eternal year end wish.
as a child, luciel wished for many things.
a wish to stay warm in the cold, a wish to be picked up, a wish to be loved. they were all intangible, things that cannot be touched by his hands. those wishes will remain as wishes, because his wishes won’t come true.
luciel’s earliest memories was walking around in the snow, holding his mother’s hand. she told him to be a good boy and wait for her to pick him up later, and then he never saw her again. he doesn’t remembers her face anymore, nor her name. he only remembers it was cold. the cold winter brings nothing but the feeling of emptiness, there’s nothing pleasant about it. every year, the memory comes to remind luciel that he was abandoned, an unwanted and unloved child.
even then, luciel heads out in the cold winter. to search for someone, to search for his childhood friend who isn’t answering his messages. he knows the reason why. the tv or radio has been briefly commemorating the death of a former star, someone he used to call auntie.
he finds seonghan in a cafe, motionless and empty, as if he never lived. even then, a smile graces his lips. “i went on a date,” he says.
“you went on a date looking like that? i'll believe you.”
“it’s a once in a year kind of date.”
he takes a look at how his friend is dressed. extra layers and arm warmers, luciel knows it’s not merely because of the cold. he reaches his hand out and holds onto his arm, wanting to bring him to somewhere else, “this cafe's coffee isn't that great. i'll make you a better one.”
“haha, you’re holding onto me. like i’m going to disappear.”
luciel bites the inside of his lower lip, his grip growing stronger at that. “if i don’t hold onto you, you probably will.”
“would that be so bad?”
if baek seonghan were to disappear from luciel’s life as if he never existed, he’d wish, he could go with him. but seonghan wouldn’t let him. he’ll tiptoe around him, leave not even a footprint behind, and disappear into the rain.
wishes won’t come true. “i want you alive with me.” i wish, you’ll make me your reason to live.
there isn’t a place luciel has in mind, he drags seonghan along with him, into the dead winter. there’s nowhere for them to go, they don’t need a place to go. as long as they were together, even if seonghan were to let go of his hand, luciel would hold onto him tighter, as if they were never apart.
luciel asks the boy where he went, he talks about how he went on a winter date again. he doesn’t probs into it further, there’s only one place seonghan would go at this time of the year. “then, will you go on another one with me?”
“will you give me a choice?”
“you can refuse me if you want to. will you?”
it’s stupid, how their conversations goes in circles. oftentimes, seonghan dodges his questions, but today it’s a little different. he tells him that he doesn’t wants to answer him, and it frustrates luciel. throughout his life, seonghan has never been honest. to the latter, he thinks he’s throwing a tantrum, doesn’t thinks that his responses will bother luciel, doesn’t believes. even as he goes on about how it’d be the last time they’ll spend time together like this again, that luciel wouldn’t catch him amongst the audience as he remains on that blinding stage.
even in the midst of a dark rainstorm, seonghan will still laugh. “what are you thinking now, seonghan? that sounded like a fake laugh,” luciel mumbles, clearly displeased. every trace of that perfect, princely persona had disappeared from his face ( it’s not like he can keep it up in front of him, anyways ). childish, selfish, and foolish is all he feels like.
“i wonder. should i say i’m thinking of you?” luciel pauses at that. once again he has fallen for seonghan’s words, like a mindless fool.
wishes. i wish you were mine, i wish i was yours, i wish you will look at me.
“it’s cold today,” seonghan continues.
luciel wishes—wants, to hold his bare hands close to his face. if it’s cold, then shouldn’t he taint him with his human warmth? “i’m cold too, should we warm each other up?”
