#*2ha

IM DEAD LMAAOOO

AND THE FUNNIEST THING IS THAT THE COVER IS 100% IN THEME WITH THE BOOK*!

MEATBUN AND HER WRITING'S DUALITY UWU

可只是动了一下，就被墨燃紧握住了。男人的掌心沁着汗，是湿润的。

“别拿走。”

“……”

他的力道那么大，固执又倔强，不知为什么，楚晚宁忽然觉得，他的言语间，似乎有些悲伤。墨燃眼神沉炽，盯着他看了良久，低沉沙哑道：“楚晚宁……”

“……你叫我什么？”

“……是我言错。”

楚晚宁此刻的身子绷得比先前还紧了，心跳比初时御剑更快，他不习惯，太不习惯。他努力拾掇自己的阵脚，再堕入这大深渊前，再做最后的一次垂死挣扎。他低垂着眼帘，说：

“嗯，知道自己言错，那也不是无药可……”

墨燃心很热，终于不假思索，脱口而出：“晚宁。”

救。

最后一个字，楚晚宁还没有来得及说口。再听到这一声带着叹息的温柔嗓音时，他脑中嗡的作响，刹时一片空白。这最后一个字，也是再也说不出口了。

无药可救。

无药可救——

他们在爱欲的泥潭外踟躇犹豫了那么久，终于忍不住一脚踏入，陷于其中，从此天罗地网，入骨悱恻。墨燃嗓音低哑，他凝视着他：“晚宁，其实这几天，我有句话，一直想问你。”

“……”

心烫得厉害，墨燃紧紧攥着楚晚宁的手，手指在发抖：“不，我不问你了。”

楚晚宁才刚松一口气，却听得墨燃说了下一句。“我什么都不问你了，我只想告诉你。”

墨燃斩钉截铁，永不回头。一口气，倾尽了全部勇气。

“我喜欢你。”

心脏在剧烈震颤着。

“我喜欢你，不是徒弟对师尊的喜欢，是……是我胆大包天，我……我喜欢你。” - Ch. 179

He realized that Mo Ran was still grasping his hand, their palms intimately touching. He didn’t know what to do. He was both anxious and nervous; the rims of his eyes were even a bit red. Unconsciously, he again wanted to pull the tips of his fingers away.

But after only a slight movement, they were tightly grasped by Mo Ran.

The man’s palms dripped wetly with sweat.

“Don’t let go.”

“...”

His strength was great— he was stubborn and contumacious— but for some reason, Chu Wanning suddenly thought that his words almost seemed sorrowful.

Mo Ran’s gaze was deep and fiery. He stared at him for a while, then said mutely: “Chu Wanning...”

“...What did you just call me?”

“....I misspoke.”

Now, Chu Wanning’s body was even stiffer than before, his heartbeat quicker than it was when they had initially stepped onto the sword. This was unfamiliar, all too unfamiliar. With effort, he arranged his posture, putting up a last-ditch struggle before venturing forward into the abyss.

He lowered his lashes, saying: “En, as long as you know you misspoke, then it’s not like no medicine can...”

Mo Ran’s heart was hot. At last, he spoke without hesitation, blurting: “Wanning.”

Save you.

These last two words, Chu Wanning had not yet had the time to say.

After hearing this tender tone, the sound carried by a sigh, his head erupted with buzzing, everything a blank white.

Those last two words would never be said.

No medicine can save you.

No medicine can save you--

They had wavered outside the mire of love for so long; at last, they could no longer resist stepping in and falling inside, letting themselves be inescapably bound, letting grief seep into their bones.

Mo Ran’s voice was low, watching him: “Wanning, in these past few days, there’s a question I’ve been wanting to ask you.”

His heart was scalding. Mo Ran tightly gripped Chu Wanning’s hand, his fingers trembling: “No, I won’t ask you.”

Chu Wanning had just let out a breath of relief when he heard Mo Ran follow up with another sentence.

“I won’t ask you anything. I just want to tell you.”

Mo Ran was resolute; he would never look back.

He took a breath, mustering all of his courage.

“I like you.”

His heart was ferociously thundering.

“I like you, and not the way a disciple likes his shizun... It’s... it’s that I’m too audacious, I... I like you.”

Like, I know Xue Meng loves and respect his shizun, but the truth is also that he never did anything to know him in a more intimate way... he didn't even like spending time with CWN because he'd feel uncomfortable and awkward around him; and the only one who cared enough to do that was Mo Ran. This is why this is a moment I like a lot, in spite of being trivial, I think it's sweet.

btw, this is not a diss on Xue Meng but the recognition Mo Ran deserves (if already isn't clear enough how much he cares and adores CWN, and also is the only one who learned to put up with CWN's quirks).

Oh you ELABORATED so well on my point, THIS IS EXACTLY what I meant. Honestly its a very mature way write about intimacy and closeness with people. When we were kids we used to think those who get along well with us understand us the best. However as we get older we realize it might not be true. Those who get along well with us might only do so because they don't know enough about us to make us feel vulnerable, have any objections or create any conflict.

Intimacy is a PAINFUL process that only comes about after countless joys and conflicts and this is why Ranwan are not just in love , they truly are two people who understand each other perfectly after going through countless personal conflicts with each other.

This is precisely why Xue Meng is not close to or understands CWN as well as he thinks or other people think. XM is the kind of person who thrives in being the most obedient person on the planet. He loves being the apple of people's eyes and fulfilling other people's expectations, he is even proud to the point of arrogance about it! . It shows his naivety and immaturity alongside how good of a person he is. We are grown adults reading a story about grown ups. Its only natural to realize being a good person has nothing to do with how understanding one can be. XM is a good person and thinks best of CWN. However he is not close enough to him to understand his flaws. This is why he has such hard time having sympathy with Mo Ran who had to suffer the brunt of CWN's cruel words too because CWN can be very cruel just as he can be very kind.

Xue Meng in the end is a pampered and loved child who had never been wronged by anyone. He obviously has difficulty having sympathy for someone else who doesn't love their life with motto "being obedient solves everything". He loves his parents the same way, he loves CWN the same way. In a way he is like us. We also find it surprising right? when we know some new fact about our own parents back when they were kids? XM is that kind of a person

With people like CWN, you can never be close to him if you are obedient to him. CWN's problem is that he is lonely at heart however he has his pride and he exploits his position over others to keep them at arms length without much of an apology. Xue Meng was happy to respect that boundary for CWN and also pretend that its completely fine to love and respect someone without knowing anything about them. That is the tragedy of his 0.5 version that he died just with Hanxue siblings , not knowing who the elders he loved were as people. The 2.0 XM won't have to suffer that fate even if knowing their secrets brings him pain and discomfort( we laugh when XM vomited after TXJ told him about secret bl*wjob MR did to CWN but REALLY...THAT WAS EXCESSIVE SWEETY🤡)

When one has to change one's behavior the stages of change are -> acknowledging flaws-> work on said flaws-> Implement the changes -> stick to changes. CWN unlike Xie qingcheng , only had first stage down pat. To devolve to second stage he had to go through the Tragic hamartia of watching the man he love devolve into madness in front of his eyes and have it make an indelible impression on his soul....LITERALLY! ( the soul portion left by Chu Fei inside Chu Wanning). It took lots of sacrifice and patience on part of MR to make CWN open up ( and plot contrivances as well like CWN turning into Xia Sini a more vulnerable version of him who has less iron hold of his feelings. This is why I LOVE the chicken soup incident . It forced CWN to open about about his grievances even if none of them make sense! at least he is communicating😂 That literally changed the trajectory of his life. It made his fate different from Chu Fei's who was so entrenched in his self loathing that he failed to see that the student he is in love with has been destroyed right under his nose)

So yeah, sorry guys, Xue Meng of course cares about CWN of course, but he clearly doesn't care enough or above Mo Ran. HE LITERALLY CANNOT. Its nothing wrong with Xue Meng. Just like how not every person wants to or has to understand every person, XM also doesn't have to understand CWN as well as MR does and like what he knows.

Ask anyone who has been around traumatized ppl in real life and they all will tell you the biggest side effect is them turning into grade a A-hole who frequently forget mindfulness. Meatbun writes that too esp well for Xieqingcheng and Chuwanning and the way she writes how ppl can only love them when they are at a DISTANCE from them, and ppl who are genuinely closer to them get a bruising SHOVE is what makes her writing at once realistic and fantastical. Xie Xue loves her Ge almost Blindly( and she even knows it) but does she knows her brother at any fundamental level beside that he is a nice person deep down? NO. Xue Meng is CWN's staunch supporter but does he knows CWN as a person just 10 years older than him with thoughts and desires of his own ? No.

MR before he died, was constantly plagued by guilt and nightmare about his past catching up to him. No matter how many good deeds he did for the past 5-6 years , nothing made him feel less of the self loathing . Nothing made him feel "clean".

So when he finally died, he was able to feel like he finally "paid" for what he has done. His heart became lightened and he was then able to LITERALLY confront his 0.5 past . To tell him to forgive himself and forgive those who wronged him. If he had not died, I think MR would have had a harder time forgiving himself than he did .

Its because this is all this is about. He died because its NOT a narrative punishment but a device with which he could self heal in a way just doing good deeds, or treating those he genuinely wronged with love and respect cannot do. Metaphorically its MR finally detaching his self with his suppressed super-ego which swims in guilt when he shouldn't be.