit, shit, shit.
his head falls between his shoulders, fingers grazing his wrinkled forehead, heaviness behind it, "what do i tell you?"
"just. was it… is it seokjin? i won't talk to him if you don't want me to."
god, if you knew…
that seokjin long took a backseat in his head. he would've barely been able to remember his name right now, because his mind is so painfully filled with the same damn things revolving around you.
with the same word, over and over again, repeating in a circle and as a plea.
"that's not it," he promises.
"it's not…?"
"babe… i don't care about him. i stopped caring ten minutes later."
he explains the agitation this morning; explains the far graver evening, how it overshadowed each word uttered in that stupid argument. how you drove him crazy today.
fearing, craving, pining.
wondering if you'd be coming back, if he'd ever get the chance to tell you that you carry his heart with you wherever you go.
and maybe that's exactly what he should do.
right.
enough of this idiocy.
he stands, stepping closer. his voice is unsteady when he calls your name, shaking fingers carding through his hair. he sighs, and then inhales a breath to give his lungs something. to lift the burn.
jungkook prepares his mind for the best and the worst for only a moment before everything goes blank. and then, finally, he realises that, first and foremost, he doesn't need an immediate reaction.
he just needs you to know.
"what is it then?" you still question, tears falling freely, "fuck, just. just say it, please."
your hand curls into a fist, and he rushes to grab your wrist; tugs you into him, a palm on your back. pushing you closer, trying to press his affection into you, and all misery out of you.
he holds your head, holds you right there, lets you cry into his shirt.
and then, he admits, "i'm not good with words, baby. and i don't know how to ever properly verbalise something like this."
"what? verbalise wh–"
then again, does he not know?
no. he does. he just doesn't think it'll ever suffice. ever.
because what he feels doesn't belong to this mundane world. it isn't ordinary; transcends normalcy. no, to him, it appears like something out of a fairytale.
this is what songs are written about; what love stories and novels and movies speak of. the exact rhymes present in poetry. jungkook doesn't have the vocabulary that poets possess.
can't truly explain what you elicit, and what you mean to him, and how insane you make him, and how he wants to hold you and freeze this moment forever, and…
and how he's never been as certain about anything as about–
"i love you."
no… he doesn't need you to answer immediately.
he just needs you to finally know.
–
:'''))))) i have nothing to say except. thank you for this lil request. i am in tears and will go hide in the bathroom now. <3
