#*benny

Zoya: As exciting as it is to see you both, why are you in Britechester?

Ethan: Well I missed you and wanted to see you again. This one has ulterior motives.

Benny: Hey they’re not “ulterior motives”! I’m getting paid to come here, I might as well see my favorite sister.

Zoya: Now I'm even more intrigued. Give me all the details!

Benny: Technically I'm not supposed to tell anyone until the deal is closed but [She pauses dramatically] I'm being transferred to play for Britechester next season!

Zoya: Oh wow, that's amazing! Are you gonna move here?

Benny: I’m thinking about it. Figured it’d be smart to get the opinion from an actual resident before I do.

Zoya: Well I don't see us being here for much longer. Nothing to do with where we live though! Britechester is great. I just need a change of scenery.

Benny: Are you moving back home?

Ethan: Hm, I bet her and lover boy are getting ready for a little one.

Zoya: What?!

Benny: Yes, finally! I've been dying to become an aunt!

Benny wasn’t visiting you at work every day but when he was – it was your favourite moment of the day. He would always order the same thing and sit in the same place on the barstool by the counter. He was not a man of many words so sometimes he would just sit there and watch you work for half an hour before leaving and hopping back onto his bike. But it was enough for you – to just have him around. It made you feel safe, loved and appreciated. 

You enjoyed the way the whole diner would go silent the moment he entered the place with those lazy, heavy steps. You liked the way you immediately knew it was him by the sound of his boots and by the smell of gasoline and cigarettes. His hands, dirty with grease, handing you a few crumpled dollar bills from the depths of his worn out jeans’ pockets. He was a dream come true for a girl like you. A girl who had never found anything exciting about all those ordinary guys your friends had been trying to trap ever since high school. Those proper guys, those football team captain guys, those college high achiever guys… No, they all lacked something for you. Benny had it, though, even though you couldn’t quite name it but it didn’t matter. He was not a man of many words anyway.

“Wanna go out with me later tonight? Join the picnic?” He mumbled on that day when you were taking an empty plate from him with a few toast crumbles left on it.

“Y-yeah,” you nodded. You had a day off on the next day so you didn’t mind staying up late. “You gonna pick me up?” You asked.

“Yeah. I’m gonna get a car, okay? You can wear a dress if you wanna,” Benny said and cleared his throat before standing up and throwing a few crumpled dollar bills on the counter as usual. Without any other word, he walked out of the diner slowly, making heavy and slow steps.

You grabbed the money and watched him through the window for a while. You smiled to yourself when you saw him hopping onto his bike and driving away while the engine roared.

You wondered why he decided to take the car and whose car was it but it didn’t matter, honestly. You liked riding a bike with him but cars were more comfortable and he was right – you could wear a dress. And Benny loved you in dresses even though he never actually ordered you what to wear. However, when you had met him, you were wearing a cute pink dress but as your relationship had been progressing, you had bought more and more jeans and black leather pants for bike riding.

Tonight, you decided to surprise him and wear the very same cute pink dress that you had been wearing on the day you met.

You were a little bit nervous waiting for Benny on your driveway. You knew that your mother was staring angrily through the half-opened window with a cigarette in her hand, squinting her eyes at the car your boyfriend had driven here in. You recognised it immediately as Johnny’s.

The sun was slowly going down and you were hugging your own self even though you didn’t feel cold at all but you were anxious about your mother watching you and about the dress you had worn. What if Benny would find it silly? He was not exactly a very romantic type even though he had proposed to you on the second date.

You had declined, of course. But you had been very tempted and sometimes you had regretted your decision. If you had been his wife, you wouldn’t have to live with your mother anymore and life with her was not easy. Especially now when she was angry at you for dating a man like Benny.

Benny didn’t leave the car, though. He parked the vehicle and his arm lazily hung out from the window. There was a cigarette in his hand and he nodded at you to come over.

“Won’t you walk out and open the door for me like a gentleman?” You giggled as you leaned by the car’s window.

“Not when your mother’s killing me with her hawk eyes,” Benny snorted. “Get your ass inside, dollie.”

You nodded with a chuckle and sat in the passenger seat. The moment you closed the door behind you, Benny started the engine and drove away as fast as possible. He placed his hand on your thigh and you grabbed it with both of yours to play with his long fingers and the rings he was wearing.

“Why did you take Johnny’s car?” You asked, looking up at him.

“He wanted me to do him a favour and I needed a car with a big trunk for that. Nothing to worry your pretty head about, yeah, sweetheart?” Benny answered without even looking at your face but you noticed his knuckles tightening around the steering wheel and you immediately knew it was one of the mysterious jobs he was being assigned to do around the club.

It was the source of his money and you never asked because you didn’t have to be a genius to know it was nothing legal and nothing safe. You didn’t want to know but you were awfully worried.

“I would go crazy if something happened to you, you know that, right?” You only asked and swallowed thickly.

“I know,” he nodded but still didn’t look at you.

“Do you like my dress?” You changed the subject quickly and Benny finally laid his baby blue eyes on you. He looked you up and down with a slight smirk before looking back on the road.

“I do,” he answered. “You look fucking beautiful, (Y/N).”

“Thank you, Benny,” you felt your cheeks heating up and you had to look away, too. You kept holding his hand but your eyes were focused on the road now.

You loved those picnics. They made you feel like you were a part of something and that was a feeling you had missed your whole life. Your family was far from perfect and you had never felt like you truly had it – a family. They were just a bunch of people you shared some genetic code with. At school and at work you never truly had friends either. Not that you had been a complete loser, no. And those girls you had been hanging around with probably thought you were close. But you knew it was not true. You had never felt any deep connection to them and you had never been interested in what they were talking about because they mostly talked about boys. All those boys you didn’t find interesting at all.

But women here – the women dating The Vandals – they understood you. They all were here for different reasons but you all shared this one quality that made you attracted to men like those bikers. They were outcasts and it took lots of bravery and lots of rebelliousness to love a man like that.

Some of those girls were just like their men – dirty with grease, downing one beer after another, loud and vulgar. Some were party girls who wanted to have fun. Some were ordinary wives and mothers. You felt like you were all of them at once and none of them at the same time. But just like them – you were there and you were enjoying it. Sitting by the fire and sipping on the beverage Benny had brought you, gossipping with the women and laughing as the guys watched and talked by their bikes and cars. Sometimes they were showing tricks on their motorbikes or playing games.

The night was warm and you watched the sky as the sparks from the fire danced in the air. Nights like this should never end, you thought. And just when you were smiling to yourself about it, Benny approached you and put his hand on your shoulder to squeeze it gently.

“It’s time for us, baby,” he announced.

“So early?” You batted your eyelashes.

“Most people are goin’ back home now,” he pointed out and you looked around. He was right, you just hadn’t noticed, too distracted by your staring at the sky and daydreaming.

“Okay then,” you nodded and put down the coke bottle. “Bye!” You waved at the few girls who were still sitting there and they waved back at you.

Benny walked you to Johnny’s car and this time he opened the door for you like a gentleman. You chuckled and got inside but when the door behind you closed, you suddenly felt an odd and sad feeling deep in your gut. You realised that this night was truly about to be over now and you didn’t like it.

With a heavy heart, you watched Benny getting behind the steering wheel and starting the engine. He noticed your weird behaviour, though.

“What is it, doll?” He asked when you were on the road leading back to the city already.

“I don’t wanna go back home, Benny. Not yet,” you looked down and began to play nervously with the hem of your dress.

“We don’t gotta go home, baby,” Benny said after a short while of silence but you didn’t say anything to that. It was an empty promise if he hadn’t actually proposed anything. “I ain’t got a lotta money on me, sweetheart,” Benny sighed as he glanced at you nervously. The whole idea of him not being able to actually provide for you was a touchy subject for him.

“We don’t have to go to the motel, Benny,” you quickly said although you couldn’t understand how he could be broke after doing a job for Johnny. It was between them two, though. “We can simply ride around. It’s Johnny’s gas, right?” You bit on your lower lip and Benny chuckled at that as he nodded.

“Yeah, baby, it’s Johnny’s gas, so we can use it all and ride around,” he agreed and you smiled widely at that. “You wanna ride ‘round town or what?”

“Maybe we could go somewhere private,” you nodded. “To the forest?” You proposed. There was a secluded spot Benny sometimes was taking you to on his motorbike.

One thing about Benny that had been surprising to you at first but then it totally made sense later was that he loved nature.

“Sure, we can do that,” Benny nodded and you leaned back in the seat with a sigh of relief. With each passing moment you were more and more further away from Chicago and from your home with your mother waiting for you inside.

“I wish we could just ride and ride until we reach California,” you whispered. It was not the first time you mentioned it to Benny and you already knew what the answer would be like.

“I can’t. I got the club,” he answered and cleared his throat, a little annoyed by the fact you were constantly bringing this up. “Why are you so crazy about California, huh? Wanna be a movie star, baby?” He tried to turn it into a joke.

“It’s not about California, Benny,” you rolled your eyes. It was not about the California Dreamin’ at all. It was about running away to a sunny place with the love of your life to start over. “What about your cousin in Florida? Maybe we could go there?”

“Why would you even go with me anywhere, doll? I ain’t no good to you,” Benny pointed out but you froze at his words.

“What do you mean you ain’t no good to me?”

“If I was, you’d marry me,” Benny pointed out and now it was your turn to get a little irritated. He was bringing up the marriage subject as often as you were talking about running away.

“I would marry you if we got away from this place,” you crossed your arms and looked out of the window because you didn’t want to see his face at that moment. You were scared of his reaction – you had never made such a promise before.

“You know I can’t. I have my responsibilities here, I have the club,” Benny’s voice broke a little.

“Fuck the club,” you snapped and it made him speechless. You angrily looked back at his confused face. “You always talk about being so free and having no roots, whatever, but it’s all bullshit, Benny,” you huffed.

“You scare me, baby,” he only shook his head but he kept on driving. “You’re crazy-crazy.”

To that, you didn’t say anything and the rest of the drive was quiet. You knew he was right about many things – you really acted crazy sometimes. It was because you were a coward – too scared to change your life on your own. Too scared to go to the bank, take all your savings out and buy a greyhound bus ticket on your own to start a new life somewhere. You wanted to somehow use Benny to get away from this place. But it didn’t change the fact you loved him. You were crazy about him, in fact. And if your fate in life was to end up as his wife in some shitty rented flat in Chicago, you would end up as such.

“Come on, baby, I don’t wanna fight,” Benny sighed as he parked the car near your favourite spot in the forest.

“I don’t wanna fight either,” you sniffed your tears back but refused to look at him. Benny shook his head and put his arm around you to pull you closer and force you to lay your eyes on him.

He was staring at your face for a while with a mix of worry and curiosity in his blue eyes. You were sure that sometimes he would pay real money to find out what was going inside your head but you felt the same towards him so it was only fair.

Benny raised his hand to caress your cheek and wipe off all the tears before leaning in to kiss you sweetly. You kissed him back hungrily and nearly desperately, clinging to him with your fists tangled in the fabric of his jacket to pull him even closer.

“You’re fucked up but sweet,” Benny murmured after breaking the kiss and you chuckled.

“Would you want it any other way?” You asked, raising an eyebrow playfully.

“No way,” he shook his head before joining your lips together again. Benny deepened the kiss and you moved from your seat clumsily to sit on his lap, tangling your fingers in his golden locks to pull on them slightly as you moaned into his mouth.

You knew that Benny knew that you hadn’t wanted him to take you here to admire nature. Of course, you enjoyed it but when you wanted to go to such a place in the middle of the night it only meant one thing. You had usually been fucking on a blanket by the lake but now you had a car so you wanted to make a use of it.

Benny’s hands grabbed you by your waist and began to squeeze the soft flesh there, pulling the pink dress in the process and revealing more and more of your legs as you were spreading them open until you felt the hardening cock inside his jeans rubbing onto your clothed pussy, making it grow wet.

You reached out to the back of the dress and unbuttoned it there to make it loose around your arms. The stripes fell down immediately, revealing your bra. Benny’s long and skilled fingers unclasped it and threw it in the backseat as he groaned at the sight of your exposed breasts.

“God, you’re gorgeous,” he breathed out and you chuckled.

“So are you, baby,” you leaned in to rub your nose with his and peck his lips.

Benny watched your breasts in awe as if it was the first time he had seen them. In the meantime, your hands worked on the zipper of his jeans. When you could finally grab and squeeze his hardening cock through the fabric of his boxer shorts, Benny kept you balanced with his hands placed flat on your back before leaning in to suck on your breasts. He began with soft kisses around your nipples, scratching you gently with his facial hair, which was making you giggle playfully. Your hands kept working on teasing his cock as he sucked and bit on your breasts to turn you on even further and you could feel your pussy leaking already.

When you felt a small wet spot from Benny’s precum forming on his underwear, you pulled the boxer shorts down and freed his cock. He groaned at the feeling and you moaned at the sight before grabbing it in your hand. You pushed him back for a moment and his eyes widened at the sight of you leaning in and spitting slowly on the tip of his red and swollen tip.

“Fuck,” his eyes rolled back and you giggled before starting to pump his cock with your hand firmly, setting up a fast and steady pace. Benny started to dig his fingernails in the soft skin of your back but he was trying to stop himself from scratching you too much. Your free hand grabbed his hair and pulled his head back, forcing him to open his eyes and focus them on you again. “You’re so beautiful,” he breathed out, his gasps barely audible.

“And all yours, Benny, baby,” you assured him and at those words, he groaned and moved his hands back to your hips. One of his hands went lower to pull your panties aside and reveal how wet and sticky you were already for him.

You guided his cock to your entrance and sank on it slowly, savouring every moment as your walls clenched around his length, which was filling you up sweetly and stretching you out. You hissed and threw your head back as your eyes rolled and Benny kept squeezing your hips to keep you steady and control the pace.

When you finally had him whole deep inside of you, Benny gave you a moment to adjust. A moment filled with your deep and loud breaths and his face pressed to your chest as he went back to sucking on your nipples.

Eventually, you looked down and put your hands on his shoulders for balance as you began to roll your hips and ride him slowly. Benny was an impatient man, though, and he started to help you immediately by pushing his hips up and rutting into you, which made you gasp and moan as your fingernails dug deep into his shoulders.

Benny moved his lips up from your breasts to your neck, sucking on the sensitive skin there and leaving his hot and wet open-mouth kisses all over. You wondered what Johnny would say if he had known what you were doing inside his car but you shrugged this thought off quickly.

The driver seat was squeaking from all your fucking and you were sure that the car was bouncing itself in the rhythm of your hips but you knew very well that no one would catch you there in the middle of the forest. Parking lots were much more risky. But not this forest, not this place. In fact, it was your place. And perhaps you would be missing it if you managed to get away from Chicago. 

You whined and trembled when Benny’s cock found your sweet spot after you moved slightly and he was able to fuck you in a different angle. You cupped his face to move it away from your neck and he looked up to meet your gaze. His blue eyes were hazy but yours were finding it difficult to focus as well since they were filled with tears of pleasure. You pressed your forehead to his and helped him to fuck you by rocking your hips back and forth.

“I love you, Benny,” you let out a quiet whisper from your lips to his, for nobody else to hear. “I’m gonna marry you, baby,” you promised, picking up the pace.

Your words made him groan and start rutting into you faster as well but his moves were growing chaotic. You didn’t mind, though, because you could feel a knot in your lower abdomen forming already and you were close yourself.

“I’m gonna be your wife. I’m gonna be Mrs. Cross, baby,” you were whispering promises mindlessly, knowing it would bring him closer and it seemed to be working for you, too.

You moved one of your hands down to between your legs to rub on your clit but Benny realised what you were doing so he took one of his hands away from your hip and pushed your hand away to take the lead instead. His fingers found your swollen and achy clit quickly before rubbing circles on it and making you let out choked out sobs as tears of pleasure streamed down your cheeks.

You came with a loud cry of his name, arching your back and throwing your head back while your eyes shut close and your walls clenched around his cock. He came right after you, filling you up with a few grunts and chaotic thrusts.

You gave yourselves a short moment to come off of your highs. You waited for your heartbeat and breath to go back to normal before you relaxed your muscles and fluttered your eyes open to look down at Benny’s fucked out face.

“You look like a mess,” you chuckled in a raspy voice and caressed his face before fixing his ruffled hair.

“So do you, doll,” Benny winked and helped you to get off of his lap, letting his softening cock to slip out of you with a hiss. You felt his cum mixed with your juices leaking down your thigh but you didn’t mind and you just pulled your panties back into their place.

While moving back to the passenger seat, you reached to the backseat for your bra. You put it back on and buttoned your dress back up before fixing your hair nonchalantly with your hand in the mirror of Johnny’s car.

Benny wiped the sweat off of his face with the palm of his hand before pulling his boxer shorts back up and zipping his jeans. He got out of the car and lit himself a cigarette as he leaned on the hood of the car. You gave him a short moment of silence and peace before getting out of the car as well and sitting on the hood next to him. You didn’t say anything, you only put your head on Benny’s shoulder and you stared at the stars above with a loud sigh.

“Did you mean that?” He asked, eventually. There was lots of insecurity in his voice and it was unusual for Benny to feel this way.

“That I’m gonna marry you?” You asked and he nodded after a while of hesitation. “Yeah, why not? I only said no back then because it was our second date. Not because you ain’t no good enough for me, you know?” You looked up and caressed his hair gently.

Benny turned his head around slowly to meet your loving gaze.

“You know, I don’t like all those things Johnny’s askin’ me to do for him these days,” Benny confessed and you furrowed your brows. “I might not ride with the club anymore after all, I dunno yet,” he shrugged his arms. “I been thinkin’ maybe we could go to California after all. Or Florida. Or wherever you want, baby, really, I don’t care. I just wanna be with you, yeah?” Benny joined your foreheads together and you grinned at him.

“Yeah, Benny, I want the same,” you assured him. “Let’s get out of this place, we’re starting to waste here and we deserve so much more.”

“You surely do,” Benny chuckled and pecked your lips before moving his head away to take a drag of his cigarette.

You squeezed his arm tighter and chuckled sadly at his words before leaning to kiss his cheek lovingly.

“So do you, Benny. I’m gonna make you see that one day, baby,” you promised. “But until then, you just gotta believe me when I say that. You’re one of a kind.”

Lots of things had changed those past few months. With his ups and downs, Benny Cross had grown into a man who was worthy of becoming a father. He had found a job as a mechanic and although he was still riding with the club, he was no longer leaving you alone for a whole night and you had bailed him out only once those past few months. With the help of Johnny and a few other guys – mostly Cal – he had even managed to prepare a nursery in your house for the baby.

You both were scared, though, and it wasn’t even about the little baby joining your family soon. Benny was scared of failing and not meeting the standards he had set up for himself. He never wanted to be like his own father and disappoint. You, on the other hand, were scared that Benny would just… Break. Pop like a balloon after all those months of trying to be the most proper version of himself. That he’d eventually crack and need to unwind. You couldn’t forget about the fact that your husband was a wild mustang and wild animals would always remain unpredictable – even domesticated ones.

Your biggest fear was that it would happen after the baby would be born and you’d be left alone with a newborn child. If Benny disappeared on you like that, you would find it very difficult to forgive him. But you were nine months pregnant now and he was still with you, trying his best every day. It was making you more and more convinced that as long as the baby was still in your womb, he was fine. But what would he actually do when there would be a tiny human screaming in that crib Benny had built not so long ago? What would he do when there would be actual diapers to change?

However, sharing those doubts with him didn’t feel right. You didn’t want to be ungrateful – after all, he was the best version of himself for you and the baby lately. He had even stopped drinking so much beer. He was taking this new responsibility more and more seriously the bigger your belly grew because it was a proof that yes, it was true – he would become a father.

On that night you were haunted by those thoughts again. In fact, they were especially coming back during those long, sleepless nights and lately every night had been sleepless. Benny was snoring lightly next to you and you were jealous how easy it was for him to drift off to the land of dreams – you knew it was caused by his exhaustion after work but, let’s be real, he had never had problems with falling asleep. His head would touch the pillow and he was a goner that very moment.

You groaned quietly to yourself and changed position for the tenth time that night when suddenly, you felt a sharp pain in your abdomen, which made you hiss. However, you ignored it because those were happening once in a while. 

The pain came back, though, the very moment the previous one subdued completely. You sat up rapidly and held your swollen belly, not wanting to alarm your husband yet but he woke up on his own. Benny moved uncomfortably and opened his eyes lazily.

“You okay, kitty?” He mumbled out.

“I-I don’t know,” you admitted, honestly. Benny furrowed his brows and moved up as well, resting on his elbows as he watched you carefully.

“What do you mean?” He asked, nervously.

“It… Ouch, it hurts,” you told him and winced out of pain.

Benny sat up now and reached his hand to the small lamp on the nightstand table. He turned it on and moved back to you. His rough hands cupped your face and you saw nothing but pure panic in his baby blue eyes. You wanted to comfort him but another sharp pain filled your abdomen as you let out a hiss and groan.

“Fuck, I think it’s time, Benny,” you told him and glanced at the clock. “Wow, the little one really does have a sense of time! It’s three in the morning, god damn it,” you tried to joke a little but Benny didn’t even smile while his face turned a few shades paler.

You moved his wrists away and sat on the edge of the bed, trying to stand up slowly but after a short while, your husband snapped back to reality. He jumped out of bed and hurried to your side.

“No, no, no, you wait here, I… I gotta call Johnny, yeah? We gotta borrow Betty’s car and… Where’s your hospital bag?” He began pacing around the room.

“Benny, calm down, please, it’s not helping me,” you sighed. “The bag’s downstairs already, by the front door.”

Benny nodded and rushed out of the bedroom after grabbing a pair of trousers out of the wardrobe to put them on in the meantime. He was on his way to the telephone because you didn’t own your own car – yet. Thankfully, Johnny and Betty had told you that you could wake them any time and they’d take you to the hospital.

While waiting for him, you were sitting on the edge of your bed and caressing your bump slowly as you tried to take deep breaths in to calm yourself down. Benny was back upstairs very quickly and put on a simple white T-shirt before he approached you with a worried expression on his face.

“Listen, baby, they’re on their way now, we should get goin’,” he crouched down in front of you and rubbed your thighs soothingly. “How you feelin’?”

“Gonna be honest with ya, not very great, been better,” you chuckled at him but he didn’t find it funny. In fact, he looked… sorry? “It’s not your fault, Benny,” you assured him. “Well, technically…”

“I’m sorry I can’t do more. That I can’t make it stop hurting,” he confessed and you were a bit taken aback by such words from Benny Cross himself.

“I wouldn’t want you to feel this pain,” you only cracked a smile at him and caressed his face. “However, I wouldn’t mind sharing some of it with you,” you winked and he stood up to help you do that as well, very gently.

Benny held you by your arms and walked you out of the room. The stairs were the biggest challenge, however, with his gentle guidance and soft encouraging words, you managed to finally walk downstairs. Benny helped you to put a coat over your nightgown and he changed your shoes before grabbing the hospital bag and taking you outside where both Johnny and Betty had been already waiting in her car. It felt very nice to have them both there – they were a real family.

“Don’t worry, baby, it’ll be fine! I’ve been there twice!” Betty looked out of the car’s window to wave at you. “Jump in,” she opened the door and Benny helped you get inside. He placed the bag next to you and sat in the backseat, too.

“Thank you, Johnny,” he murmured and Johnny only nodded before starting the engine.

“Well, you can’t take her on the bike, can you?” Betty asked and you laughed as you imagined that.

“It would surely be a story to tell,” you pointed out.

“Benny, you okay?” Betty turned around to look at your husband and you turned your head to take a look as well. He was even paler than before now and his thigh was trembling. “You’re quiet… More than usual,” she pointed out.

“I’m fine,” he shrugged his arms.

You grabbed his hand to squeeze. You wanted to offer him some comfort but you also wanted to be able to relieve the tension whenever that sharping pain was filling your abdomen.

Thankfully, the hospital was not far away from where you lived. Johnny parked the car and all of you left the car. Johnny lit a cigarette and leaned on the vehicle but Betty joined you inside and you couldn’t be more grateful because Benny was so scared that he couldn’t answer any question asked by the receptionist and then the nurse.

“Are you staying with her?” Betty asked Benny and he gulped at the question. His panicked eyes found yours when you were laying on the hospital bed already; with a nurse preparing you for labour.

“You don’t have to, baby,” you assured him.

Of course you wanted him to be with you but you didn’t want to scare him even further or for him to make a scene and faint.

“I… I’m gonna stay,” Benny nodded at you and you furrowed your brows, surprised. “I just gotta smoke first,” he told you and you nodded back at him.

You watched him walk away and Betty approached you to squeeze your hand.

“He’s not comin’ back, is he?” You asked her.

“No, I don’t think so,” she chuckled and leaned in to kiss the top of your head. “Men aren’t much of a help anyway. You can do it, Mrs. Cross,” she winked at you and walked out as well.

You took a deep breath in and grinned back at an older nurse who had given you a sympathetic smile.

“Are you married for long, Mrs. Cross?” She asked you, trying to distract you from the painful contractions.

“Two years,” you answered.

“Ah, I see,” she hummed to herself. “That woman was someone from the family?”

“No, a friend. She and her husband took me to the hospital. My Benny didn’t buy a car yet,” you explained and she suddenly stopped smiling so nicely as if it was a crime to not be very wealthy. “He has a motorbike,” you told her but it only made her face turn even colder.

“Mhm, he’s one of those,” she commented and you didn’t say anything to that.

To your surprise, the door opened again and Benny walked back inside. You had never seen him in such a worried and stressed state but he sat right next to you and took your hand in his.

“I thought you wouldn’t come back,” you told him. “That you’d just smoke a pack or two outside the hospital until they tell you it’s over,” you explained what you meant.

“Johnny talked me out of it,” Benny confessed.

Few hours later, in the morning, you were already holding your little boy in your arms. You were exhausted and sleepy but you didn’t want to stop staring at his tiny face and beautiful little features. Everything about him was beautiful and fragile – tiny eyes, tiny nose, tiny head, tiny hands with tiny fingers and tiny feet with tiny toes. You watched in awe and Benny did, too, sitting by your side with one of his arms around you.

“I’m proud of you,” he whispered and kissed your temple.

“And I’m proud of you, Benny Cross. You haven’t even fainted,” you chuckled and he rolled his eyes.

Benny reached his finger out to brush your little son’s cheek but he quickly took it away.

“What is it?” You asked him with a furrowed brow.

“I don’t wanna hurt ‘im. My fingers are rough and all that,” he explained.

“Don’t be silly, Benny, you won’t hurt him by touching him gently,” you encouraged him to touch his son again and so he did, very carefully. “You see?”

Benny didn’t answer, focusing on his baby. The soft and loving look on his face suddenly made all your fears wash away. You no longer feared he would leave or run away from this responsibility. Of course, you weren’t delusional enough to think it would be easy. But something about him at this moment made you sure that choosing him as a father of your child was no mistake after all.

“How do you want to name him?” You asked. “After your father perhaps?”

“No,” Benny answered very quickly and cleared his throat before looking at your confused face. “My ol’ man was a piece of shit. My ma told me once that when I was born he was pissed drunk at the bar.”

You nodded your head and you suddenly understood. You understood why Benny had been so nervous and why he had come back to be with you during the labour after all.

“Don’t wanna be like him,” he confessed suddenly and looked down.

“You won’t be,” you assured your husband and kissed his cheek. “You won’t be, baby. You already aren’t,” you pointed out. “Do you wanna name him John?” You changed the subject.

Benny looked at you with a soft smile before placing a kiss on your forehead. Then, he looked down at the little baby in your arms and he bopped his son on the nose.

“Little Johnny Cross. Sounds good to me.”

Whenever you were out with your friends, Benny was a big part of your conversations. They were either single or they dated boring men and you couldn’t help but brag a little to them about taming a man like Benny Cross.

Of course, sometimes you were jealous of the stability your friends had. But with Benny it was never boring and you had never had so many wild stories to tell before meeting him. You wore one of his rings proudly and with as much pride you had the Vandals Chicago small patch on your jeans jacket.

And today was no different – you arrived at Molly's place a little bit late by the bus but Benny was supposed to pick you up later. You fixed your hair and your jacket before getting inside the apartment building after some older lady who was walking inside. She looked you up and down and you couldn’t tell if it was because of the patch or the leather pants but you didn’t care either way. You were only wearing trousers these days because sitting in the back of the bike in a skirt or a dress was far from comfortable.

You knocked upon Molly’s door and she opened with a smile but you couldn’t help but notice that the way she looked at you was similar to the old lady’s gaze. And when you walked to the living room and waved at your other friends, they suddenly went quiet, which only meant one thing – they had been talking about you.

“Hi, (Y/N),” Barbara greeted you. “Has your boyfriend dropped you off?”

You furrowed your brows at her oddly mocking tone as other girls tried to hide a giggle.

“Hi, Barbs. No, he hasn’t,” you answered, pretending you hadn’t caught the rude undertone of her question. You sat on the armchair because you didn’t want to sit next to them on the couch.

Molly sat back there, right next to Ursula. On Barbara’s other side sat Susie.

“So, how’s life? What’s up?” You asked as usual, tapping your fingers on the wooden armrest of the armchair. 

You hadn’t seen them in two months and they were your friends since high school. You were naturally interested in hearing their stories.

“Well, I got engaged!” Ursula announced and showed you the ring. Your eyes widened and you gave her a smile.

“Wow, ‘sula, that’s crazy. Congratulations, babe,” you winked at her. “That ring must have cost a fortune!”

“It certainly has. But you know, Dickie’s in the finance,” she reminded you but there was something contemptuous in her voice.

“I remember,” you only nodded. “When’s the wedding?”

“In July, we think,” Ursula answered. “I’m currently dress hunting. I was in the store the other day with the girls and…” She started and then she stopped talking as the other hissed at her.

Your heart skipped a beat.

“Wait, what?” You raised an eyebrow. “You guys are seeing each other without me?” You swallowed thickly and waited for their answer.

It made sense, suddenly. Because you had used to meet every two weeks. But some time ago they had started to come with excuses that they were too busy to meet so often. Now the meetings were taking place once every two months. But… Perhaps it was this way only for you.

The girls looked at each other.

“Oh, please, (Y/N), it was only once,” Barbara quickly spoke up. “You were busy that day anyway. We knew about it so we didn’t even ask you.”

“How did you know I was busy?” You asked.

“We read in the paper that there had been a motorbike accident in the area. We assumed you were at the hospital,” Ursula explained and you nearly snorted at her stupid lie.

She was always the worst at coming up with lies on the go.

“This accident had nothing to do with Benny or anyone in our club for that matter,” you told her although you were sure there had been no accident even.

“Well, we thought…” Ursula started.

“Our club, huh?” Susie suddenly giggled. She was usually the quiet one but it made her pretty observant and she would always pick on the words.

You cracked a smile at that.

“Are you learnin’ how to drive a motorbike now? Is he gettin’ you one as well?” Molly teased.

“No,” you answered. “Anyway…” You tried to change the subject. “July is in three months. I gotta start hunting for a dress for the occasion, too. Is there a dress code?” You asked Ursula.

Ursula looked down and started to fidgeting with her fingers nervously.

“Actually…” Barbara took a deep breath in. “Ursula would like to tell you something but she’s scared…”

“So… We will do it for her,” Molly nodded.

You already knew what it was about and you tried your best to keep your smile on although all you wanted to was to cry.

Not even because you were losing the friendship of these girls – they were clearly treating you like shit anyway – but because it all felt so… humiliating. As if you were the village’s outcast all of the sudden. A local pariah.

“I’m not invited?” You crossed your arms.

“No! It’s not like that!” Ursula protested as she looked up to meet your gaze. “It’s… It’s about Benny. I don’t want him at my wedding. So… If you want to come, you are welcome to come alone,” she finished.

“Well, I’ll see if I can come. In July we are going for vacation anyway. The dates might interfere,” you explained with a shrug of your arms. That was a lie.

“Vacation? With Benny? Where?” Susie seemed to be interested now.

“A trip to Florida where his cousin lives,” you explained. At least that part about his cousin was true.

“Florida… Nice…” Barbara sighed and Molly pushed her with her elbow.

For the rest of the meeting, you were silent. Nodding your head at the things the girls were saying and faking laughs here and there, already coming up with the lies to tell them when they’d ask about you but… They never asked.

When they were in the middle of talking about some stupid movie, you all got startled at the sudden sound of the loud engine. All the girls gave you a dirty look as you chuckled.

“Sorry,” you put your hands up in the air. “It’s Benny. I gotta go now. It was nice to catch up with you,” you stood up and waved at them before going to the hall.

You didn’t feel like hugging them or anything like that. You just wanted to be out of the flat.

However, Molly followed you.

“I’ll walk you outside,” she proposed and you furrowed your brows at her but you nodded. She was your closest friend out of them all.

You took the lift downstairs and walked out of the apartment building. Benny’s motorbike was parked on the opposite side of the parking lot. He was leaning on it and smoking a cigarette.

“Wanna say hello to him?” You asked Molly, squinting your eyes at the sun as you put your hand over your forehead to create a shadow.

“Nah, I’m fine, babe,” Molly shook her head and put her hands inside the pockets of her cardigan. “But, you know, I gotta tell you something…” She continued to walk in the direction of Benny’s motorbike but her steps were small as her voice lowered.

“What is it?”

“You know I like you, (Y/N). I don’t like what’s happened to us. I mean, our friend’s group. You know why and what… Who is the reason,” Molly cleared her throat. “You’ve changed, too.”

“Shouldn’t it matter that I’m happy?” You asked her.

“But… Are you? Darling, is there any future in that?” She glanced at Benny who was observing you carefully but you were sure he was standing too far away to hear the whispers. “I just think you deserve better. We all do. Think about that, will you, doll?” Molly patted your arm before squeezing it in a friendly way and waving at you.

She turned around to hurry back inside the building right before the distance was close enough to greet Benny. It looked like she was avoiding him on purpose and she wasn’t even hiding that. It was rude.

You sighed and turned around to smile at your boyfriend.

“Hi, daddy-o. Sorry for making you wait,” you winked at him playfully. “Where are you takin’ me tonight?” You fixed his jacket and kissed his lips when he was not taking a drag of his cigarette.

“There’s a bonfire,” Benny mumbled out. “Hop on,” he pointed at the motorbike.

Benny’s hearing was not perfect after all the years of getting slaughtered by the roaring sound of the motorbikes’ engines. But he was an excellent lip reader – it was one of those useful skills he had learnt over the years. Benny was not a man of many words and he usually preferred to observe the environment around him. Reading lips was helpful for that.

You had been standing with your back turned to him so he had no idea what you had been answering to your friend’s words but he knew perfectly well what that girl had been saying. And then she had just looked him up and down and turned around, without even saying hi. Not that he cared to get a hi from a girl like her. And not that he wasn’t used to people treating him this way.

Still, it had planted an insecurity in his head. And now, during the bonfire, you were acting weird, too.

The sun was slowly going down on that day and a huge bonfire had been lit up. One of the guys had taken their radio and played rock and roll songs. There was lots of beer and a small barbecue and everything smelled like alcohol, sweat, meat and gasoline. After having a few beers, lots of boys were showing off their motorbike tricks, including jumping over the fire. The atmosphere was full of testosterone but most girls didn’t mind that. To date a biker, you had to be used to that. Constant risk, constant danger, constant adrenaline. You were sitting by the bonfire and watching the motorbike tricks as you were sipping on your diet coke through the straw. Benny was smoking a cigarette by one of the cars while he talked to his friends but he kept his eye on his girl and he knew you well enough to see that while the other girls were gossiping next to you, you didn't really pay attention as you were clearly dissociating.

When he finished his cigarette, he walked up to you and tugged on the sleeve of your jacket to make you stand up and follow him inside the house but you shrugged him off and looked away. Benny furrowed his brows but he didn’t give up.

“(Y/N), baby, come on,” he whined a little.

“Gee, Benny,” you rolled your eyes before looking up. “Can’t you see I’m talking to the girls?” You pointed out but the girls looked at you; confused at your words since you had been doing nothing but ignoring them for the past hour.

“I wanna talk to ya,” Benny insisted and you sighed.

“Excuse me, darlings,” you told the girls and put your empty bottle of soda on the ground before standing up and facing Benny.

You followed him in the direction of the house but instead of walking inside, Benny guided you to walk behind, where there was no one around.

“What is it?” You raised your eyebrow at him as you leaned on the wall behind you.

“I’m just wonderin’ why you’re acting like that,” Benny scratched himself behind his neck.

“Like what?”

“Like that,” Benny repeated and shrugged his arms. “Dunno, as if I have done somethin’ wrong. Have I?”

“No,” you answered but the answer was very fast and nearly harsh. “No…” You repeated and took a deep breath in as your face softened. “I’m just… That meeting with my friends was weird and I’m overthinkin’ some stuff. That’s it,” you explained. “‘sula’s getting married, you know?” You looked down and played with your foot, drawing circles on the ground with your boot.

Benny’s heart skipped a beat at the word married. 

“Yeah?” He asked, trying to look into your eyes but you kept your gaze low.

“Yeah,” you nodded. “However, I ain’t invited,” you turned your head to look away as you crossed your arms.

“What? Why?” Benny furrowed his brow. He couldn’t understand that. He thought that you were pretty close to those girls.

“It doesn’t matter,” you answered and looked into his eyes. “I was thinkin’... Maybe we could go to Florida in July? To your cousin? I need a vacation, Benny.”

“Florida’s far away,” Benny shook his head. “The guys need me here.”

“Only for a short time…”

“Nah,” Benny insisted. “We can have a weekend by the lake if ya want to.”

“No,” you sighed. “Listen, I’m tired today, ‘kay?”

“‘kay,” Benny nodded awkwardly and hid his hands inside the pockets of his jacket. “Wanna go home?”

“Yeah.”

Benny hoped that your odd behaviour would change on the next day but it did not. In the morning he didn’t find you in bed and when he walked downstairs, you were already dressed up and drinking coffee by the kitchen window.

“You up already?” He asked, surprised. “Workin’ today?” 

“No. I just couldn’t sleep,” you told him without looking at him.

“What’s for breakfast?” He asked and looked around the kitchen.

“I had pancakes. You can have whatever you want,” you pointed out and he was a bit taken aback by that response. 

Not that he minded making breakfast for himself but you had always been doing it for him ever since he moved to your place.

“Are you angry at me, kitty?” Benny asked, carefully, as he approached the fridge to take a look inside to see what he could eat.

He decided on scrambled eggs as he grabbed a few from the fridge. He put some butter on the pan and heated it up but there was still no answer from you.

“Kitty?” He cleared his throat and turned his head around to look at you.

You took one last sip of your coffee and stood up with a sigh. You put the coffee cup inside the sink and walked past him.

“I’m going to spend a day with my ma,” you told him.

“With your ma?” Benny furrowed his brows. He didn’t like it when you were going to your mum.

Not because he had something against you spending time with your family. But he knew that your mum absolutely hated his guts and she was begging you to dump him each time you were seeing her. For you to meet with her today – a day after your friend had told you that you deserved better… Well, it was not looking good for Benny.

“Yeah, I don’t know when I’ll be back,” you told him and then you left the kitchen. A few seconds later, he heard the front door closing.

“Fuckin’ hell,” he muttered to himself.

It was late afternoon, nearly evening already, when you came back home. Now, after the meeting with your mum, your head was full of doubts and insecurities about your relationship.

You loved Benny but was it possible that this relationship was really a doomed affair? All your friends were leaving you behind and treating you like your Vandals patch was a scarlet letter. Your mother was begging you all the time to leave Benny behind because he was “no good for you, baby”. It was annoying but she had every reason to be worried – Benny was trouble. He cost you a lot of money, too, when it came to the lawyers, hospitals and the bills. He didn’t even have a steady job. And all of that for what…? There was not even a ring on your fucking finger.

He would drive around all day and then get drunk at the bonfires. That was all he wanted to do. Was he even treating you seriously? Was he planning to settle down with you? That was doubtful. 

You walked inside the house and closed the door loudly behind you before going to the bathroom to wash your hands. Then you took a deep sigh at the sight of your tired face in the mirror and you went inside the living room where Benny was watching TV. He looked up at you and your heart skipped a beat at the sight of his baby blue eyes that looked extremely sad.

“Hi, baby. Had a good day?” He asked.

“Yeah. You?” You kept standing above him.

“Not really,” Benny admitted. “But, hey, it doesn’t matter, yeah? I called my cousin,” he told you and you raised an eyebrow. “I asked him if we could visit him in July and he said that it’s fine.”

Benny swallowed thickly and waited for your response, staring up at you like a puppy. You took a deep breath in and eventually nodded at him with a sigh before sitting next to him on the couch.

“What you watchin’?” You asked him.

“Some stupid movie,” he shrugged. “You happy about Florida?”

“Yeah,” you answered. 

But just because he had done something like this once, it didn’t mean that everything was suddenly okay.

“You haven’t worn your jacket with the patch today,” Benny pointed out awkwardly.

“My ma would kill me!” You chuckled at that with an eye-roll.

Long silence occurred after that. You were both staring at the TV and only pretending to watch the movie. Eventually, Benny moved in closer and put his arm around you. You flinched a little bit but you didn’t move away as your eyes filled with tears.

You loved him. You wanted this relationship to work but... Sometimes love was not enough. Especially when only one person was putting effort.

“I’m sorry I’m not good enough for ya, baby,” Benny whispered into your ear and you froze at his words. He kissed your cheek delicately and nuzzled his face in the crook of your neck. “I’m tryin’ my best,” he assured you. “But your friend was right. You deserve better.”

“Benny? What are you talking about? You heard Molly?” You turned your head around and lifted his chin to look up at you.

“Nah. I can read from the lips,” he shrugged and your heart pounded faster in your chest. “Don’t worry, I ain’t angry at ya. She was right. I’m just angry at her for making you realise that.”

You clenched your jaw, not knowing what to say. Somehow, you wanted to comfort him but… There were some things you wanted to say first.

“It’s not your fault. You’re just this way,” you caressed his cheek gently. “I don’t think you’re not enough. Maybe it’s me asking for too much. I knew who you were and what you were like when I took you in. I should have known what to expect,” you shrugged. “You’re just…” Your voice trembled and Benny furrowed his brows at you. “You’re just gonna drive away one day, right?”

“What are you talking about?” He shook his head.

“You’re a free spirit, Benny. You’re just gonna hop on the bike and disappear and I’ll be left with the mess to clean and the pieces to pick up. And I was trying not to get too attached but I have. And in return… In return you can’t even make me breakfast. Not even once!” You suddenly snapped as his eyes widened. “I wake up in the morning and make you breakfast every day. I go to work and earn money… Just to spend it later on some shitty lawyers after you get arrested, feeling guilty that I can’t afford a better one. Jesus, and now I can’t even go to my friend’s wedding just because she doesn’t want you there and, guess what, I don’t want to go there alone!” You raised your voice but then you sniffled your tears back and softened again. “I just… I just wish I knew that you were as serious about me as I am about you. That’s it.”

Benny moved uncomfortably and moved his arm away from your shoulder. He took a deep breath in and nodded his head.

“Ya think I’m just gonna drive away one day and leave you without a word?” He asked. “I mean… Yeah, I might. Because I’m clearly a burden. I’m gonna leave, that’s gonna be for the better,” he agreed with you but you could see his jaw clenching and eyes blinking away the fresh tears.

“I didn’t say that you were a burden, Benny,” you tried to explain but he stood up already and went up the stairs.

You followed him and you caught him packing his bag in your bedroom. You leaned on the doorframe and watched him.

“You can’t be serious, Benny. Why can’t we just have a normal conversation about it instead of you running away from the responsibility? You’re kinda provin’ my point at the moment, you know that?” You told him.

“Don’t wanna be a burden,” he insisted and you took a deep breath in before approaching him.

You put your hands on his arms and he flinched a little but he didn’t push you off. However, he kept on packing his things.

“Benny, baby, please, let’s just talk about it, okay?” You tried to talk to him in a soft voice as if he was a wild animal.

In many ways, he was.

“I even called my cousin an’ all that!” He suddenly turned around to look into your eyes. He was visibly angry but at the same time his eyes were glossy. “You wanted a fuckin’ vacation in Florida, so I called and got us a fuckin’ vacation,” he added.

“And I am grateful, baby, I am,” you assured him and placed your hands on his chest. You felt how fast his heart was beating and you caressed him there as if you were trying to soothe his heartbeat itself. “But that’s just… That’s like one time when you show me you’re treatin’ me serious.”

“I’m not treatin’ you serious enough, you say, huh?” Benny straightened his back and looked down at you. “But if I asked you to marry me, you wouldn’t say yes, right? ‘Cuz I ain’t no good enough, am I right?”

You were taken aback by those words. You blinked a few times, very slowly.

“Wha-what are you talking about, Benny?” You tilted your head.

“I wanna make you my wife,” he answered, seriously. “Wanted you as my Mrs. ever since I saw ya,” he confessed. “But I ain’t good enough…” He shook his head and looked away. “And I’ll never be for ya.”

Your heart was pounding in your chest as well. You bit on your lower lip and focused hard on overthinking his words. Suddenly, all your insecurities and doubts had disappeared. Your whole body was filled with butterflies.

Gee, yeah, he was… Different from the most. But he was special, too. And he was your Benny. You would never trade him for a man like Patrick for example – Ursula’s fiancé in finance. You would die of boredom with a guy like him. With Benny even those arguments that you were having with him were exciting. The way he was packing his bags or you were threatening to leave every other day, the way you were smashing plates sometimes, the way a phone call from the police station would wake you up in the middle of the night... It was making you feel alive.

“Oh, Benny!” You felt tears of happiness streaming down your cheeks and he looked at you again, confused. “Yes!” You jumped into his arms and he picked you up instinctively. “Yes, yes, yes!” You added and cupped his face to pepper it with dozens of tiny little kisses. “I’m gonna marry you, baby! Even tomorrow! Even now!”

Benny chuckled at that and kissed your lips properly as you put your hands behind his neck. 

“So, you just wanted a ring, my moody kitty, huh?” He teased playfully and you rolled your eyes with a smile.

You arrived at Molly’s place and knocked upon the door, fixing your jeans jacket. She opened the door and invited you in as usual.

It was a month since your last meeting with the girls. They looked you up and down as usual these days but then they furrowed their brows at the sight of your huge grin. Molly entered the living room behind you and took a seat on the couch, looking up at you with a questioning look.

“I have something to tell you,” you told them with a smug smile.

They looked at each other.

“You dumped him?” Barbara asked, excitedly.

“He knocked you up?” Molly, on the other hand, was rather scared.

“Don’t be daft. She wouldn’t be so happy then!” Susie pointed out. Clever as usual.

“I got married!” You exclaimed and showed them your hand with two new additions. A pretty engagement ring that you had chosen for yourself in the pawn shop and a brand new wedding band.

You watched with satisfaction how their mouths dropped. Ursula especially seemed to be butthurt, since you had managed to get married before her.

“And how’s dress hunting, ‘sula?” You teased her.

“I still don’t have a dress,” she admitted. You could see her jaw clenching. “And what were you wearing?”

“A short babydoll,” you answered and sat on the armchair nonchalantly.

“Why haven’t you told us?!” Molly asked and you looked at her as if she was crazy.

“Sorry, but… I don’t know how to say it… Benny and the other guys from the club…” You pretended to sound sad. “Well, they didn’t want you girls around, I hope you understand. No outsiders, you know,” you told them.

It was a lie, of course. None of them would have minded your friends coming. But the wedding had taken place a day after your argument with Benny anyway. There had been no time to send out invitations.

“That’s crazy,” Susie commented and you gave her a smug look.

“Gonna tell you somethin’ crazier,” you chuckled and she raised her eyebrows, curiously. “He got my name tatted right on his heart.”